Double life

[SchizoGymnast]

Does anyone else ever feel like they're living a double life? My life is full of good things...good jobs (one evil coworker, but whatever), some great friends and family, I'm living in a good place, I have my cats, there's nothing really wrong in my life. But every chance I get, I'm on this site, researching ways to die, fantasizing about drugs... it's odd, especially where I work in mental health and substance abuse.

Can anyone relate?

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Kind of - I feel like everythings all grand, then its not. I'm ok but I'm not. Something's not right, but it is. Fully functional but not.

Though I ended up reaching a point where I made comments that raised alarm bells to some close friends. It was then I discovered I really can't find words or explain or describe or justify. Which made me a ton worse in terms of confused and frustrated.

Fast forward nearly 2 years since running away from that past life and my inability to feel truthful, but not lying and now I'm just stuck, lost, conflicted, confused, frustrated.... let the circle begin again.

 

[theboy]

I guess we all have a double life. a double face.

 

[todienomore]

Ideation is miles different than an attempt, fwiw.

Every time you think of these topics, try focusing on gratitude and being present in your senses. It sounds cheesy but we take an infinite number of things for granted. Its mostly thinking way too much vs experiencing what is real.

 

[ecliptic]

I feel like I have a double life I mean it in a biological way I just hope its not possible.

 

[riktfar]

A bit. I'm not in a good environment but death is addictive. Drugs as well. There could be many reasons for your ideations ranging from desire to prevent it by knowing, ability to fantasize and yes death is the ultimate reward, or possibly fixation to fear will yourself to meet standards. Who's to say?

 

[archiveofpain]

Definitely. Going through each day and trying to appear functional is just me putting on a fake persona because people wouldn't last too much keeping me around with how I really am and the things I think and do behind closed doors however lately I have been too tired to make the effort to pretend. I am myself at the moment, impulsive, suicidal and depressive me.

 

[Saturn_]

Probably used to have a double life for a very brief time. I threw that false, other life away at the start of this episode, as if I decided "no more lying, no more looking back". I know the friends I used to have would never be able to even begin to tolerate this side of me. All of my unsightliness was repressed and locked away for the longest time, and it all comes rushing out of me now. As if my head were screwed off and my body can no longer contain the concentrated suffering. I can no longer keep up the facade.

 

[Linda]

I don't live a double life, but I have known many people who did. I have had a lot of gay male friends over the years, and in the past (decads ago) some of them had no choice but to live a double life. From what I have seen, it is not a good way to live if you can avoid it.
If feeling suicidal, or even thinking a lot about suicide, is part of you, then your best option may be to mention it to a few of your friends. Don't hide it - but don't make a big thing of it either. Just drop it into the conversation casually at some convenient opportunity. Most people will respect you for being yourself. (Those who won't, you don't want as friends anyway.)

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Not anymore really. I feel like everyone can tell something's wrong with me and I can't really hide it anymore.

 

[Forveleth]

Absolutely! I go to work, smile, make plans for the future, etc but every spare minute I'm here talking about death and planning my next attempt.

I have watched quite a few videos from people left behind when someone kills themselves and so many of them say "We didn't know. They looked like they were happy" and I realize I am definitely going to be one of those people.