Venting Drug use and suicidal ideation

[whytrymyguy]

I'm gonna cut to the chase. I'm tired of being sober and i'm tired of being high. Being sober causes me horrible suicidal thoughts and makes me insanely depressed, but being high or drunk makes me want to die just as much. There's no escape for me. Often it really does feel like the only way out is death. I can't find peace when i'm alive so not existing is the only way to achieve it. I'm not going to get into how much of a horror show my life has been, let's just say it ain't pretty. And i'm no better. I died once and I never forgot that void. I need it. I crave it. I used to feel it calling out to me but now it's just silence. I've been fucked up for so long that now all I think about is drugs and dying. My memories are gone but still the bad ones haunt me. Is there any escape? I can't even talk to my psychiatrist about my drug use. I was such a horrible person and now i'm better, at least mostly. Everything feels so wrong, even the sure things. I need a way out. I can't just keep doping myself up. It feels like CTB is the best option. Has anyone else here gone through horrible substance use over a very long period of time and had to deal with getting more sober? With improving as a person and having to care when not trying was so easy? How do you cope? How do I cope? I'm trying to be alive, I want to be alive for my girlfriend, for what family I have left. Where do I go from here?

 

[yowai]

Same same same I don't know how I even cope, I've been using daily for 4 years and a year ago had an intervention and lost all access to drugs, relapsed on weed after 6 months of absolute hell and daily cravings and dreaming about using and two months ago relapsed on speed. I feel the same about being torn between wanting to be sober and being fucked up, both are shitty and my brain is broken from the abuse so I'd have to wait probably 2 years before it gets back to normal while being sober, but when I'm sober I can't get myself to do chores regularly or have motivation for anything. I just slip into other addictions like video games or watching shows all day. And I have to live with my family and my dad drinks often which triggers me a lot and caused me to relapse on weed. I just felt so useless and so behind everyone in life. My partner used with me but he was in a good rehab after our intervention, has therapy 2-3 times a week and somehow does extremely well compared to me so I guess it's possible but I don't have the strength for that and I'm not even sure if I want to live long so why get better when I can have my fix and be superficially better. Unless I get shit stuff and can't even enjoy the illusion ffs

 

[astr4]

better to be dead than to be alive. but better to be high than to be dead.

i'm a huge fan of harm reduction. biggest risk for me is definitely my own suicidal thoughts, so i have no qualms about my continued drug use (benzos weed stims) as long as they keep my suicidal thoughts at bay.

maybe if i'm committed to recovery one day and in therapy i'll feel more able to be sober, but right now i'm so okay with just being a useless addict.

 

[whytrymyguy]

Same same same I don't know how I even cope, I've been using daily for 4 years and a year ago had an intervention and lost all access to drugs, relapsed on weed after 6 months of absolute hell and daily cravings and dreaming about using and two months ago relapsed on speed. I feel the same about being torn between wanting to be sober and being fucked up, both are shitty and my brain is broken from the abuse so I'd have to wait probably 2 years before it gets back to normal while being sober, but when I'm sober I can't get myself to do chores regularly or have motivation for anything. I just slip into other addictions like video games or watching shows all day. And I have to live with my family and my dad drinks often which triggers me a lot and caused me to relapse on weed. I just felt so useless and so behind everyone in life. My partner used with me but he was in a good rehab after our intervention, has therapy 2-3 times a week and somehow does extremely well compared to me so I guess it's possible but I don't have the strength for that and I'm not even sure if I want to live long so why get better when I can have my fix and be superficially better. Unless I get shit stuff and can't even enjoy the illusion ffs

I know exactly what you mean, the weed, the harder substances, the family member(s) using. I truly relate with you, stranger. Not going to get too far into the details but I have an obsession with trying new drugs. I've been trying new substances on a regular basis and can't seem to stop stacking. My brother even mailed the some acid, I shouldn't have it but I couldn't pass up on that. I actually have bipolar disorder, so weed and psychedelics especially can be very damaging to my mental state. Even self aware, I can't stop. I don't know if I can. I'm not going to drag this on any further, as this would get very long and I also don't want to draw attention away from your struggle. I truly hope you can work through this, may the universe bless you and I with peace and harmony. Shalom aleichem.

 

[itriedinthislife2]

better to be dead than to be alive. but better to be high than to be dead.

i'm a huge fan of harm reduction. biggest risk for me is definitely my own suicidal thoughts, so i have no qualms about my continued drug use (benzos weed stims) as long as they keep my suicidal thoughts at bay.

maybe if i'm committed to recovery one day and in therapy i'll feel more able to be sober, but right now i'm so okay with just being a useless addict.

you seemed to be the only hateful one on the last post i made in the comments. want to see me end it on a live stream. ill try and do that if allowed for the people on this sub that want to watch? ;/

 

[chandxoxo]

you seemed to be the only hateful one on the last post i made in the comments. want to see me end it on a live stream. ill try and do that if allowed for the people on this sub that want to watch? ;/

don't you deserve to have your last moments in peace than live streaming it? after all the hardships we face it seems deserved to have privacy and serenity in our last moments.

 

[astr4]

you seemed to be the only hateful one on the last post i made in the comments. want to see me end it on a live stream. ill try and do that if allowed for the people on this sub that want to watch? ;/

you're the piece of shit who keeps telling people "suicide is easy!! everyone should just do it " i'm not going to waste any more time engaging with you if you think your behaviour is okay. call it hateful if you want, as far as i'm concerned you're just a suicide baiter trying to push other people over the edge.

 

[loneloser]

Me personally I've went from vaping to doing coke and molly in the span of 2 months mostly because I dropped my addiction to video games which coincidentally had all of my online friends (that I also dropped). I think doing that made me spiral down and I've never been so low in my life than the recent weeks.

My birthday is on February 17th and I really do not want to live to see it. I don't think using drugs has helped me.
I'm dead if I'm sober and dead if I'm not.

 

[whytrymyguy]

Me personally I've went from vaping to doing coke and molly in the span of 2 months mostly because I dropped my addiction to video games which coincidentally had all of my online friends (that I also dropped). I think doing that made me spiral down and I've never been so low in my life than the recent weeks.

My birthday is on February 17th and I really do not want to live to see it. I don't think using drugs has helped me.
I'm dead if I'm sober and dead if I'm not.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it is. Whatever happens i hope you can find peace.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

Yeahhh I really relate to this especially lately... I agree with the comment about harm reduction. have been trying to not fill myself with so much guilt and shame bc eh im alive so ig thats better?

But I dont want to be here at all. Distracting via forms of media and substances is all I got rn in ways.

I've had the sobriety come naturallly at different times when the suicidality wasn't so fucking intense but alas. Among other life things that just.... I dunno have shifted.

Rambling aside I think it can be beneficial to find ways to feel less ashamed bc it sucks already to feel crap.but then it REALLY sucks to also feel like shit for the coping.

(I have no idea how to do that except for kinda "normalizing" it by being open to non judgemental people and def forums spaces such as this so I dunno) (brain is likeee shutting off so I hope this ccomment makes sense

 

[whytrymyguy]

Yeahhh I really relate to this especially lately... I agree with the comment about harm reduction. have been trying to not fill myself with so much guilt and shame bc eh im alive so ig thats better?

But I dont want to be here at all. Distracting via forms of media and substances is all I got rn in ways.

I've had the sobriety come naturallly at different times when the suicidality wasn't so fucking intense but alas. Among other life things that just.... I dunno have shifted.

Rambling aside I think it can be beneficial to find ways to feel less ashamed bc it sucks already to feel crap.but then it REALLY sucks to also feel like shit for the coping.

(I have no idea how to do that except for kinda "normalizing" it by being open to non judgemental people and def forums spaces such as this so I dunno) (brain is likeee shutting off so I hope this ccomment makes sense

Yeahhh I really relate to this especially lately... I agree with the comment about harm reduction. have been trying to not fill myself with so much guilt and shame bc eh im alive so ig thats better?

But I dont want to be here at all. Distracting via forms of media and substances is all I got rn in ways.

I've had the sobriety come naturallly at different times when the suicidality wasn't so fucking intense but alas. Among other life things that just.... I dunno have shifted.

Rambling aside I think it can be beneficial to find ways to feel less ashamed bc it sucks already to feel crap.but then it REALLY sucks to also feel like shit for the coping.

(I have no idea how to do that except for kinda "normalizing" it by being open to non judgemental people and def forums spaces such as this so I dunno) (brain is likeee shutting off so I hope this ccomment makes sense

It's nice having people on here I actually relate to. I know what you mean about the media and substances being all you have to distract yourself. I constantly need a world to absorb, and when I finish a show/series my depression gets worse for a while. I'm sorry you're dealing with this shit. I was on a crazy bender for basically two years, and it has been slowing/getting less extreme for several months but i'm still using almost every day. I have 25 ug lsd/a quarter tab of acid on my tongue right now actually. I hope you can find better coping mechanisms, or at least achieve peace in whatever you choose to do. I'm wishing you the best.