I have just ordered my SM. I keep seeing my families faces when they get the news. It's killing me. They don't deserve it, but I really have to go and the choice has been made. How are you dealing with that? Its going to be 15 days before my SM arrives.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I deal with it knowing that I'm not doing anything to my family. But they shunned me long ago for demanding they take responsibility for their abuse. Recognizing that helped me stop taking responsibility for their feelings, thoughts and actions, part of their MO. However they feel, whatever they believe, has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. I can freely do whatever I want without worry of how it will impact them. They never like anything I do unless it reinforces their perceived right to control me.
Ness
They/Them pronouns, please
- Aug 28, 2019
- 248
Personally, I try desperately to not think about it because I've always had the issue of caring too much and I need to think about myself for a change. I don't know if avoiding the issue is the answer for you, though.
I plan to leave a note letting everyone know that it wasn't their fault and that there wasn't anything they could've done to "fix" me. I'm hoping that'll help ease their guilt.
I put myself in their shoes as if one of them killed themselves and I don't think a note would make it any easier for me. I'm not sure if I should just endure for their benefit knowing that at least I'm doing something to make someone else a little happier or whether I should just CTB and forget about it. Anyways, the responses helped. Thanks for responding.
NeverHungry
To eat or not to eat...
- Jan 30, 2020
- 72
It's an extremely difficult thing to think about, I completely understand. My death will break some close family members... It's why I try not to think about it. But I just can't go on living like this. I hope you are able to find peace, regardless of your decision.
They deserve this about as much as we do, so generally not. That doesnt change what we are going through. Wanting to die is the lowest emotional point one can be in life. It is complete hopelessness. Ive seen so many in this group cling to this world to spare other pain, but really how long can any of us go on without the drives and passions that people live for? And if we do go on living only for others what level of happiness of quality of life can we really have?
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
When the pain is greater than your worry for your family it's time, and that thought won't even be in your head. 
Throwmyselfaway
Not gone yet but soon
- Jan 14, 2020
- 798
I try not to think about what it will do to others because ultimately they do not know what is in my head and how messed up I discovered I am. It's difficult but in the long wrong I will leave a simple note "my choice, no one else's fault."
TheEndof
It's getting dark and it's getting cold
- Dec 31, 2019
- 146
Yeah, I'm in the boat where I don't think a note would help ease the pain and guilt. It might be therapeutic for me, but it doesn't really matter in the end. They definitely don't deserve the pain but neither do I. Some of them contributed to it. I've come to terms with the devastation I'm about to cause. I'll be dead anyway. What will I care? I know it's shitty of me, but no one seems to care much now and I'm very alive.
AlreadyGone
Taking it day by day
- Jan 11, 2020
- 917
I can't stay alive and suffer to make my family happy. I need to do what is best for myself.
Sadddd
How did I end up here
- Jan 26, 2020
- 57
this is a question that is really eating me atm. no blame on my family or gf, just can't keep on going. not sure if a long letter after the fact is better or worse for them, tough enough leaving a note for life admin so they aren't burdened
this is a nice approach i think. sorry that you seem to be discovering the sames things i am. thank you for sharing this as i found it useful
LiliththeGrey
New Member
- Jan 30, 2020
- 1
My fiancé CTB NYE 2016
He fully hung himself (full suspension I think it's called) and broke his neck. His mother and I found him and I had to take him down. I tried to save him but it wouldn't have done any good (obviously) Before we got together he tried to CTB twice, although he never disclosed the method and back then I didn't ask because I thought it would be rude (at the time).
Honestly, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, and I've been through a metric shit ton of abuse (physical, emotional and sexual), from multiple people. Since then, I've been on quite the journey, and that journey brought me here.
I have to say, I am finally aware that he was suffering and he did this not to hurt me or anyone else but to stop this suffering. He had chronic health problems, and when he found out he had a daughter, it was just too much. The mother didn't make it any easier on him.
Ironically enough, everyone blamed me for his suicide except his mother. His friends, his daughters mom, all the rest of his family. I think that made it even more devastating for me, and it made me even more suicidal than I was. Like I said, because of previous abuse, I was (and still am, compounded by the traumatic experience of having to find him) dealing with CPTSD (speculating this, I have an appointment in two days with a EMDR specialist, fingers crossed) and wasn't at all dealing well with that anyway.
As someone on the other end of this situation I can only tell you this: the effect on your family and friends is nothing you can fully prevent. He never left a note. It was impulsive. All I got was a text saying "tell my mom is wasn't her fault". Never saying it wasn't mine, and even though I didn't directly hang him myself, I still completely blame myself for being the catalyst that made him act impulsively. I can't express this to anyone as they all have the same rhetoric, "suicide is no ones fault but the person who did it" but I know that there are many factors leading up to it and I can't stop myself from blaming myself. That day, I wasn't exactly the greatest person to him. A detailed note would have been very helpful in understanding. Maybe knowing that I couldn't have helped him or maybe even knowing specifically what I did to contribute to it. I don't know. I'm having a bad mental health day, and this forum is truly something else. Reading about others reasoning and their stories is actually helping me while not helping because I know that I cannot absolve myself of my guilt because I am guilty of contributing to it, but I also couldn't have stopped it because if he was so determined, he would have done it regardless, eventually. I was so fucking angry with him, everyone around me and I was mad when people called him a coward. No one who does that is a coward as it takes the biggest balls of them all, imo. I can't be mad at him anymore though. It's surreal, seeing this other perspective is enlightening, for current lack of a better word. I am in no way trying to change your mind on your decision. Just offering my perspective.
I sincerely hope that whatever you decide to do, it brings you peace, and if you leave a note, I hope that it helps your family heal from it. I wish we would have gotten one.
He fully hung himself (full suspension I think it's called) and broke his neck. His mother and I found him and I had to take him down. I tried to save him but it wouldn't have done any good (obviously) Before we got together he tried to CTB twice, although he never disclosed the method and back then I didn't ask because I thought it would be rude (at the time).
Honestly, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, and I've been through a metric shit ton of abuse (physical, emotional and sexual), from multiple people. Since then, I've been on quite the journey, and that journey brought me here.
I have to say, I am finally aware that he was suffering and he did this not to hurt me or anyone else but to stop this suffering. He had chronic health problems, and when he found out he had a daughter, it was just too much. The mother didn't make it any easier on him.
Ironically enough, everyone blamed me for his suicide except his mother. His friends, his daughters mom, all the rest of his family. I think that made it even more devastating for me, and it made me even more suicidal than I was. Like I said, because of previous abuse, I was (and still am, compounded by the traumatic experience of having to find him) dealing with CPTSD (speculating this, I have an appointment in two days with a EMDR specialist, fingers crossed) and wasn't at all dealing well with that anyway.
As someone on the other end of this situation I can only tell you this: the effect on your family and friends is nothing you can fully prevent. He never left a note. It was impulsive. All I got was a text saying "tell my mom is wasn't her fault". Never saying it wasn't mine, and even though I didn't directly hang him myself, I still completely blame myself for being the catalyst that made him act impulsively. I can't express this to anyone as they all have the same rhetoric, "suicide is no ones fault but the person who did it" but I know that there are many factors leading up to it and I can't stop myself from blaming myself. That day, I wasn't exactly the greatest person to him. A detailed note would have been very helpful in understanding. Maybe knowing that I couldn't have helped him or maybe even knowing specifically what I did to contribute to it. I don't know. I'm having a bad mental health day, and this forum is truly something else. Reading about others reasoning and their stories is actually helping me while not helping because I know that I cannot absolve myself of my guilt because I am guilty of contributing to it, but I also couldn't have stopped it because if he was so determined, he would have done it regardless, eventually. I was so fucking angry with him, everyone around me and I was mad when people called him a coward. No one who does that is a coward as it takes the biggest balls of them all, imo. I can't be mad at him anymore though. It's surreal, seeing this other perspective is enlightening, for current lack of a better word. I am in no way trying to change your mind on your decision. Just offering my perspective.
I sincerely hope that whatever you decide to do, it brings you peace, and if you leave a note, I hope that it helps your family heal from it. I wish we would have gotten one.
Chalken
Decaying
- Nov 20, 2018
- 214
I think about this too. I am aware of the pain I would cause my family, but there's no avoiding it. I don't think even leaving a note would minimize the pain. It just might help them understand why I did it. Though they will probably blame themselves anyways. Damn, I hate thinking about things like this.
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