Discussion Does someone else have the means to CTB ready but are still living?

[DepressedChemMajor]

(Continued) are still living thinking that "Eh let's just see where life leads me, if anything goes bad I can just CTB at any point". If there is someone like this here, how much time has it been since you decided this and how is it going now? And what do you think the future is going to be?
Thanks, much love:)

 

[stargazingalone]

Ive had this mindset for a few years now, but never had anything ready until a few months ago. Right now I always carry a pocket knife with me (just in case), which also doubles as a self defense weapon

 

[Argo]

I think this is very common. When I had a method, having it ready was itself an antidepressant/anxiolytic. It's often not that people desire immediate death, they struggle with a worry of having to continue living if forced to suffer more. A method prepared relieves one of this suffering, and the desire to die often reduces.

 

[Antoine_Roquentin]

I too have almost everything ready, but the biggest reason that keeps me from ctb'ing is the fear that it will be painful.

 

[Chocomel]

I think this is very common. When I had a method, having it ready was itself an antidepressant/anxiolytic. It's often not that people desire immediate death, they struggle with a worry of having to continue living if forced to suffer more. A method prepared relieves one of this suffering, and the desire to die often reduces.

This explain my feeling a lot. When I found what my method is gonna be, I just feel comfort knowing that I can just CTB whenever I want. I already write a suicide note (idk if you can even call that when its made way long before you die).

 

[almaPerdida]

Yeah, i was planning to CTB in March and considered of doing it by next week instead. I have my letter and SN all ready. But i'm kinda curious about the future and i'm thinking about sticking around longer to see what's up. Maybe it will be worth it, and if it isn't, i have everything ready to CTB anyway.

Deep down i don't think i will live past this year and if things don't get better, i will definitely CTB. But having a plan and the stuff i need at hand, really makes me calmer. I feel a little bit of hope but not too much.

 

[cemetorium]

I've had a rope ready for a long time, but I don't have any set plans as of right now.

 

[Kit1]

I have the meds and the means to get to where I need to with a plan to end my life - three different alternatives which will all work well.

Will only end my life if I become too ill to look after myself - as I don't use the NHS medical system, I will end my life if and when I come down with the next chest, UTI infection or anything else which I cannot cope with.

Strong possibility that I might end my life in a dissociative state and that is something that I cannot change.

I am planing to live for as long as my children need me. So I don't have a time set. Will keep the meds in date - just in case.

 

[missmars]

I think this is very common. When I had a method, having it ready was itself an antidepressant/anxiolytic. It's often not that people desire immediate death, they struggle with a worry of having to continue living if forced to suffer more. A method prepared relieves one of this suffering, and the desire to die often reduces.

100%

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I have 1 maybe 2 method ready and accessible. Waiting on my 3rd method. At any point I can CTB, but I'm trying to see how much longer I can hold on for. It certainly feels relieving though to have a means of escape ready.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

This is essentially my mindset most of the time. My suicide attempt failed a while back and now I'm looking what bad thing could happen that'd drive me over the edge once again. If everything goes wrong I can always still end my life. I have given up that my life could become better so it's less of a matter of "if" and more of "when".

 

[Defenestration]

I think this is very common. When I had a method, having it ready was itself an antidepressant/anxiolytic. It's often not that people desire immediate death, they struggle with a worry of having to continue living if forced to suffer more. A method prepared relieves one of this suffering, and the desire to die often reduces.

Me too...
Write suicide notes and think of method and imagine toi do it IS relaxing

 

[Anri_wants_peace]

i know a tower i can climb and jump from...but the altitude is...not very convincing...im waiting for two reasons
1)maybe i can find a better place
2)im saving money for stuff im not jumping sober ;/

 

[Defenestration]

je connais une tour depuis laquelle je peux escalader et sauter... mais l'altitude n'est... pas très convaincante... j'attends pour deux raisons
1) peut-être que je peux trouver un meilleur endroit
2) J'économise de l'argent pour des trucs, je ne saute pas sobre ;/

Height?

 

[Anri_wants_peace]

Height?

yeah if you could give me a hand whit that it will help a lot...im trying to figure how tall is that thing (the tower)

 

[Defenestration]

im not a spécialist but ok
Search on internet height

 

[Worndown]

Conditions and situations change.

 

[Gonnerr]

I buy stuff before they get shut down like SN. Better be safe than sorry.

 

[logi3535]

I used to think like that, seeing where life takes me but just wanting to ctb at any moment to get out of it all. It's a comforting thought knowing you always have something to look forward to, but you could spend a year thinking about it and it still won't be easy, but now I think i just want to buy my stuff when i get enough money and get it over with, i am very tired and exhausted of feeling nothing passionate about my life

 

[Argo]

Argo, this got me thinking here…

Imagine developing an in person support group like we have here. Where we can come together? I know society would be shitless scared/ taboo to the max but man I feel how many warm hugs could we be sharing, how many good cries, how many friendships ?

I feel that's we all could come as the 'healing'. As the ones who had no voice, oppressed to okay wait… we do, we are together in this… we matter, this is how WE feel. It's not that we don't want to live or heal, just that the system can't support the support we need.

I'm pretty sure everyone here would benefit from more support and connection. The main issue is people are suffering deeply in a way that prevents connection or often makes it impossible-- that's what suffering does. It's kind of like... trying to free a mountain lion who is stuck in a bear trap, except you are also a mountain lion stuck in your own bear trap. Or like this poem:

A bit beyond perception's reach
I sometimes believe I see
that life is two locked boxes
each containing the other's key.

 

[no-name9859472882]

I legit have access to n and somehow I'm still here

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I have my method (CO with charcoal) ready. Currently I don't have a real urge to CTB and hardly suicidal thoughts. My problems that cause me depressive episodes are not fixed at all and I think anything bad happening again can change my mind. For now I just go on but in the worst case I have my stuff to CTB ready.

Situations and life circumstances are always subject to changes.

 

[mortuarymary]

Yes and no. Yes I have the means but no I've no urge at the moment. I still need to understand and research Voluntary euthanasia.
I live in Scotland and we are working hard towards dignity in dying.
We hope with the Isle of Man etc we can be the first in z United Kingdom to do this.

 

[Himeasa]

I prepared all means to hang myself via suspension a week ago and almost successfully did it last Tuesday. I was in a position that in all likelihood would have barred my body from convulsing too much as to unblock the carteroids, but SI kicked in at the last second. I haven't been able to properly block my carteroids ever since. Still got the noose, chair, and rope for my legs lying in my wardrobe for my next attempt.

 

[Unattainable666]

Yes and I am so ready to leave

 

[cold_severance]

yes, i just need the final push, because my current si is not enough. i wish someone would order me to or ar least suggest the means to commit to cbt. spending my life with the notion that i dont deserve anything i want even death is such fucking bullshit.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Yes, Idk why I'm still here. I hate it.

 

[rozeske]

Yup, all done and ready. All there is left to do is put my head through the noose.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have had SN for over three years kept stored in a safe place (don't ask me where I got mine or if you can have some: the seller I got it from is already gone and you can't have any of mine). Unfortunately lots of stuff has gotten in the way of me actually CTB'ing. When I first bought it in November of 2020 I wanted to at least see which characters were remaining to be added into Smash Ultimate (Sora was pretty hype lol). I also wanted to see how Jurassic World Dominion was (not great) but after that, my plans to die in 2022 were blocked for several reasons one of which being my other grandfather dying which made me decide I didn't want my mother to lose both her father and son in the same year. I spent 2023 procrastinating my suicide even further, only occasionally dipping into the notes and drafts I had to plan as well as doing some research on other stuff to prepare before I die.

Long ago I promised myself I would absolutely CTB for sure if I turn 30 and I'm still a loser incel kissless virgin with no gf and no chance of getting married or else I'd turn into my dad. Well there are less than 20 days left now until that happens and I'm still nowhere near even getting a gf or even planning my CTB. I tried to lock in my CTB plans last week but my delusions from the other plan to not CTB by finding romantic love have been getting in the way and now these two conflicting ideals are fighting a big kaiju war in my head and I fear that this will only serve to delay my CTB further.

Thankfully I have a Plan C that is not ideal and might take too long but at the end of the day, I can hope that letting my type 2 diabetes go untreated will kill me somehow or at least leave me in a state where medically assisted dying becomes acceptable in most peoples' eyes by that point in the future.