F
friendless_soul
New Member
- Mar 26, 2021
- 4
I have been lurking a long time, and guess I just need to vent.
I'm a middle aged man, with a job, healthy, with kids and a semi steady relationship…. But I think about killing myself all the time.
I've always battled thoughts but never had or still have the balls to do it, I used to be quite a loner even though I had friends looking back it was very toxic as I was the brunt of all the jokes and possibly I was just around to put me down and make them feel better about them selves. I was a loner, up until I met my girlfriend, everything was amazing, she showed me how people should treat you and how to be loved, he had kids together and moved into our own place and everything was amazing, until she found old pictures of a girl I used to talk to on my computer. Since then it has been a rocky road of falling out, her not trusting me but still not wanting to end things because she loves me.
But since then the thoughts have come back, I've neglected her and it is straining the relationship. Ive told her before that before her I used to think about suicide but have never told her about my thoughts now, she often tells me in heated arguments that maybe I should move back to my moms house and kill myself and that her and the kids would be much better without me, I know she doesn't mean it, she never apologises about it though.
Since her finding the pictures I lost my job which I loved, I easily found another but it wasn't the same, I've since then left that one for the one I have now and things couldn't be worse, today I was demoted after months of no support from management and no real training, and now I can't bare to look at people I work with knowing I couldn't hack the job.
I have had enough, I'm sick of being taken advantage of, I'm sick of arguments with my girlfriend, im sick of falling out with her and neglecting her when I don't want to, I'm sick of being in a job I can't don't like or want anymore and I'm sick of not having the balls to actually end it all.
I'm tired, just sick and tired!
I'm a middle aged man, with a job, healthy, with kids and a semi steady relationship…. But I think about killing myself all the time.
I've always battled thoughts but never had or still have the balls to do it, I used to be quite a loner even though I had friends looking back it was very toxic as I was the brunt of all the jokes and possibly I was just around to put me down and make them feel better about them selves. I was a loner, up until I met my girlfriend, everything was amazing, she showed me how people should treat you and how to be loved, he had kids together and moved into our own place and everything was amazing, until she found old pictures of a girl I used to talk to on my computer. Since then it has been a rocky road of falling out, her not trusting me but still not wanting to end things because she loves me.
But since then the thoughts have come back, I've neglected her and it is straining the relationship. Ive told her before that before her I used to think about suicide but have never told her about my thoughts now, she often tells me in heated arguments that maybe I should move back to my moms house and kill myself and that her and the kids would be much better without me, I know she doesn't mean it, she never apologises about it though.
Since her finding the pictures I lost my job which I loved, I easily found another but it wasn't the same, I've since then left that one for the one I have now and things couldn't be worse, today I was demoted after months of no support from management and no real training, and now I can't bare to look at people I work with knowing I couldn't hack the job.
I have had enough, I'm sick of being taken advantage of, I'm sick of arguments with my girlfriend, im sick of falling out with her and neglecting her when I don't want to, I'm sick of being in a job I can't don't like or want anymore and I'm sick of not having the balls to actually end it all.
I'm tired, just sick and tired!