I don't think I've ever felt like a real person, but it's been especially bad for the last several years in particular. People's faces have been warping and twisting, and it's been difficult to read their emotions in a way that feels true. Expressions just seem like random configurations of facial muscles, and words just sound like noise. I feel like a ghost that lives in a dimension right below reality; I'm hyperaware of all the stimulus of the world but I'm not able to do anything valuable with it or participate like a worthy human being.
The only thing that feels real is my body, and I can hardly look at it in the mirror without feeling ill. Years of chronic mental and physical illness have made me hideous in specific ways that I cannot medically fix. Though I was never pretty to begin with, getting permanently sick from medical neglect and going through the wrong puberty definitely made things significantly worse in ways that I can't forgive.
I am actually proud to be trans in the abstract: it's given me a lot of insight into myself and the world around me, and most of the most beautiful, intelligent, and interesting women I've met in my life have been trans themselves. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with early knowledge of myself or a body that was well-suited to transition, and I feel like an embarrassment to trans women everywhere most of the time. Like any girl, I'd like to be pretty, but that feels definitively out of reach. Not every feature I have is awful, but the good ones are wasted on a body as ugly on the whole as mine. Getting consistently gendered male despite my best efforts also wears me down. I just feel like a biological failure.
Something that scares me is that my soul is an illusion conjured by my physical brain; the body that I hate is all that I am. I think about the infant that I used to be and feel so ashamed that she's been betrayed by having to grow into this.
I feel like I'm not supposed to exist. I just can't conjure joy and feelings of safety and security in the way that I should be able to as a human being. I can only conclude that I lack the internal and external parts of myself necessary to feel like I am enough because I am simply not. I keep trying to "get better," whatever that means, but I always end up at this same conclusion over and over again despite my efforts to live like a normal person.
Most people eventually become disturbed by my emotions and leave. I don't even know what I'd prefer for them to do because I know that they can't fix the things that are wrong with me. I don't begrudge them for not wanting to be around me because my sadness is radioactive. It does hurt to be left behind, though. I resent feeling like this because if I were a strong, healthy, beautiful, and real enough person I wouldn't possess this desperate need for companionship that doesn't even satisfy the emptiness that I feel; I could finally relax. My relationships with other people would probably be more balanced, too; I wouldn't have to sacrifice so much to keep them around. I think I've stopped believing in love, and I hate that I've become so bitter and cynical that it's gotten to this point.
I've been thinking that it might be better to just die if I can't accept living out the rest of my natural lifespan like this. I have been suicidal to some degree since I was a young teenager and have attempted multiple times but gave up every time out of fear or because the method I impulsively chose hurt too much. I am still scared of dying, but as I get older, the prospect of living like this (and probably getting worse) for so many more years makes me feel so undignified and helpless.
I'm sorry for wasting the time of anyone who actually read through all of these disorganized thoughts.
The only thing that feels real is my body, and I can hardly look at it in the mirror without feeling ill. Years of chronic mental and physical illness have made me hideous in specific ways that I cannot medically fix. Though I was never pretty to begin with, getting permanently sick from medical neglect and going through the wrong puberty definitely made things significantly worse in ways that I can't forgive.
I am actually proud to be trans in the abstract: it's given me a lot of insight into myself and the world around me, and most of the most beautiful, intelligent, and interesting women I've met in my life have been trans themselves. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with early knowledge of myself or a body that was well-suited to transition, and I feel like an embarrassment to trans women everywhere most of the time. Like any girl, I'd like to be pretty, but that feels definitively out of reach. Not every feature I have is awful, but the good ones are wasted on a body as ugly on the whole as mine. Getting consistently gendered male despite my best efforts also wears me down. I just feel like a biological failure.
Something that scares me is that my soul is an illusion conjured by my physical brain; the body that I hate is all that I am. I think about the infant that I used to be and feel so ashamed that she's been betrayed by having to grow into this.
I feel like I'm not supposed to exist. I just can't conjure joy and feelings of safety and security in the way that I should be able to as a human being. I can only conclude that I lack the internal and external parts of myself necessary to feel like I am enough because I am simply not. I keep trying to "get better," whatever that means, but I always end up at this same conclusion over and over again despite my efforts to live like a normal person.
Most people eventually become disturbed by my emotions and leave. I don't even know what I'd prefer for them to do because I know that they can't fix the things that are wrong with me. I don't begrudge them for not wanting to be around me because my sadness is radioactive. It does hurt to be left behind, though. I resent feeling like this because if I were a strong, healthy, beautiful, and real enough person I wouldn't possess this desperate need for companionship that doesn't even satisfy the emptiness that I feel; I could finally relax. My relationships with other people would probably be more balanced, too; I wouldn't have to sacrifice so much to keep them around. I think I've stopped believing in love, and I hate that I've become so bitter and cynical that it's gotten to this point.
I've been thinking that it might be better to just die if I can't accept living out the rest of my natural lifespan like this. I have been suicidal to some degree since I was a young teenager and have attempted multiple times but gave up every time out of fear or because the method I impulsively chose hurt too much. I am still scared of dying, but as I get older, the prospect of living like this (and probably getting worse) for so many more years makes me feel so undignified and helpless.
I'm sorry for wasting the time of anyone who actually read through all of these disorganized thoughts.
