Driving with suicidal ideation sucks

[Cepi]

Been learning to drive for about a year now and I finally took the driver's portion and failed due to a poor turn I made. Suicidal ideation makes me not take life seriously anymore and I'm struggling to learn to drive safely in California with the huge amount of traffic here. I don't really care if I die but knowing I could cause someone's death or get into a huge accident and be broke terrifies me and causes me to have performance anxiety. I don't have a job yet and I can't find any employment probably cause I'm 23 and have a resume that of a 12 year old. It really baffles me how we literally need cars everywhere in the U.S. to get to anywhere and if you can't you're fucked pretty much. Being mentally ill is such a nuisance I wish there was just a euthanasia program for the mentally ill here cause my life is severely handicapped compared to most.

 

[Darkover]

what about a bus and\or train to get to work

 

[Cepi]

what about a bus and\or train to get to work

In California the bus is unreliable and I would probably need to get up several hours earlier to just get to a job on time. Plus I have severe social anxiety and it makes the experience 20 times worse.

 

[tiredangelgirl]

so i'm not sure if this will help at all, but I live in pa outside of a very large city. the traffic is insane here. not the same level as ca, but it's bad. I have to commute on this major highway to get to work. I witness 1-4 accidents every single week. It causes me SO much anxiety.

my boyfriend and I saved up a bunch of money and we're (hopefully) about to buy a house about 3 hours away in the middle of the country. I'm already looking forward to being able to take drives on windy roads to relax me, rather than have driving give me anxiety.

i've lived in both types of areas and there is ASTRONOMICAL differences in how I feel when I live in different settings. i'm not saying you just up and move to the country and all your problems will go away, but for me my mental health is significantly better when i'm living in a slower paced area. I hope it adds some clarity or at least let's you know you aren't alone. it's fucking terrifying and people can be assholes. we also have to remind ourselves to not let fear hold us back, but maybe a longer term goal can be moving to an area where it's easier to get around. i've been to california a lot and it's gorgeous but I could never imagine living there.

i'm in a constant struggle of trying to better my life so I don't want to ctb anymore and being suicidal so i'm careless and don't give a fuck about anything

 

[Cepi]

so i'm not sure if this will help at all, but I live in pa outside of a very large city. the traffic is insane here. not the same level as ca, but it's bad. I have to commute on this major highway to get to work. I witness 1-4 accidents every single week. It causes me SO much anxiety.

my boyfriend and I saved up a bunch of money and we're (hopefully) about to buy a house about 3 hours away in the middle of the country. I'm already looking forward to being able to take drives on windy roads to relax me, rather than have driving give me anxiety.

i've lived in both types of areas and there is ASTRONOMICAL differences in how I feel when I live in different settings. i'm not saying you just up and move to the country and all your problems will go away, but for me my mental health is significantly better when i'm living in a slower paced area. I hope it adds some clarity or at least let's you know you aren't alone. it's fucking terrifying and people can be assholes. we also have to remind ourselves to not let fear hold us back, but maybe a longer term goal can be moving to an area where it's easier to get around. i've been to california a lot and it's gorgeous but I could never imagine living there.

i'm in a constant struggle of trying to better my life so I don't want to ctb anymore and being suicidal so i'm careless and don't give a fuck about anything

Your message helped a lot. Yeah I've been staying with my aunt who lives in a quieter area of my city and my attitude has been drastically different. I still feel suicidal and I think I will one day but my recovery is going much more smoother. Im going to try to buy this house off of my aunt since she's been staying with her daughter in Tennessee and no one lives here. I drove today in north Hollywood and realized my area isn't as bad as it could get in the heart of LA but I think I'll just travel only within my city range and won't worry about driving daily as I would of liked to, to calm my nerves down. Exercising here is easier and I think I just do that with just going to parks to ease my depression!

 

[passivethought121]

Biggest reason why I've delayed my license and I understand, being someone from California. I have constant intrusive thoughts of swerving and crashing (off a cliff or into an inanimate object). These happen even though I'm not driving. I'm terrified that they'll manifest physically and I run someone over or kill someone else in the process. I feel like if I was driving I'd have to stop constantly to make sure I didn't actually kill anyone, or that I won't. And nobody's gonna go slow, or even at-the-limit for me. It'd be nice but it's just unrealistic. I know I'll be an inconvenience to the streets without ever getting behind the wheel.

 

[Cepi]

Biggest reason why I've delayed my license and I understand, being someone from California. I have constant intrusive thoughts of swerving and crashing (off a cliff or into an inanimate object). These happen even though I'm not driving. I'm terrified that they'll manifest physically and I run someone over or kill someone else in the process. I feel like if I was driving I'd have to stop constantly to make sure I didn't actually kill anyone, or that I won't. And nobody's gonna go slow, or even at-the-limit for me. It'd be nice but it's just unrealistic. I know I'll be an inconvenience to the streets without ever getting behind the wheel.

Yeah I wish automated cars existed now for everybody . I just want to go to my job and attend mental health meetings so I can feel good about myself to keep living a bit longer to support my family. Society really makes the whole process of dealing with suicidal thoughts 100x harder than it needs to be but I guess that's my fault for being neurodivergent. How old are you? You should at least get a permit so you can drive with somebody with a licensee. It's nice sometimes to drive alone at night and get a burger lol

 

[Amelie]

Been learning to drive for about a year now and I finally took the driver's portion and failed due to a poor turn I made. Suicidal ideation makes me not take life seriously anymore and I'm struggling to learn to drive safely in California with the huge amount of traffic here. I don't really care if I die but knowing I could cause someone's death or get into a huge accident and be broke terrifies me and causes me to have performance anxiety. I don't have a job yet and I can't find any employment probably cause I'm 23 and have a resume that of a 12 year old. It really baffles me how we literally need cars everywhere in the U.S. to get to anywhere and if you can't you're fucked pretty much. Being mentally ill is such a nuisance I wish there was just a euthanasia program for the mentally ill here cause my life is severely handicapped compared to most

I understand this. I got banned after I got drunk and crashed in a ctb attempt. My legal ban is over but I'm meant to have a medical to prove myself fit to drive. But I'm putting it off.. as I'm not sure my bpd with need for drama, self destruction, suicidal ideation etc goes very well with driving. I scare myself behind the wheel of a car.

 

[Kerock]

Same. Ive gotten a speeding ticket, bumped into someoned bumper, parking bumps, and many near misses because of SI. I think semi conciousessly this makes me careless in not only driving, but in everything else aswell. And conciously i have let go of thr steering wheel for a bit just to drift and crash. Honestly its a miracle I havent totaled my car but then again only been driving for 2 years

 

[Harrow]

I understand how hard it can be to not be able to drive in CA. I have a license but I have severe drivers anxiety from being in an accident years ago, so I rarely ever drive. Not to mention the intrusive thoughts of me swerving my car into a median.

I daydream about a day when every populated place in the US has adequate public transportation, even if that's a lame thing to daydream about lol. I hate driving!!!

 

[AshClouds]

I don't really care if I die but knowing I could cause someone's death or get into a huge accident and be broke terrifies me and causes me to have performance anxiety.

I have those sentiments, but I've been driving for years now and I'm gotten used to dealing with traffic. I've had suicidal thoughts while driving, like flooring it right into a concrete wall, or causing my car to flip over a guard rail and hurl into a lake, but I don't want to involve innocent bystanders like you said.

Well in any case, if you're worried about traffic and the anxiety it causes, i'd suggest you take small roads for a while (you can set your GPS to avoid highways) still can be stressful on some of the bigger streets, but it less cars, and at slower speeds.

 

[sserafim]

I can't drive but if I were able to, I would want to ctb in a car crash, like drive into a tree or off a bridge or something. By the way, I heard that some car crashes are actually undercover suicides, and I wonder how many are….

 

[savoytruffle]

same situation here, learning how to drive and i just can't be bothered but at the same time the thought of hurting somebody on the road or god forbid driving my mum around and getting into an accident terrifies me into putting some effort, which in turn just exhausts me because im pretty much surrendered. WHY cant i just be normal i can't take this anymore