Don't want to live without you

[chasm]

I am going to CTB. I am in love with a girl but it is impossible. She was very attracted to me when I first met her a little over a year ago, but that fizzled out. I essentially was rejected. And the relationship would be impossible anyways, it's just ridiculous really. But I'm just heartbroken; I want her in my life so badly, it hurts so much. I see her social media and I just start welling up with tears. I think about the couple times we actually hung out and my heart just aches terribly. I'm so hurt.

I tried to CTB a few months ago, OD'd on fentanyl. Woke up in the ICU four days later, life absolutely wrecked. Dammit I didn't want to wake up, that should've been it for me, but no. I don't want to live the life I'm living, this life where we'll never be together. God this fucking hurts.

I no longer have access to drugs, but I have a rope. I really need to get it right this time. I'm done living without this person. I'm trying to decide between partial suspension somehow in my room, or sneaking off in the middle of the night to do full suspension somewhere. It's been a year and I think about her every day. I want to be close to her, to hold her. God she smelled so good. And that smile ... She's everything I ever wanted, I love her so much. I'm so broken, I can focus on anything. It's pathetic, I'm pathetic.

 

[letmejoindeath]

Yeah I ruined my relationship with the love of my life after 7 years.

She used to call me out of the blue at work, or on her car rides.

She used to text me every little thing when we were apart.

She was open-minded and willing to try new things with me.

Now it's all stopped after all these years. Just couldn't seem to get shit right for some reason. Think she wants someone more successful since my life basically isn't going anywhere no matter what I do.

Just has made me lose all my confidence and energy. Now when I'm with her she makes me want to ctb. She's never patient with me. I could be asking her a simple question and it's like I'm a bother to her. She doesn't look at me in any way remotely positive.

Feel like my existence makes her unhappy. Just want her to be happy.

 

[Worndown]

If you have a rope, please check the threads for helpful hints. Do it right.

 

[DearAgony]

I'm so sorry this is hurting you the way it is. I really hope you find the peace you're looking for.

 

[chasm]

Yeah I ruined my relationship with the love of my life after 7 years.

She used to call me out of the blue at work, or on her car rides.

She used to text me every little thing when we were apart.

She was open-minded and willing to try new things with me.

Now it's all stopped after all these years. Just couldn't seem to get shit right for some reason. Think she wants someone more successful since my life basically isn't going anywhere no matter what I do.

Just has made me lose all my confidence and energy. Now when I'm with her she makes me want to ctb. She's never patient with me. I could be asking her a simple question and it's like I'm a bother to her. She doesn't look at me in any way remotely positive.

Feel like my existence makes her unhappy. Just want her to be happy.

That sounds awful, I really feel for you. For me, it doesn't seem as though I'm even on her mind at all anymore; for a brief month or two there she was clearly interested in me and thought of me often, but now I'm just not even on her radar. She's gone, i've lost her, and that's something I can't come to terms with. It hurts too much.

 

[letmejoindeath]

That sounds awful, I really feel for you. For me, it doesn't seem as though I'm even on her mind at all anymore; for a brief month or two there she was clearly interested in me and thought of me often, but now I'm just not even on her radar. She's gone, i've lost her, and that's something I can't come to terms with. It hurts too much.

The hurt is deep and years ago people tried harder in relationships.

Now minor inconveniences or after the honeymoon phase women move on because they can just swipe right and find a new man instead of trying to rekindle the flame. "I googled it an it said I have lost my connection with you that's it and there is no reason to try"

Everything makes guys a narcissist on google somehow too. Even if you admittedly have made mistakes and you are willing to own them, you are a narcissist if you think ANYTHING is a character flaw about them or that they do any wrong. Then if you catch them literally doing wrong by installing spyware on their phone and find out they're fucking multiple people then somehow you are a psycho stalker who needs a restraining order because nothing is wrong with fucking people and lying about it. Some of them being ACTUAL police officers. Unfortunately since police are the "virtuous" ones it doesn't matter. You are the psycho stalker and police should be allowed to fuck married women without their husbands doing anything about it.

Yeah police are the "good guys with morals"

You do meth once and we will ruin your entire life even if you make an effort to do better every day. They make 0 effort their entire lives but fucking other peoples wives isn't illegal so they are morally superior even though they never actually try doing better at all.

Then police officers with their tiny brains and virtue have to come save the day for the innocent and fragile women. Five seconds ago they wanted to be treated as equals but now they are scared and afraid and need someone to save them from their mistakes by only punishing yours.

Divorced families make capitalism more money so it will never get better because we will never have the money.

 

[DearAgony]

As someone who's never been in a relationship, I can't relate. But I'm so sorry you both have had these lovers run sour. I hope one day you find someone that appreciates who you are.

 

[hi-okbye]

the feeling of love are so strong, but it can crush your soul
love is such a powerful thing, i find it the only thing worth living for
the one time i remember not being suicidal in the years i spend depressed, was when i found my partner
it's the best thing in the world to love, but he's gone now (died), and all i want is to be with him again
your description really touched me, because thats how i feel a lot too
you love their smile, their laugh, their hair, their eyes, just everything about them astounds you
they could even in your eyes be the most beautiful person you laied eyes on.
i hope you find peace soon, and eternal love from someone who deserves you, good luck <3

 

[chasm]

the feeling of love are so strong, but it can crush your soul
love is such a powerful thing, i find it the only thing worth living for
the one time i remember not being suicidal in the years i spend depressed, was when i found my partner
it's the best thing in the world to love, but he's gone now (died), and all i want is to be with him again
your description really touched me, because thats how i feel a lot too
you love their smile, their laugh, their hair, their eyes, just everything about them astounds you
they could even in your eyes be the most beautiful person you laied eyes on.
i hope you find peace soon, and eternal love from someone who deserves you, good luck <3

Exactly. When she was in my life and things were possible I felt amazing. So happy, so excited for each new day. Now she's gone and I'm completely crushed, and it's unbearable. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I know how much that must hurt.

 

[hi-okbye]

Exactly. When she was in my life and things were possible I felt amazing. So happy, so excited for each new day. Now she's gone and I'm completely crushed, and it's unbearable. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I know how much that must hurt.

exactly! every morning, i would get out of bed JUST to say good morning to him. now, it feels like there's no reason to even wake up anymore :/
i'm sorry for your loss too, trust me, i understand how horrible it feel <3

 

[Blue Elephant]

Be careful, there is a difference between love (and the feeling of missing someone when they are absent) and attachment.

Love is when you care so much about another person that you want them to be happy. So you let them go even though it hurts that they are not close anymore. This is when you simply miss them but are still happy that they are happy.

Attachment is when you want them close, when you want to hug them, when you want to kiss them and when you want to wake up the following morning next to them regardless of what they want.

Love will make you a better, a smarter and more caring person, attachment will eat you from inside and destroy you. Think very very carefully if that person is worth loving because if they are not then you should cut your attachment to them. Dying for an unworthy individual doesn't really make much sense.

I loved someone once, until I realized that she changed, that she was no longer the person I fell in love with. At that point I realized that there is only attachment for a ghost and I let go.

 

[chasm]

Be careful, there is a difference between love (and the feeling of missing someone when they are absent) and attachment.

Love is when you care so much about another person that you want them to be happy. So you let them go even though it hurts that they are not close anymore. This is when you simply miss them but are still happy that they are happy.

Attachment is when you want them close, when you want to hug them, when you want to kiss them and when you want to wake up the following morning next to them regardless of what they want.

Love will make you a better, a smarter and more caring person, attachment will eat you from inside and destroy you. Think very very carefully if that person is worth loving because if they are not then you should cut your attachment to them. Dying for an unworthy individual doesn't really make much sense.

I loved someone once, until I realized that she changed, that she was no longer the person I fell in love with. At that point I realized that there is only attachment for a ghost and I let go.

I acknowledge that it's more so attachment in the way you've characterized it that I struggle with. It hurts immensely nevertheless. I commend you for being able to let go of your person. I can't imagine being able to do that. I am so sad, my life is so fucked up, my heart aches so much, I just want to die.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Yeah I ruined my relationship with the love of my life after 7 years.

She used to call me out of the blue at work, or on her car rides.

She used to text me every little thing when we were apart.

She was open-minded and willing to try new things with me.

Now it's all stopped after all these years. Just couldn't seem to get shit right for some reason. Think she wants someone more successful since my life basically isn't going anywhere no matter what I do.

Just has made me lose all my confidence and energy. Now when I'm with her she makes me want to ctb. She's never patient with me. I could be asking her a simple question and it's like I'm a bother to her. She doesn't look at me in any way remotely positive.

Feel like my existence makes her unhappy. Just want her to be happy.

13 year break up for me. Out of the blue she says "I'm not in love with you anymore." All the same things your experiencing. From loving to cold distant annoyance. Like a light switch. The change in her was immediate. No changing her mind now. I will kill myself soon because of her. Lost love sucks. You can pm me if you want to chat about heartbreak and suicide.

Be careful, there is a difference between love (and the feeling of missing someone when they are absent) and attachment.

Love is when you care so much about another person that you want them to be happy. So you let them go even though it hurts that they are not close anymore. This is when you simply miss them but are still happy that they are happy.

Attachment is when you want them close, when you want to hug them, when you want to kiss them and when you want to wake up the following morning next to them regardless of what they want.

Love will make you a better, a smarter and more caring person, attachment will eat you from inside and destroy you. Think very very carefully if that person is worth loving because if they are not then you should cut your attachment to them. Dying for an unworthy individual doesn't really make much sense.

I loved someone once, until I realized that she changed, that she was no longer the person I fell in love with. At that point I realized that there is only attachment for a ghost and I let go.

This is true. The problem is how do you let go of attachment. I understand the concept of letting go but in reality it feels impossible. I need a real concrete solution. I've studied Taoism, Zen, and Buddhism. All teaching about attachment and letting go. Yet I have never been truly able to let go of attachment. If you have the secret please share.

 

[figurehead]

There are two things that comes to my mind as I read your post. (I don't mean to sound like a pro-lifer or some stupid like that). The first one I used to say as a joke - if there's such a thing as prince(ss) charming, you'd have to kiss lots of frogs to get there. Now the other is really sad, but I learned it to be true; the love of your life (and now it sounds ridiculous) isn't often the love of your life (And here I mean the wonderful person you're in love with). Many years ago I fell for this guy, I was hopelessly in love with. And I still am in a kind of conspicuous way. So now many years later, yes, he still makes my heart miss a bit, but still I've been married to a great guy and have a daughter with him. And 2 dogs. Would I run away with him still? Possibly I don't know. I just wanted to say, when it comes to the love of your life not always your princess can be tangible however much you try. Second best, crikey that sounds terrible, can take you much farther the princess. Sorry I'm rambling. Anyway, if you want to CTB because her, it's your choice, I just think there might be a chance of happiness somewhere you can't see.

 

[letmejoindeath]

13 year break up for me. Out of the blue she says "I'm not in love with you anymore." All the same things your experiencing. From loving to cold distant annoyance. Like a light switch. The change in her was immediate. No changing her mind now. I will kill myself soon because of her. Lost love sucks. You can pm me if you want to chat about heartbreak and suicide.

This is true. The problem is how do you let go of attachment. I understand the concept of letting go but in reality it feels impossible. I need a real concrete solution. I've studied Taoism, Zen, and Buddhism. All teaching about attachment and letting go. Yet I have never been truly able to let go of attachment. If you have the secret please share.

If I have to start over again with someone else I'm done.

My family will be all over the place and it will just mean I need to ctb.

I have two daughters from a previously relationship that I never get to see because they live far away and I dont make enough money to be able to afford to visit.

Now I have one with this past relationship and some other guy is going to get to be around my daughter 75% of the time.

He's going to be more of a father figure than me. I just don't want to do this again. Im done

 

[chasm]

There are two things that comes to my mind as I read your post. (I don't mean to sound like a pro-lifer or some stupid like that). The first one I used to say as a joke - if there's such a thing as prince(ss) charming, you'd have to kiss lots of frogs to get there. Now the other is really sad, but I learned it to be true; the love of your life (and now it sounds ridiculous) isn't often the love of your life (And here I mean the wonderful person you're in love with). Many years ago I fell for this guy, I was hopelessly in love with. And I still am in a kind of conspicuous way. So now many years later, yes, he still makes my heart miss a bit, but still I've been married to a great guy and have a daughter with him. And 2 dogs. Would I run away with him still? Possibly I don't know. I just wanted to say, when it comes to the love of your life not always your princess can be tangible however much you try. Second best, crikey that sounds terrible, can take you much farther the princess. Sorry I'm rambling. Anyway, if you want to CTB because her, it's your choice, I just think there might be a chance of happiness somewhere you can't see.

I appreciate the thoughtful words. You could be right about that. I won't let her go though, I can't/won't. I had her but I fucked it up which, looking back over the years, I've done with so many things. This is the last time, that's it for me. I'm so fed up with this lonely, miserable life; it's torture, I just want to end it.

 

[steppenwolf]

You don't love this girl, you don't even know her really, you only think you do. Love is always a two-way thing and it doesn't hurt. What you have is a disease. It's called limerance. Look it up.

 

[Adûnâi]

Suicide over love, now that's a classic! Haven't read the full thread, but a feminist would surely commend you for not stalking her or being creepy / possessive, at least. Although, is there a god to oversee our moral conduct? Or is it our inner moral decency to make our life as neat as possible?

I'm just an eternal incel who hasn't ever had an acquaintance, much less a love interest. Or, to be fair, there was this girl online whom I effected to postpone her roping, she then ghosted me. So that was the closest to love experience for me (since primary school lmao), and it was insanely powerful - even though I never even saw her, and didn't even dream of, umm... fucking her? Or whatever normies do with their love interests? Again, I'm an incel, it's more spiritual to me than anything else.

I'll just do my sales pitch and tell everyone in this thread - chances are artificial intelligence is going to solve this issue by 2026, the perfect and better than human waifu (husbando) of your dreams, so at least this problem doesn't seem as unsolvable. But then again, I'm an autistic incel who experienced things after chatting with a person whom I never saw, YMMV.

 

[chasm]

You don't love this girl, you don't even know her really, you only think you do. Love is always a two-way thing and it doesn't hurt. What you have is a disease. It's called limerance. Look it up.

Thank you. I am very familiar with limerence actually, and you're absolutely correct -- I'm limerent and she's my LO. I do love her however, which I certainly can do regardless of whether the feeling is mutual.

 

[Oneness]

there is a difference between love (and the feeling of missing someone when they are absent) and attachment.

The problem is how do you let go of attachment. I understand the concept of letting go but in reality it feels impossible. I need a real concrete solution. I've studied Taoism, Zen, and Buddhism. All teaching about attachment and letting go. Yet I have never been truly able to let go of attachment. If you have the secret please share.

This conversation on attachment intrigues me. If we're to label attachment as entirely detrimental and advocate its avoidance, then one could argue that suicide, being the ultimate release from all attachments through death, is the logical solution. Consequently, discussing the contrast between attachment and love might not serve any meaningful purpose in this context.

It's okay to have attachments in this world. Just my two cents.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

If I have to start over again with someone else I'm done.

My family will be all over the place and it will just mean I need to ctb.

I have two daughters from a previously relationship that I never get to see because they live far away and I dont make enough money to be able to afford to visit.

Now I have one with this past relationship and some other guy is going to get to be around my daughter 75% of the time.

He's going to be more of a father figure than me. I just don't want to do this again. Im done

I here you! I won't spend a single day without my kids because of a breakup. I will kill myself the day I don't get to see them. The pain of losing me to suicide will be less painful than seeing me slowly spiral to my death. It could be any day. She holds all the power.

 

[Blue Elephant]

I acknowledge that it's more so attachment in the way you've characterized it that I struggle with. It hurts immensely nevertheless. I commend you for being able to let go of your person. I can't imagine being able to do that. I am so sad, my life is so fucked up, my heart aches so much, I just want to die.

The thing is I let go (of my ex) and at the same time I didn't. I let go of the person who she is now because she changed, because she is not the person I fell in love with, she is not a good person anymore. But I didn't let go of the person she was. I'm sad but her missing is only part of my sadness. I'm sad because of the general state of things, because of how this society behaves. This is why I plan to CTB as well.

What I'm trying to suggest is to look at her, at how she sees you objectively. You can do that (and hopefully find a way forward) or you can stay focused on the pain. It's your choice.

Out of the blue she says "I'm not in love with you anymore."

This is what my ex said as well. Not a single fuck was given. Ice cold! And when this happened I realized that there really is no point in having a relationship because no matter what I do there will always be the possibility that at some point in the future she will say that. People don't know who they are, they don't know what they want, how to love, what love is, they just want accessories and I have a heart.

This is true. The problem is how do you let go of attachment. I understand the concept of letting go but in reality it feels impossible. I need a real concrete solution. I've studied Taoism, Zen, and Buddhism. All teaching about attachment and letting go. Yet I have never been truly able to let go of attachment. If you have the secret please share.

I've studied Buddhism too and I know what you mean. You have to understand what each attachement is and how does it work. I can't give you an exact answer on how to let go because it depends on the type of attachment. Situations are different and each needs to be approached in a different way.