Hanniewants2die
Member
- Apr 27, 2025
- 20
Hi, it's been a long looong time since my last post. Somehow I'm still foolish enough to believe that life will improve if I change my actions, but it won't.
I don't know why I keep clinging to this stupid idea about merit and how effort will get me out of this shit. Well, not-so-news-about-it won't. It's never going to get better.
Nothing I do matters, everything is fine for a fleeting moment and then it falls apart worse than the last time. I've tried everything to change, but all paths, no matter how hard I try, lead nowhere. It doesn't even hurt anymore, it's just that now I'm scared of how certain death is for me, it will come soon and I don't know how yet, but I don't intend to face a shitty life. Being called a coward doesn't affect me, I don't care. I think insults are the least hurtful thing in moments like these; it's like pointing out something obvious.
I'm not in a hurry to die; I suppose I was before, but now I'm absolutely certain that I'll die young, because I've tried everything and life still isn't kind to me, and it never will be. So what's the point? I feel so miserable even when I'm happy, because there's this damn certainty that always whispers in my ear, telling me that nothing good will last. I try to ignore it, but it's always right...
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what kind of sin I once committed and am paying for every second of it, but whatever it is, I'm certain I'll have a difficult future to face, And I also know I'm not going to stay put to keep going and live up to the expectation of a strong woman, or any of that nonsense. I'm 19 now, but I don't even think I'll make it to my mid-20s.
And I feel pathetic because honestly, I'm afraid of dying in pain and I'm afraid of surviving and having lasting effects; I think those are the only reasons that keep me tied to this mass of flesh and bones. I'm such a coward that I can't even face a little pain for the greater good; it's truly pathetic. I can't even tell my friends, firstly because I don't want to worry them, secondly because I'm ashamed to feel this way, and thirdly because I don't want to be a burden.
I can't tell my family because they have bigger problems; I don't want to add to their worries, especially if I'm still cowardly enough to kill myself. I'd be worrying them for nothing, and I don't want to carry that guilt later... It seems I'm finally cornered. But I can't keep quiet about it either; I feel like a nasty parasite. I should just shut my damn mouth and let myself die, without making a fuss or leaving notes or anything like that, just stop bothering everyone with my tiny, insignificant problems. I know other people are having a worse time than me, so why am I trying to feel so sorry for myself? If I'm worthless, I should just end it all and be done with it.
At least this place still feels like home; it's all I have, and I suppose that's like a balm to my heart.
Thanks for reading if you did.
I don't know why I keep clinging to this stupid idea about merit and how effort will get me out of this shit. Well, not-so-news-about-it won't. It's never going to get better.
Nothing I do matters, everything is fine for a fleeting moment and then it falls apart worse than the last time. I've tried everything to change, but all paths, no matter how hard I try, lead nowhere. It doesn't even hurt anymore, it's just that now I'm scared of how certain death is for me, it will come soon and I don't know how yet, but I don't intend to face a shitty life. Being called a coward doesn't affect me, I don't care. I think insults are the least hurtful thing in moments like these; it's like pointing out something obvious.
I'm not in a hurry to die; I suppose I was before, but now I'm absolutely certain that I'll die young, because I've tried everything and life still isn't kind to me, and it never will be. So what's the point? I feel so miserable even when I'm happy, because there's this damn certainty that always whispers in my ear, telling me that nothing good will last. I try to ignore it, but it's always right...
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what kind of sin I once committed and am paying for every second of it, but whatever it is, I'm certain I'll have a difficult future to face, And I also know I'm not going to stay put to keep going and live up to the expectation of a strong woman, or any of that nonsense. I'm 19 now, but I don't even think I'll make it to my mid-20s.
And I feel pathetic because honestly, I'm afraid of dying in pain and I'm afraid of surviving and having lasting effects; I think those are the only reasons that keep me tied to this mass of flesh and bones. I'm such a coward that I can't even face a little pain for the greater good; it's truly pathetic. I can't even tell my friends, firstly because I don't want to worry them, secondly because I'm ashamed to feel this way, and thirdly because I don't want to be a burden.
I can't tell my family because they have bigger problems; I don't want to add to their worries, especially if I'm still cowardly enough to kill myself. I'd be worrying them for nothing, and I don't want to carry that guilt later... It seems I'm finally cornered. But I can't keep quiet about it either; I feel like a nasty parasite. I should just shut my damn mouth and let myself die, without making a fuss or leaving notes or anything like that, just stop bothering everyone with my tiny, insignificant problems. I know other people are having a worse time than me, so why am I trying to feel so sorry for myself? If I'm worthless, I should just end it all and be done with it.
At least this place still feels like home; it's all I have, and I suppose that's like a balm to my heart.
Thanks for reading if you did.
