Doing things out of habit

[mold]

After probably some of the worst months of my life, I've finally decided to and made peace with dying as soon as I can. I'm thinking this Friday, but I'm not too sure yet. I'd like to do it before my semester stars (which is conveniently on my birthday, lol). I was already on the edge for about a year or so, and I think I just had my final push.

Despite this, I still go about my day and do what I usually do as if it matters. Maybe I'm just doing these things out of habit, because I'm certainly not doing them because I want to live. I think I'm just going off of autopilot rn. I catch myself doing chores like laundry or dishes, making plans to pay bills, filing my taxes, etc. I even talk to my friends and family and just kind of say yes to any plans they make and accept anything like I used to as if I'm not about to jump from 120ish meters soon (thats about 400 feet for you Americans out there). It's strange telling my classmates I'll see them on the first day of the classes for the semester like I usually would, when I'm likely not going to be there. Even if I survived, I'd probably be in the hospital when the semester starts. I'm not making plans or promises with people because I'm trying to be disingenuous or anything, I think I'm just doing what I've been hard wired to do for a while that I can't even stop myself from doing it. It won't matter if my bills don't get paid or the dishes not being done or applying for uni classes, I'm not gonna be there, but I'm still doing it all anyway. It's weird.

Is there anyone else doing/going through something similar?

 

[Topaz111]

I do so many things on autopilot even if they won't matter. I think a part of it is that it's just a habit, but also continuing to "live as normal" up until my final day lessens the risk that my mother figures out something is off.

 

[mold]

I do so many things on autopilot even if they won't matter. I think a part of it is that it's just a habit, but also continuing to "live as normal" up until my final day lessens the risk that my mother figures out something is off.

Definitely in this boat rn, my mom is staying with me for a bit before going home and I'm trying really hard to be normal around her. I think she thinks something is up, but probably thinks its more physical pain than mental. I just don't want to worry her.

 

[dreaming]

habit and instinct are all that carries me through most days anymore, even distracting myself from my feelings is just a habit even if it pushes me towards doing things I normally wouldn't do sometimes.

 

[meatballlover]

Might be a hot take but it is better to live responsibly even when you know your death date is soon. If you live your last days like nothing matters and do irreversible decisions then you can deeply regret that later if ctb either fails or you chicken out.
I also live out of habit - school - home - sleep - repeat. I really hate that life but I cant afford to get out of my flow

 

[mold]

Might be a hot take but it is better to live responsibly even when you know your death date is soon. If you live your last days like nothing matters and do irreversible decisions then you can deeply regret that later if ctb either fails or you chicken out.
I also live out of habit - school - home - sleep - repeat. I really hate that life but I cant afford to get out of my flow

I don't think this is a hot take at all tbh, as someone who has failed CTB mutiple times with multiple methods, I think my life would probably be harder if I came back home to unpaid bills or a dirty house, lol.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i used to cut out of habit, even when i wasnt feeling all that shitty. i might cut right now tbh, im feeling kinda depressed cause it feels like i'll never find love. plus i wanna make more scars

 

[hopeisgone]

Yep, have backed out too many times to go making irreversible decisions. Still, it does feel absurd to carry on working, cleaning, keeping up with responsibilities when you live with the ever-present feeling of absolutely none of it mattering. And the possibility in the back (or front) of your mind that it won't be for long.

I think it's hard to consciously let go and let your life just.. fall apart. When my life has fallen apart in the past, it's usually unconscious (like, I got so overwhelmed that it just happened, it didnt feel like a decision).