Venting Doing it once this Covid shit is over

[stunnednaddled]

I've had my noose ready for over a month, I want to go so bad but I don't want to add stress to everyone's lives. Once this stay at home shit is over, I'm finally going to hang myself, maybe sooner even if I get myself to that point. I just want to save enough money to send to my wife (we're split atm) so she won't be under more financial stress, as she lost her job to all this shit. I'm so fucking sick of living, I constantly wish I could just die in any way, I wish somebody would just hit me with their car or somebody would go crazy and shoot me already. My antidepressants are giving me vivid nightmares and I just end up drinking to cope with all the bullshit. I'm going to keep telling my therapist I'm doing great and try to get a refill on my klonopin to take the edge off and help with the pain of hanging, I'm using a towel and zip ties as a noose, I tried partial already but I'm not confident so instead I put the towel over my door and zip tied the back of it so it doesn't slip through and I lifted myself off the ground completely with no sketchy sounds or anything, so I'm pretty confident in this method. I can't wait to finally leave this life, I'm so sick of being alive, I'm sick of living in constant agony as I have been since I was 6 and I got my first suicidal thought. My best friend killed himself a year ago the same way I'm going out. I wish I could go sooner but again this current situation sucks and I don't want to add to that. I'm so done with life, and I have been for so long. I wish I would've had the balls to do it 7 years ago when I tried to shoot myself so I could've avoided all this in the first place. Every time life starts to look up, it goes back down twice as hard. I feel like I'm cursed and I'm ready for this shit to be over. Sorry for the rant, I'm just super stressed right now and I think about this shit daily, I just want to be gone.

 

[GiveUp]

Woah - this is uncannily close to how I feel. I also regret not doing it before this lock down/isolation and I'm waiting to do it after because I feel guilty to do it during a pandemic; I also find that when things start to look up, it's very much temporary and falls back down very hard. I'm so fed up of living. I dont like living. I want to give it back. I'm so fed up of being told that depression is temporary and life will get better because experience has proven that it doesnt.

 

[stunnednaddled]

Woah - this is uncannily close to how I feel. I also regret not doing it before this lock down/isolation and I'm waiting to do it after because I feel guilty to do it during a pandemic; I also find that when things start to look up, it's very much temporary and falls back down very hard. I'm so fed up of living. I dont like living. I want to give it back. I'm so fed up of being told that depression is temporary and life will get better because experience has proven that it doesnt.

yeah I wish I did it before but I had a lot more hope before this shit started. During this time I just slowly feel lower and lower. I'm gonna try and refill my benzo script today and if I can, I just tested my noose at a height where my heels are still on the ground and I made it not hurt at all and almost passed out after 3 seconds so I feel very confident in at least one thing in my life right now. Hopefully this ends in May and I can do it then, I'm considering just catching the bus this week and getting it over with tho

 

[GiveUp]

Did you manage to get a refill?
I'm sorry it's getting harder :( I can imagine the frustration of wanting to just get out as fast as possible.

 

[reapandsow918]

I'll be doing it after this COVID 19 stuff is over too. Kind of ruined my plans because everything is shut down.

 

[stunnednaddled]

Did you manage to get a refill?
I'm sorry it's getting harder :( I can imagine the frustration of wanting to just get out as fast as possible.

Yeah, I wasn't supposed to see my psych until the 15th but I was gonna be short on antidepressants so I called and asked for a refill on those and some extra kpin and luckily she agreed. I took 2 with 160 oz of malt liquor and some weed last night and I was ready to do it but I was too tired lol. Gonna try today with 2 kpins and maybe only one 40 cuz even my sober SI isn't that strong right now, it should be just enough to push me over that hurdle