Venting "Don't act like I don't understand, you don't know what I've been through."

[BitterlyAlive]

Fuck. You. I've been told that multiple times by my parents all year. My mom and I got in a fight and she "pointed out" that: I haven't changed all year, I don't leave my room, shower, want to be around people, want to hang out with anyone. Then she said I "work when I want to and call in when I don't", and bitched because I "leave early". She said that me not wanting anything in life is just a "cop-out", an excuse. Really? Because it's been my life for as long as I can remember. Literally my whole life since I was a kid is struggling to meet expectations and trying to not kill myself. I hate life and truly don't want anything. But sure, I'm just making excuses.

I was so angry, I told her to shut up a few times. My parents have made no effort to help or understand what I've been going through for so damn long. Everything is my problem, my fault. I'm 23, what the fuck am I doing? They've said that too, like I'm unaware that I'm an immature piece of shit who has nothing. Being told that "I don't know what they've been through" is bullshit and makes what I'm going through all about them. Being told that I'm making excuses and being lazy when I'm giving honest answers is rude as hell. Being yelled at for not being able to manage my depression, despite working my ass off for years to change it and fix myself, and continually trying meds and therapy.... And then being told I shouldn't be rude and they don't need to walk on eggshells around me?

They act like I'm just choosing to stay at home instead of work. I stay at home when I can't fucking get out of bed, haven't slept in 24 hours, am in too much emotional pain to do anything. I don't "leave early", my boss sends me home because I have breakdowns and literally cannot do my job. Did they forget I was so anxious and stressed last weekend that I couldn't MOVE?

Things are getting more out of control. My job has put me on leave until my therapist thinks I'm able to work again, and all my mom has to say is "okay now what? You can't just lay around." Fuck my shame and embarrassment at being told I'm unable to work, right? Yup, this whole year has been a plot to mooch off of people and do nothing.

I guess at this rate I have no choice but to try a partial hospitalization program. But I still want to die, and it's more about me than my parents. I'm still planning on killing myself in November. I've been suffering with this shit for years and years, and I'm done. I can't do it anymore.

 

[woxihuanni]

Your parents are fucktards. If you were rich and lay in bed all day, and only left the house to take them for a walk on a leash, they would bark joyfully.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Your parents are fucktards. If you were rich and lay in bed all day, and only left the house to take them for a walk on a leash, they would bark joyfully.

At this point, I'd dare to say that they're being assholes and refusing to change, similar to what @GoodPersonEffed pointed out the other day. I'm tempted to use their words against them and tell my mom she's being a bitch, then when she gets mad I'll throw her words back at her. "Oh, Mom, I'm not calling you a bitch! I'm saying you're acting like one :)" Because she tried saying that about my dad calling me a bitch. Lol

Sorry, I'm angry and petty rn

 

[woxihuanni]

At this point, I'd dare to say that they're being assholes and refusing to change, similar to what @GoodPersonEffed pointed out the other day. I'm tempted to use their words against them and tell my mom she's being a bitch, then when she gets mad I'll throw her words back at her. "Oh, Mom, I'm not calling you a bitch! I'm saying you're acting like one :)" Because she tried saying that about my dad calling me a bitch. Lol

Sorry, I'm angry and petty rn

Nah, not petty and no need for sorry.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I think this is just an annoying consequence of humans humaning tbh. We naturally try to empathize with people which is nice but also seems to lead to people constantly projecting their own feelings onto us and misunderstanding how we actually feel and why we act the way we do.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I think this is just an annoying consequence of humans humaning tbh. We naturally try to empathize with people which is nice but also seems to lead to people constantly projecting their own feelings onto us and misunderstanding how we actually feel and why we act the way we do.

I think the root of it is, my parents had horrible childhoods and seem to lack emotional intelligence. They want my brother and I to live productive, meaningful lives. They raised us well enough, but because they have issues from their trauma that don't seem to have ever been addressed, they've both struggled with alcoholism, created their own dysfunctional family, and are nasty in their own way. They refuse to see that their actions and choices have been harmful, they refuse to even try to understand my mental health issues and constantly deflect or invalidate my pain instead. It's either a joke (anxiety), or I'm being lazy and not trying hard enough (anxiety and depression).

But really, I'm just as bad as them. So idk. Anyway, I think a lot of their behavior is due to pain and confusion. Because I didn't turn out as planned, I guess.