Don’t I deserve it?

[megado9956]

First time posting. :)

I am a repulsive human being. I am a manipulator, I harm people. I have no job, I dropped out of school, I have illegal sexual perversions, and anyone who knows the worst parts of me thinks the world would be better off without me

I have people who love me, and who I love. Maybe I should make them understand I'm not worthy of their care. I'm selfish though, and afraid. I wish I could quietly leave without hurting anyone. More people want me dead than alive.

And don't I deserve it

 

[Cress]

This is gonna initially sound a bit preachy I imagine, but I don't think anyone deserves suffering. The whole idea of C T B is to reduce suffering not increase it. Everyone's a mixture of villainous and the hero. Even generally bad people will sometimes accidentally end up helping others Just by existing. I don't think you should be unnecessarily punishing yourself for any reason.

 

[dreamscape1111]

Your mind is playing tricks on you, I know how it feels.

Being here is not a question of worth, that's just a relative projection of the mind.

There's only absolute Good, everything that exists is Perfect and wholly Worthy, simply by being here, being itself, expressing an inextricable part of Reality/Infinity/Love.

Every single piece of an INFINITE jigsaw puzzle is absolutely perfect and needed, the Universe would be incomplete without you.

So cease fighting against yourself, because you're not getting anywhere with that, and love yourself into Wholeness.

 

[megado9956]

I appreciate the words

Maybe I am just getting too caught up in what people think is objectively right and wrong and who arbitrarily deserves and doesn't deserve to live.

Then again, the spaces I'm surrounded by seem to continually repeat the sentiment that "if only all the bad people in the world could just die, then there would be no more problems"

It's not that I think my own CTB would be entirely for others benefit or an act of selflessness. even besides my own internal struggles, as a dropout my opportunities will always be limited. (I am trying to get my GED! I forgot how to do basic subtraction. :P)

life seems to be a daily struggle to stay afloat, so I suppose my thoughts of being undeserving of life are only really fuel to the greater feeling of hopelessness, a way to justify it

 

[GreenMarsh]

First time posting. :)

I am a repulsive human being. I am a manipulator, I harm people. I have no job, I dropped out of school, I have illegal sexual perversions, and anyone who knows the worst parts of me thinks the world would be better off without me

I have people who love me, and who I love. Maybe I should make them understand I'm not worthy of their care. I'm selfish though, and afraid. I wish I could quietly leave without hurting anyone. More people want me dead than alive.

And don't I deserve it

This is a very interesting thread, as it's not often people will go as far as to admit that they have illegal sexual perversions. For that, I commend your honesty OP, truly.

That being said, even if the things you have done are bad, the fact you're able to feel guilt about them does prove that there is some part of you that wants to change. Whether or not you can is entirely up to you, though. Ostensibly, we are what we repeatedly do, that includes the decisions that we make. In your case, let's say that you decide to partake in watching a form of illegal pornography, then at that moment, you are someone watching illegal pornography; likewise, if you abstain from your desires, (which I believe you're capable of because of your guilt, albeit it might not be easy), then at that moment, you are not someone who you can be repulsed by, you'd be someone who fought back for the better.

Even if you have done bad things in the past, you can't change that now. Guilt alone is proof that you want to do better yes, but besides that, it's a useless emotion. At the risk of sounding preachy OP, I think you should do right by the people you've hurt by making better decisions at least for their sake, if not for yours. You know what's good and what's bad clearly, so use whatever will power you can muster to choose good next time the opportunity arises.

That being said however, regardless of what type of person you are, I still do believe everyone retains the right to kill themselves if they truly feel that way, so you are free to do that if that's what you really want. If you really intend to CTB, then at least give an honest, non-sugar coating apology to the people you've hurt. I think you'll feel better afterwards too, I known a part of you probably resonates with that.

Either way, thank you for sharing; I do believe part of changing is admitting your wrongs, even if you weren't specific, it's a great start.