Dont want to make my family sad

[strangeloner]

I have been suicidal since years. I met the love of my life who is just as suicidal as I am and no matter what, we want to live together... and die together. There have been plans about jumping and OD and I sat many times on the edge of bridges at night yet I never did the final step. No matter how much I hate life and how desperately I want it all to be over I feel like I need to continue just because of my family. They have been there for me in my darkest times and especially my mom always got my back and helped me no matter what. My mom knows I'm suicidal but I know she would be destroyed and could never handle my loss. I feel stuck and I don't know how to escape because after all she did it feels horrible to know how hurt she would be but on the other side I suffer more and more with each day having to stay alive.

 

[Ulisses]

I'm in this same dilemma, to hurt my family, especially my mother who helps me with everything. I know she would be devastated. Any thoughts on how to deal with this?

 

[BPD Barbie]

I was feeling the exact same way but at some point I just decided to put myself first after years of putting others first. I decided my needs were the priority and I couldn't keep going to prevent others from feeling sad when I spent every day feeling like this.

 

[strangeloner]

I'm in this same dilemma, to hurt my family, especially my mother who helps me with everything. I know she would be devastated. Any thoughts on how to deal with this?

I made a huge step by telling her about my feelings, not everything and I never told her all the details but she knows I'm happy and is aware of me being suicidal. She cried many times but I thought it would be better for her to understand in case of ctb since she would already be aware of how I feel. I even wrote a letter that I would send her when I decide to quit everything. It says how she shouldn't blame herself and that she should know I'm happier wherever I might be then. Maybe something similar might be good for you too. I think it's better for her before the loss comes out of nowhere. She might blame herself then that she never knew and never noticed. :/

 

[strangeloner]

I was feeling the exact same way but at some point I just decided to put myself first after years of putting others first. I decided my needs were the priority and I couldn't keep going to prevent others from feeling sad when I spent every day feeling like this.

I understand that. And I actually do put myself first sometimes but I always feel like I'm being selfish then.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I would try to go to a shack or somewhere in the middle of the woods and ctb then put a suicide note somewhere you know they will find it eventually or at the same time they find you

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Me neither. I don't want to hurt my loved ones.

 

[fat feet]

I don't want to hurt my loved ones. I also realize it is inevitable if this is what I do. I have told them in the last month that I can not handle being here anymore. I believe they think I mean the city I am in, not the state I am in.

 

[OfThePraxicOrder]

I've come to the realization that no matter what I do my family is going to hurt after I ctb, I absolutely hate that fact, but I just can't put my loved ones first anymore im tired i just want to rest. I used to always put my loved ones feelings first, even though when I was at my lowest, I would put others first, know its time to put myself first, after a while I hope they understand that this is what i truly want.
Also your story reminds me so much of someone who I used to know so well, I truly hope you find the answers that you are looking for. You shouldn't feel selfish for putting yourself first, everybody needs to take care of themselves.