mizerymirror
decayed.
- Nov 23, 2021
- 1
I'd like to start this off by giving you all some context: I've been clinically depressed, psychotic, and anxious (diagnosed) since the age of twelve. I've had several partners ctb or attempted to, and I've attempted once, foolishly, when I was fourteen. I've tried everything from therapy to medication, and nothing works. I've been living in an unbearable hell for eight years of my life (not to mention that I'm trans and from a horrifically homophobic & transphobic family). I've practiced multiple forms of sh since I was a young preteen but not even that helps remotely anymore.
Anyway, I had given myself a short list to keep myself going. My 'reasons to hang on,' you could say.
1.) my darling dog, tiny.
2.) my college education.
3.) my doting partner.
They've all crumbled. My childhood pet passed away a month ago, my girlfriend recently attempted to ctb & dumped me, and I'm failing half of my college classes because I can't even crawl out of bed most mornings. I'm done. My list, my saving grace, is decimated and I have absolutely nothing and no one to live for. I'm tired of being in pain, of being in mental and emotional agony, and tired of being treated like the epitome of human shit simply because of my gender identity. I've never been seen as a person. Not by my family, not by therapists, not even by my own partners. I am fucking done trudging through life only to be knocked down and beaten over and over again.
Which is why I wanted advice on my methods to ctb.
I was thinking of doubling or tripling up on methods. I don't have access to firearms or SN, so I was planning on making do with what I had. Not all of these methods are as lethal as the previously mentioned, but I do know that doing multiple at once will help boost my chances of succeeding. I cannot and will not be sent to a hellscape psych ward.
1 - Full body/weight hanging. I live in a dorm so I cannot commit there. I was thinking about driving out to a rural part of the state (PA) and doing all this shit in the woods. What rope and knots should I use to hang from a tree? I've heard to use 10-14mm rope and a slipknot at the back of your neck.
2 - ODing on various substances. I have roughly 9000mg of trazadone, 9000mg of bupropion, 450mg of abilify, and countless other substances such as benadryl, painkillers, and more.
3 - Slitting wrists. Yeah, yeah, I know. Super painful, slow, and not that lethal. I would 1000% do this with both hanging and ODing on shit. Never on its own.
4 - Alcohol. I don't know if this would make me puke up the pills more or not. I know it helps with bleeding out for the wrists, but I need opinions on if this would increase the chances of me puking the meds/pills up.
I would do all these methods at once. Probably get myself set up to hang while being a little drunk (I'd have most things set up before I started drinking), down the pills with more booze, slit my wrists, and jump/hang.
I'm so fucking tired of the pain in my chest and the constant, ceaseless agony. I'm beyond miserable every waking second of every waking day. I've tried to steer myself away from ctb for so many years. I just can't keep doing it. Living is fucking hell. Any advice or other suggestions for methods would be so so appreciated.
Anyway, I had given myself a short list to keep myself going. My 'reasons to hang on,' you could say.
1.) my darling dog, tiny.
2.) my college education.
3.) my doting partner.
They've all crumbled. My childhood pet passed away a month ago, my girlfriend recently attempted to ctb & dumped me, and I'm failing half of my college classes because I can't even crawl out of bed most mornings. I'm done. My list, my saving grace, is decimated and I have absolutely nothing and no one to live for. I'm tired of being in pain, of being in mental and emotional agony, and tired of being treated like the epitome of human shit simply because of my gender identity. I've never been seen as a person. Not by my family, not by therapists, not even by my own partners. I am fucking done trudging through life only to be knocked down and beaten over and over again.
Which is why I wanted advice on my methods to ctb.
I was thinking of doubling or tripling up on methods. I don't have access to firearms or SN, so I was planning on making do with what I had. Not all of these methods are as lethal as the previously mentioned, but I do know that doing multiple at once will help boost my chances of succeeding. I cannot and will not be sent to a hellscape psych ward.
1 - Full body/weight hanging. I live in a dorm so I cannot commit there. I was thinking about driving out to a rural part of the state (PA) and doing all this shit in the woods. What rope and knots should I use to hang from a tree? I've heard to use 10-14mm rope and a slipknot at the back of your neck.
2 - ODing on various substances. I have roughly 9000mg of trazadone, 9000mg of bupropion, 450mg of abilify, and countless other substances such as benadryl, painkillers, and more.
3 - Slitting wrists. Yeah, yeah, I know. Super painful, slow, and not that lethal. I would 1000% do this with both hanging and ODing on shit. Never on its own.
4 - Alcohol. I don't know if this would make me puke up the pills more or not. I know it helps with bleeding out for the wrists, but I need opinions on if this would increase the chances of me puking the meds/pills up.
I would do all these methods at once. Probably get myself set up to hang while being a little drunk (I'd have most things set up before I started drinking), down the pills with more booze, slit my wrists, and jump/hang.
I'm so fucking tired of the pain in my chest and the constant, ceaseless agony. I'm beyond miserable every waking second of every waking day. I've tried to steer myself away from ctb for so many years. I just can't keep doing it. Living is fucking hell. Any advice or other suggestions for methods would be so so appreciated.
