Doing better yet still desiring to ctb

[iDieUDie80]

I have been experiencing fewer borderline episodes, that is, fewer intrusive thoughts accompanied with intense emotions. I am less distressed with unwanted thoughts and suicidal ideation during the day. But suicide isn't completely gone from my mind. Even though I'm slightly moving forward with my life, in ways like signing up for new therapy, ordering books and kits I need for classes for the spring semester, I still want to end my life. I don't feel very sad about it. I guess no matter what I always have this desire in the background, and a part of me always feels like it's the right thing to do, or the only thing I can do. It's something I can always fall back on when things get hairier. I just feel comfort about it. I don't think the people outside of my family would be hurt too much.

(Ugh... and I say that just a few days after my closest friend tells me she would be in pain if I died. It's like I just can't believe her anymore. I am insistent that she doesn't care, or needs me as badly as I need her. )

 

[Raminiki]

I know the feeling. I was crazy suicidal all last year to the point of crumbling and speaking to crisis services. I was prescribed a new medication and since then, things are somewhat calmer. I'm not any less depressed, and the thoughts are still there, but the extreme emotional volatility is reduced. It's likely just that my situation is so very quiet and non-stressful, living as a recluse. Large upsetting events set me off on a spiral out of control. I'm just waiting for the next one.

I really want an excuse that says 'that's it, there's really nothing more I can do and the pain cannot be overcome' so I can conclude my story. Right at the end of last year I got a reprieve of good news that stopped me ctbing. I threatened the universe for shitdumping on me for years and it turned around and backed off. I kind of deride it for doing so, as it's dragging out inevitable pointless suffering, and I know it, but general stagnation in a place of comfort and security is no excuse to die for me.

And yet, I still wake in the middle of the night to traumatic memories I can never rid myself of, and an unjust existence where I'm regularly mistreated by family in ways that are callous and hurt immensely, and which they're often oblivious of, and those things will never go away but torture me daily. And living with them is a misery.

One good thing about last year is that it spurred me into securing my method to be almost guaranteed failsafe. I grabbed SN before it became unavailable in my country. I knew the pandemic would spike suicides and draw attention to popular methods. I was right.

I have my supplies and a nigh sure way to go, and that brings me much comfort and tolerance of the problems in the world outwith my control. I fear less the threat of ruination knowing I can escape before it takes away my autonomy. Knowing I can decide enough is enough helps me endure further debasement by the universe.

 

[GottaGo]

It's alright to always have that thought. Me too always have that thought in the back of my mind all the time. Even when things are going very well. You just need to learn to live with it. I think it might be a forever type of things.
You can't insist someone to not care about your death because we are all linked with each other somehow. I was greatly impacted by a student's suicide when I was in college even thought I didn't know her. I still think about her years later to this date.
For me, what works is to literally go to sleep earlier, and surround myself with more positive influences (Meaning deleting social media haha). Also have lower expectations of yourself is another great way to be happier :)
best of luck to you!

 

[KolK]

I think when one reaches a point where he/she feels suicidal, it means a part of our spirit has been broken, and it will never be whole again.