Venting Dreadful loneliness

[Wehmut]

Hello there,

I am new to this forum and first of all I wanted to say that Im glad that I got excepted. In this post I want to introduce myself and vent a bit about what has been going on in my life.

My life hasnt been the best lately and i started getting into methods to ctb.
I recently bought a rope, which I wanted to use to hang myself. I want to try to not kill myself before my final exams in school. I am currently on vacation but I cant seem to get myself to study at the moment. I can barely get out of bed. Mostly I wake up and instantly feel tired and dead inside even though I have slept over 9 hours that night. Not even my hobbies are fun anymore.
I usually play the guitar but its just not the same anymore. I cant really see any progress in doing it anymore. I get pretty good grades in school, I live in a fairly big house and my life seems very decent from the outside. But i have a feeling that no one around me can understand how lonely I truly feel. I am so lonely that I imagine that there is someone with me all the time. I imagine entire dialogs with them. It is usually someone that has good character traits and generally cares for me. I have a very strong longing for someone like that.
I have just once in my life had someone similar to that. On the other hand I dont really think that having such a relationsship will make me happy. At the moment my death seems so inevitable and I dont even know why I am telling this.

 

[Roseate]

Welcome here. And it's not as crazy as it sounds. I personally like to talk to myself especially when I feel alone. Anyways, if you want to talk, I am here. I don't think you can message yet though. Have you ever tried therapy? Is this your first time feeling this way? What have changed lately? I feel like if this your first time feeling this way, that's too soon to jump to ctb (and I'm by no means trying to make you feel bad for wanting to ctb). I just feel ctb shouldn't be the first choice but the last after everything else have maybe failed.

 

[Wehmut]

Welcome here. And it's not as crazy as it sounds. I personally like to talk to myself especially when I feel alone. Anyways, if you want to talk, I am here. I don't think you can message yet though. Have you ever tried therapy? Is this your first time feeling this way? What have changed lately? I feel like if this your first time feeling this way, that's too soon to jump to ctb (and I'm by no means trying to make you feel bad for wanting to ctb). I just feel ctb shouldn't be the first choice but the last after everything else have maybe failed.

Thank you for your kind words. Yea I have been to multiple therapists ( I think it was about 7 or so ). I was twice in a mental asylum, which atl least the second time was a bit helpful. I have been depressed for about 10 years since the age of 11. And I also dont really want to die, but rather not live (if you understand what I mean). But at times I feel like things could turn out for the better with some effort. Because I just really want to experience having a partner for at least once before leaving this world behind (or at least a good friend). And like I said, I at least want to wait up until after my final exams in school. After that I will probably wait up until the next school year to get to know the new morons I will have to go to school with from there on. But I sometimes feel like I cant handle this anymore and then there is no one who truly understands that or listens to me.

 

[Rational man]

Im.sorry to hear this pain you have. Im afraid loneliness is endemic. Its like humanity no longer connects to each other.so.well You sound very young and i recall my own loneliness when i was 18. Eventually, i realised that contentment was not found in other people but the solution was within me. I think when.i accepted this, my outlooke changed and eventually found a few good friends i could trust. I enjoy my own company now and its okay. I hope you find answers in you. Take care.

 

[FuneralCry]

The unfortunate reality is that life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and I understand that loneliness can be painful for so many in this world. There really does seem to be no real relief from suffering as long as one exists here but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Roseate]

Thank you for your kind words. Yea I have been to multiple therapists ( I think it was about 7 or so ). I was twice in a mental asylum, which atl least the second time was a bit helpful. I have been depressed for about 10 years since the age of 11. And I also dont really want to die, but rather not live (if you understand what I mean). But at times I feel like things could turn out for the better with some effort. Because I just really want to experience having a partner for at least once before leaving this world behind (or at least a good friend). And like I said, I at least want to wait up until after my final exams in school. After that I will probably wait up until the next school year to get to know the new morons I will have to go to school with from there on. But I sometimes feel like I cant handle this anymore and then there is no one who truly understands that or listens to me.

I understand exactly what you mean. Have you tried using those apps to make friends near you? Just give it a try. Or join some activity in school to meet someone with similar interests. Have you tried medications? Aside from the side effects, they kind of help. Well don't worry, there are people on here who will be here if you need to talk.