Venting Drug use and suicidal ideation

[whytrymyguy]

I'm gonna cut to the chase. I'm tired of being sober and i'm tired of being high. Being sober causes me horrible suicidal thoughts and makes me insanely depressed, but being high or drunk makes me want to die just as much. There's no escape for me. Often it really does feel like the only way out is death. I can't find peace when i'm alive so not existing is the only way to achieve it. I'm not going to get into how much of a horror show my life has been, let's just say it ain't pretty. And i'm no better. I died once and I never forgot that void. I need it. I crave it. I used to feel it calling out to me but now it's just silence. I've been fucked up for so long that now all I think about is drugs and dying. My memories are gone but still the bad ones haunt me. Is there any escape? I can't even talk to my psychiatrist about my drug use. I was such a horrible person and now i'm better, at least mostly. Everything feels so wrong, even the sure things. I need a way out. I can't just keep doping myself up. It feels like CTB is the best option. Has anyone else here gone through horrible substance use over a very long period of time and had to deal with getting more sober? With improving as a person and having to care when not trying was so easy? How do you cope? How do I cope? I'm trying to be alive, I want to be alive for my girlfriend, for what family I have left. Where do I go from here?

 

[yowai]

Same same same I don't know how I even cope, I've been using daily for 4 years and a year ago had an intervention and lost all access to drugs, relapsed on weed after 6 months of absolute hell and daily cravings and dreaming about using and two months ago relapsed on speed. I feel the same about being torn between wanting to be sober and being fucked up, both are shitty and my brain is broken from the abuse so I'd have to wait probably 2 years before it gets back to normal while being sober, but when I'm sober I can't get myself to do chores regularly or have motivation for anything. I just slip into other addictions like video games or watching shows all day. And I have to live with my family and my dad drinks often which triggers me a lot and caused me to relapse on weed. I just felt so useless and so behind everyone in life. My partner used with me but he was in a good rehab after our intervention, has therapy 2-3 times a week and somehow does extremely well compared to me so I guess it's possible but I don't have the strength for that and I'm not even sure if I want to live long so why get better when I can have my fix and be superficially better. Unless I get shit stuff and can't even enjoy the illusion ffs

 

[astr4]

better to be dead than to be alive. but better to be high than to be dead.

i'm a huge fan of harm reduction. biggest risk for me is definitely my own suicidal thoughts, so i have no qualms about my continued drug use (benzos weed stims) as long as they keep my suicidal thoughts at bay.

maybe if i'm committed to recovery one day and in therapy i'll feel more able to be sober, but right now i'm so okay with just being a useless addict.

 

[whytrymyguy]

Same same same I don't know how I even cope, I've been using daily for 4 years and a year ago had an intervention and lost all access to drugs, relapsed on weed after 6 months of absolute hell and daily cravings and dreaming about using and two months ago relapsed on speed. I feel the same about being torn between wanting to be sober and being fucked up, both are shitty and my brain is broken from the abuse so I'd have to wait probably 2 years before it gets back to normal while being sober, but when I'm sober I can't get myself to do chores regularly or have motivation for anything. I just slip into other addictions like video games or watching shows all day. And I have to live with my family and my dad drinks often which triggers me a lot and caused me to relapse on weed. I just felt so useless and so behind everyone in life. My partner used with me but he was in a good rehab after our intervention, has therapy 2-3 times a week and somehow does extremely well compared to me so I guess it's possible but I don't have the strength for that and I'm not even sure if I want to live long so why get better when I can have my fix and be superficially better. Unless I get shit stuff and can't even enjoy the illusion ffs

I know exactly what you mean, the weed, the harder substances, the family member(s) using. I truly relate with you, stranger. Not going to get too far into the details but I have an obsession with trying new drugs. I've been trying new substances on a regular basis and can't seem to stop stacking. My brother even mailed the some acid, I shouldn't have it but I couldn't pass up on that. I actually have bipolar disorder, so weed and psychedelics especially can be very damaging to my mental state. Even self aware, I can't stop. I don't know if I can. I'm not going to drag this on any further, as this would get very long and I also don't want to draw attention away from your struggle. I truly hope you can work through this, may the universe bless you and I with peace and harmony. Shalom aleichem.

 

[itriedinthislife2]

better to be dead than to be alive. but better to be high than to be dead.

i'm a huge fan of harm reduction. biggest risk for me is definitely my own suicidal thoughts, so i have no qualms about my continued drug use (benzos weed stims) as long as they keep my suicidal thoughts at bay.

maybe if i'm committed to recovery one day and in therapy i'll feel more able to be sober, but right now i'm so okay with just being a useless addict.

you seemed to be the only hateful one on the last post i made in the comments. want to see me end it on a live stream. ill try and do that if allowed for the people on this sub that want to watch? ;/