GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
There seems to be nothing that can actually destroy me. I went all-out and tried to attack my weak spot as hard as I could. I was granted an amazing opportunity and capitalized boldly on it. I've dealt as much psychological damage to myself as I am able to and it's not enough to push me over the edge. I managed to destroy my self-esteem, I managed to lose all of my self-respect, I focused on my failures and ignored the future possibilities, I decided to compare myself to others as much as possible, I idealized others and nullified my own positive traits, I ignored compliments that would elate my mood, I decided to start spinning paranoid narratives and cut off all sources of comfort. I embarrassed myself and tried to destabilize myself.
Why is it so hard to get to the point of suicide? The tyrannical DNA is something that will be able to kick my ass any day of the week. If I can't press on my life-situation and skin-hunger, then where is the off-button? How will I ever be able to work myself up to the point of suicide? Physical pain? Should I start dead-lifting heavy weights with bad form and end up in a wheelchair with constant pain? Stab myself in the liver? Seriously, how am I not more fucked up by this garbage? If the pain from my loneliness is not enough, I have no fucking clue for how long I will keep surviving (not living). I have a feeling I'm about to get banned soon, so just wanted to apologize to anyone that was offended by me during my time here just in case.
I feel like a sniper inside of a tank. Guess it'll really have to take facing impending physical torture to get me to kill myself. For now I guess I'll keep following my plan to have something to do: reach one-handed pushups and get through an education with nearly guaranteed employment until automation as a reward. Guess I should set a statistically impossible long-term goal of getting a genius virgin gf as well; the point of goals are not to achieve them, after all.
Bless this forum. May everyone find the strength to truly live until death.
Don't want to make another thread so I'll just add some more venting. I haven't felt as bad as I did today in a very long time. My situation has not changed and I was feeling sort of ok for a few days in the same situation, meaning that it would be possible to go back to feeling "fine" with my complete lack of anything and mega-weakness. The fact that I went to buy means of suicide must also indicate that I am having an unusually bad day. I keep thinking about imaginary scenarios. "What if I wasn't weak and got my education", "what if I wasn't weak and got into that romantic relationship", "what if I wasn't weak and committed to something", "what if I wasn't weak and had something I was passionate about". I envy the strong, the hedonic, those that have real goals that they care about, those that feel good enough to follow through with long-term visions. I am too weak to accomplish anything, and I'm getting even weaker. I am weaker now than when I first became acutely suicidal when failing at college. I am older with nothing to show for it, I am more diminished from years of loneliness and failure. I know that this situation can be turned around, just not by me.
Why is it so hard to get to the point of suicide? The tyrannical DNA is something that will be able to kick my ass any day of the week. If I can't press on my life-situation and skin-hunger, then where is the off-button? How will I ever be able to work myself up to the point of suicide? Physical pain? Should I start dead-lifting heavy weights with bad form and end up in a wheelchair with constant pain? Stab myself in the liver? Seriously, how am I not more fucked up by this garbage? If the pain from my loneliness is not enough, I have no fucking clue for how long I will keep surviving (not living). I have a feeling I'm about to get banned soon, so just wanted to apologize to anyone that was offended by me during my time here just in case.
I feel like a sniper inside of a tank. Guess it'll really have to take facing impending physical torture to get me to kill myself. For now I guess I'll keep following my plan to have something to do: reach one-handed pushups and get through an education with nearly guaranteed employment until automation as a reward. Guess I should set a statistically impossible long-term goal of getting a genius virgin gf as well; the point of goals are not to achieve them, after all.
Bless this forum. May everyone find the strength to truly live until death.
Don't want to make another thread so I'll just add some more venting. I haven't felt as bad as I did today in a very long time. My situation has not changed and I was feeling sort of ok for a few days in the same situation, meaning that it would be possible to go back to feeling "fine" with my complete lack of anything and mega-weakness. The fact that I went to buy means of suicide must also indicate that I am having an unusually bad day. I keep thinking about imaginary scenarios. "What if I wasn't weak and got my education", "what if I wasn't weak and got into that romantic relationship", "what if I wasn't weak and committed to something", "what if I wasn't weak and had something I was passionate about". I envy the strong, the hedonic, those that have real goals that they care about, those that feel good enough to follow through with long-term visions. I am too weak to accomplish anything, and I'm getting even weaker. I am weaker now than when I first became acutely suicidal when failing at college. I am older with nothing to show for it, I am more diminished from years of loneliness and failure. I know that this situation can be turned around, just not by me.
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