Mixo
Blue
- Aug 2, 2020
- 773
Life can deliver unbearable pain, but often I have to remind myself that pain isn't permanent. This isn't magical thinking or empty optimism, but simply a fact. The dark cloud is over you, your body may be failing you, your mind may refuse to work the way you want it to, but even in the face of unbearable, chronic, unyielding pain, I remind myself that pain has to end at some point. And yes, even if it means CTBing in the process to end it, that fact still stands.
Having had some progress this year in clearing some troublesome infections that were lowering quality of life somewhat (but still with a couple more intense hurdles left), I am looking back on the progress I've made and wondering how I managed to get through. I had to scrape together hundreds of dollars to afford some of these treatments, but made it a priority. When you're ill for a long time, one of the most insidious things that happens is that you become attenuated to a certain level of pain, discomfort, and lower quality of life. For some that is depressing, for others that fact is inspiring; it's a matter of perspective. It can be tempting to lose sight of a larger goal to fight back.
On the road to recovery, you will have days where you want to end it, days where you just want to capitulate, or many iterations of thoughts telling you there is no point in continuing. It takes physical and mental effort to push back against that and most of the time, I didn't fight these thoughts back. Sometimes I even let them swallow me whole. There might mental vipers in your life sucking your energy further or making you feel even shittier. The most important thing, I find, is to keep on track anyway, in spite of how low, dejected, and empty it feels. Your actions are so much more important than your emotional state, functionally speaking. Your mind will tell you in about 1,000 different ways you aren't worth it, you're nothing, you're already in the shitter so why try? Even if you don't push back against such thoughts, just keep following through on your planned interventions, anyway.
Today is the first day in a long time I feel that inner fog of hopelessness, dread, and emptiness lifting. The last couple of months I've been subjected to a lot of sturm and drang, but for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling a sense of excitement for the future again and I'm even envisioning future goals for myself. A lot of my situation will not be up to me, but to my environment, ultimately, though. Even if you fail in the end, at least you'll know you did your best and tried with sincerity to recover.
Having had some progress this year in clearing some troublesome infections that were lowering quality of life somewhat (but still with a couple more intense hurdles left), I am looking back on the progress I've made and wondering how I managed to get through. I had to scrape together hundreds of dollars to afford some of these treatments, but made it a priority. When you're ill for a long time, one of the most insidious things that happens is that you become attenuated to a certain level of pain, discomfort, and lower quality of life. For some that is depressing, for others that fact is inspiring; it's a matter of perspective. It can be tempting to lose sight of a larger goal to fight back.
On the road to recovery, you will have days where you want to end it, days where you just want to capitulate, or many iterations of thoughts telling you there is no point in continuing. It takes physical and mental effort to push back against that and most of the time, I didn't fight these thoughts back. Sometimes I even let them swallow me whole. There might mental vipers in your life sucking your energy further or making you feel even shittier. The most important thing, I find, is to keep on track anyway, in spite of how low, dejected, and empty it feels. Your actions are so much more important than your emotional state, functionally speaking. Your mind will tell you in about 1,000 different ways you aren't worth it, you're nothing, you're already in the shitter so why try? Even if you don't push back against such thoughts, just keep following through on your planned interventions, anyway.
Today is the first day in a long time I feel that inner fog of hopelessness, dread, and emptiness lifting. The last couple of months I've been subjected to a lot of sturm and drang, but for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling a sense of excitement for the future again and I'm even envisioning future goals for myself. A lot of my situation will not be up to me, but to my environment, ultimately, though. Even if you fail in the end, at least you'll know you did your best and tried with sincerity to recover.
