Venting down

[sancsuinet]

this is just a vent because im not sure where to put it. my therapy is changing to zoom and i dont know how im going to react to it, i struggle to put words to feeling in person but i struggle more over video or phone, i have to prove im sick enough but im constantly just feeling like im not. i dont have nightmares, i dont feel like he hurt me enough, and if i cant explain what he did then i cant get help. attraction just feels like anxiety. i dont want to not have support anymore but i keep almost cancelling it all because i just dont feel like i have enough to say. i get stuck in my head at therapy. she talks to me and i answer in my head but the words arent clear enough for me to make out. i just dont know what to do, i cant talk about it but it wont go away.

 

[sancsuinet]

its 3am and i cant sleep, i just keep replaying over and over everything i said to and everything i could have said better and everything i thiknk about everything and why i cant get over anything. i took ritalin and it gave me a lot of validation in my thoughts that i have adhd, like people around me tell me i definitely do but i really struggle to believe it. constantly analysing everything all the time. exhausting but i cant sleep. i go from being so cocky about everything to feeling just worthless as soon as im alone. i talk about my art and i talk about my friends and i go im just so fucking amazing and were so fucking superior and shit, just egotistical maniac shit but as soon as im alone in my room or at work it feels like i will never amount to anything. i will never be enough i will never be enough i will never be enough, no matter what i do it will never be enough. i search for him in obituaries dreading when i actually see it. im lying on the side of the bed he made me sleep on because i wasnt allowed the good side. i think im just feeling really fucked up because therapy changing is throwing me off a lot and i had a weirdly deep conversation with friends today and idk and one of them went out of their way to compare the hip height of one of them to me, saying his hips were at my shoulders and i had like the same interaction with him years ago right before he tried to kill himself in front of me because i wouldnt fuck hinm. i should have let him do it. i should have called his bluff. but i know i never could becuase thats blood on my hands even now. ive never told anyone irl thaat he tried to kill himself in front of me multiple times. they know he threatened it but ive never been able to say it outloud becuase i feel like it might still happen if i do the wrong thing becuase i can neber do enough. i still hate beign naked, i hate my body, i hate how he touched it, i hate that i like it. i just feel quilty constantly, i feel disgusting and guilty and angry. i hate everyone and everything, im constantly negative unless im overly positive, i am too much, but i dont do enoguh, i cant do the right thing but i do too much of everything. i never shut the fuck up except for when i cant talk. it feels like it will neber end. i cant talk about the right thing in therapy, i cant prove im hurt, if i try i only shut down and then i cant speak at all, so i either dont talk at all or dont talk at all. its not enough, its never enough. im never enough. i jsut want it to all fo away and for it to not be the only thing i think about i want to go back to normal i want ot get me back i want to be me i want to be happy i want to love i want to care i want to not hate so mcuh. im scared im going to turn on people ahain,. i start to turn on people when i feel like im getting too close becuase i dont want commitment or affection or real closeness, i want to admire and i want to do things for people but anything mroe and i start to convince myself i hate them and i will completely cut them off unless its to insult them. everythings going so good but ijsut cant do anything, i live my life and 3 months go by and i dont know what happened, i dont fucking make any progress, i habe a good time and everything is perfect and what i imagined but its jsut im wrong.
i just want to go now, im sick of it all, i dont feel like me and i havent in years, i feell like a fake. i pretend to do good things and to have strong morals but its all just pretend, its all just trying to say the correct thing at the right time, hoping im doing it right hoping people believe that ibelieve. i dony know who i am, i dont know what he took, i cant even remember. i lost something and i dont even know hwat, im just fucking pathetic