Does this make me Narcissistic?

[Pryras]

It's difficult for me to see people love and praise someone who hurt me even after knowing what they've done. I absolutely hate it, and can't stand it. This confuses me as I don't have high self importance yet it sounds like I do.

Have you had a similar experience where it seems as if everyone loves someone who hurt you and how do you deal with it? I've noticed a lot of people could care less and it doesn't bother them in the slightest which makes me feel like this reaction is abnormal. I was bitter for a long time and part of my grieving process involved anger and resentment. I'm trying hard to overcome these emotions and it's difficult.

 

[Cosmiq]

I don't think that's narcissistic at all. Without knowing your exact situation, I'd say your reaction isn't uncommon. For a lot of people, it feels like a betrayal or like some form of disloyalty especially if the people that love and support them are supposed to love and support us too. But even if it's not people we care for that are giving them praise, we want to see that person pay for and own up for their actions. We want some form of acknowledgment and validation. Without some form of punishment that we see fit, it feels like our pain is being disregarded if everyone else just carries on as if nothing has happened.

 

[pole]

hell no.

this person wronged you and hurt you in ways i can't understand, and there now walking around unscathed, as if they've done nothing, living life and being happy, and being loved by others; while you're here, broken and suffering from the hands of this person. how's that fair?

this persons getting praised and loved as if he's a good person, and it honestly makes you feel as if what he did to you is nothing, as if you don't matter? why does HE GET ALL THIS LOVE AND ATTENTION, BUT NOT THE PERSON WHOS ACTUALLY HURTING? who deserves it more? seeing this person live life without no justice being delivered and consequences to their actions is devastating.

you're not narcissistic for feeling some sort of way about yourself because of what you're abuser (correct me if im wrong please!!) did to you. why and how would anyone feel happy or unbothered for people who hurt them? you aren't narcissistic at at all, and you deserve as much and more happiness and love than the person who's hurt you, and seeing it happen the other way around is heartbreaking cause it just makes you feel like you're nothing.

and to the people who love this person and praise them, it's hard. i can't blame, to be completely honest with you. these types of people cover their acts, put up an act, know how to talk and get their way and there intelligent enough to hide a totally different side of them and honestly some people aren't always aware of this other side a person can have. i definitely can relate because a really close friend i had was loved and praised and given so much attention at school and outside of school. he was you're typical popular kid and my bestfriend. however, he and his girlfriend were going through stuff on and off, and i know that i saw the signs of something being really wrong, but i just didn't acknowledge it because i didn't think he was that type of person. i only realized what he did to her after he hurt me, and she told me about the verbal abuse, him guilt-tripping her and telling her to just swallow her pills and ctb, everything and it made me feel terrible. but one thing that i still recall is that she felt so angry because he would get all this love and attention and was seen as a good person, when he wasn't and what he did to her was like it was nothing. and i still feel absolutely terrible for not seeing it then.

so no, you aren't narcissistic and a bad person for thinking this way. from the posts i've seen from you on the site, you aren't self-centered like this specific situation tries to portray you as, you don't lack empathy like a narcissist does, and you deeply care for others on the site and you're able to think about others outside yourself. the grieving process will always involve this anger and resentment and it's a process when trying to overcome these emotions and it's definitely difficult. "It doesn't take alot of strength to hang on, it takes alot of strength to let go". you'll come to a point where you won't let this person continue to hold you back and realize you're better than them and you'll use you're anger and resentment to you're advantage.

people like this will never live unscathed and untouched. what they've done to others will come back to haunt them. and i hope the people around this person realize the type of person they are one day, and hope they get what's coming to them for the pain they've made people including yourself and others endure.

take care and hope you continue to progress and get stronger during you're grievance process.

 

[RayoSinSol]

A lot of people will deny other peoples' experiences to avoid having to be introspective about their own painful experiences.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It doesn't sound like you're narcissistic, it sounds like you were the victim of a manipulator.

I have a relative who is passive-aggressive. She has an outgoing personality, is charming, people really like her. But if she feels wronged, she waits for a very long time and gets revenge, and she is mean as fuck. The only people who would believe she's like that are her victims, she hides her true self really well. True narcissists can do the same thing, only with intention, because they're playing a game with everyone, and looking good to others is a big part of the game.

Also, I've noticed that you've questioned before whether you're a narcissist, or something along those lines, and that's often something basically good, caring and ethical people do because narcissists use manipulation tactics to confuse and re-define their sense of self through projection, gaslighting, etc.

Have you seen this thread? If you're interested, it may help:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/

 

[Pryras]

It doesn't sound like you're narcissistic, it sounds like you were the victim of a manipulator.

I have a relative who is passive-aggressive. She has an outgoing personality, is charming, people really like her. But if she feels wronged, she waits for a very long time and gets revenge, and she is mean as fuck. The only people who would believe she's like that are her victims, she hides her true self really well. True narcissists can do the same thing, only with intention, because they're playing a game with everyone, and looking good to others is a big part of the game.

Also, I've noticed that you've questioned before whether you're a narcissist, or something along those lines, and that's often something basically good, caring and ethical people do because narcissists use manipulation tactics to confuse and re-define their sense of self through projection, gaslighting, etc.

Have you seen this thread? If you're interested, it may help:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/

Bookmarked the thread and I must say that it's very thorough and I'm grateful you linked it. I asked this same question on a different forum months ago and received mixed responses. One user that I empathized with, was a divorced mother of 2 who watched her abusive ex husband receive a birthday card from her own mother. Inside it read, "you're an amazing father" ...she said she nearly wanted to vomit after reading that. She further went on to say that it's something she's come to accept and that they don't know him as good as she did. That for an abusive narcissist, there's a new mask and behaviour for ever other new person he meets.

hell no.

this person wronged you and hurt you in ways i can't understand, and there now walking around unscathed, as if they've done nothing, living life and being happy, and being loved by others; while you're here, broken and suffering from the hands of this person. how's that fair?

this persons getting praised and loved as if he's a good person, and it honestly makes you feel as if what he did to you is nothing, as if you don't matter? why does HE GET ALL THIS LOVE AND ATTENTION, BUT NOT THE PERSON WHOS ACTUALLY HURTING? who deserves it more? seeing this person live life without no justice being delivered and consequences to their actions is devastating.

you're not narcissistic for feeling some sort of way about yourself because of what you're abuser (correct me if im wrong please!!) did to you. why and how would anyone feel happy or unbothered for people who hurt them? you aren't narcissistic at at all, and you deserve as much and more happiness and love than the person who's hurt you, and seeing it happen the other way around is heartbreaking cause it just makes you feel like you're nothing.

and to the people who love this person and praise them, it's hard. i can't blame, to be completely honest with you. these types of people cover their acts, put up an act, know how to talk and get their way and there intelligent enough to hide a totally different side of them and honestly some people aren't always aware of this other side a person can have. i definitely can relate because a really close friend i had was loved and praised and given so much attention at school and outside of school. he was you're typical popular kid and my bestfriend. however, he and his girlfriend were going through stuff on and off, and i know that i saw the signs of something being really wrong, but i just didn't acknowledge it because i didn't think he was that type of person. i only realized what he did to her after he hurt me, and she told me about the verbal abuse, him guilt-tripping her and telling her to just swallow her pills and ctb, everything and it made me feel terrible. but one thing that i still recall is that she felt so angry because he would get all this love and attention and was seen as a good person, when he wasn't and what he did to her was like it was nothing. and i still feel absolutely terrible for not seeing it then.

so no, you aren't narcissistic and a bad person for thinking this way. from the posts i've seen from you on the site, you aren't self-centered like this specific situation tries to portray you as, you don't lack empathy like a narcissist does, and you deeply care for others on the site and you're able to think about others outside yourself. the grieving process will always involve this anger and resentment and it's a process when trying to overcome these emotions and it's definitely difficult. "It doesn't take alot of strength to hang on, it takes alot of strength to let go". you'll come to a point where you won't let this person continue to hold you back and realize you're better than them and you'll use you're anger and resentment to you're advantage.

people like this will never live unscathed and untouched. what they've done to others will come back to haunt them. and i hope the people around this person realize the type of person they are one day, and hope they get what's coming to them for the pain they've made people including yourself and others endure.

take care and hope you continue to progress and get stronger during you're grievance process.

I can empathize and I'm sorry your friend hurt you. It's always worse when it's someone close to you that you'd never imagine hurting you, that ends up doing just that. It's my first time experiencing something like this, so I'm in awe of how deeply this person has impacted my mental health. It's amazing how good some people are at keeping their true selves hidden and it's unfortunate that good people have to experience the ugly truth that's so easily disguised as charm.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Pryras, so glad the thread helped. If you didn't notice, one of the comments is traits that make people vulnerable to covert manipulators, such as being highly ethical, trying to come up with rational excuses for behaviors, etc. That's what made me think of you taking on the projection that you're the narcissist, that perhaps it's a trait like being ethical that was targeted.

 

[miguel6565]

im a narcissist,i dont think you are i dont mind others i just care of few,that one reason i wanna ctb

 

[Pryras]

I don't think that's narcissistic at all. Without knowing your exact situation, I'd say your reaction isn't uncommon. For a lot of people, it feels like a betrayal or like some form of disloyalty especially if the people that love and support them are supposed to love and support us too. But even if it's not people we care for that are giving them praise, we want to see that person pay for and own up for their actions. We want some form of acknowledgment and validation. Without some form of punishment that we see fit, it feels like our pain is being disregarded if everyone else just carries on as if nothing has happened.

Exactly how I'm feeling honestly. It feels very unjust and disregarded, like it never happened when it had a substantial impact on my life. I thought about just cutting these flying monkeys out of my life completely but then I would have no one. But trust me, I'm feeling pretty damn alone even with them in my space so really what's the difference, right?

 

[Mr2005]

It's difficult for me to see people love and praise someone who hurt me even after knowing what they've done. I absolutely hate it, and can't stand it. This confuses me as I don't have high self importance yet it sounds like I do.

Have you had a similar experience where it seems as if everyone loves someone who hurt you and how do you deal with it? I've noticed a lot of people could care less and it doesn't bother them in the slightest which makes me feel like this reaction is abnormal. I was bitter for a long time and part of my grieving process involved anger and resentment. I'm trying hard to overcome these emotions and it's difficult.

I don't think so. Your avatars not you posing. I was in this position. They just said "well they haven't done anything to me" . Shows how much they cared about me really

 

[K-O]

i understand completely..
trust betrayal and abandonment issues galore triggers..
i have lost many close loved ones from these reasons..
put all my love and energy towards them and their growth- as specially to help their self worth issues..
and was covering up my own pain and struggles so they wouldn't feel burdened by it\me..
i always punish myself inwards and am a self destruct machine (even if the consensus seem to be that the other parties are in the wrong) basically because deep down i know that everything is subjective and people are reckless, no matter their intentions..
i grew up in an environment that constantly hurt and abused me and manipulated the world to cover it up..
i always held up the freedom and love flag.. and observed how human nature can be cruel and it crippled me more and more.. but i know that anger comes from pain and pain comes from sensitivity.. so relaying on others is a shot in the leg and also its hope and the desperate need for love.. but what happens when one doesn't know how to love ones self in a conventional way? and also cannot be part of the emotional social chain any longer.. I've isolated myself- is it self destructive as they say? or is it self destructive to put your heart in others hands..
i cant bear to be with loved ones now because the love\pain is unbearable.. it triggers me to the point of physical spasms and more self harm.. what if you just want peace and their ability to love and their concern pushes you toward destruction..
x

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Exactly how I'm feeling honestly. It feels very unjust and disregarded, like it never happened when it had a substantial impact on my life. I thought about just cutting these flying monkeys out of my life completely but then I would have no one. But trust me, I'm feeling pretty damn alone even with them in my space so really what's the difference, right?

One perspective is that as long as the flying monkeys are still in your life, the narcissistic abuser is still in your life. Having them around may also heighten the sense of being marginalized and alone. It's possible cutting them out will bring freedom, and give you space to heal and recover without their influence and the abuser's. It's challenging to do without other support, but there is support, like books, this forum, maybe other narcissist recovery forums, and seeking out things that would connect you with other people that you didn't/don't have the energy for and maybe even previously interested you, such as classes and meetups. Personally, I think it would be good to consider seeking out such things now so that you feel confident and supported when you're ready to cut out the whole bunch. Just my opinions here, of course. Don't want you to take on anything you don't want or don't agree with.

 

[Pryras]

I don't think so. Your avatars not you posing. I was in this position. They just said "well they haven't done anything to me" . Shows how much they cared about me really

" but they haven't done anything to me" is so hurtful. Like for one, they definitely COULD and second, why would you even want to associate with someone who hurt someone else so badly. Personal misunderstandings aside, I would not want to be friends with someone who's so nasty to others.

 

[TheSoulless]

No, I don't think it's narcissistic. It's a normal reaction, since the situation is seemingly unfair. Especially the fact that you recognise this yourself, and say that you don't have high seld importance otherwise, are signs that you are not actually narcissistic.

 

[Pryras]

Update: Spoke to the guy one last time before I blocked him out for good. He said he never wanted to see me again and how stressed he was (losing hair and not eating) because of what I said to him (that he took advantage of me drunk). At first I was empathic because it seemed like he felt guilty and was reflecting about what he did, but he turned it around and said he shouldn't be feeling his way bc NOTHING happened....so back to square one. I'm at fault for making him feel this way. I even started feeling bad about it like wtf...

It was hard but I blocked him out of my life for good and I'm moving forward. I cannot expect decency or empathy from someone like that. I'm done chasing it.