Discussion Does knowing you will CTB ever motivate you to live better?

[Hecuba]

Hey! I am wondering if this is a (somewhat) common experience:

I have no power over the one aspect of my life that I find to be the most, and perhaps only, meaningful part of who I am and what I aspire for. Currently, the odds are evenly divided between the best and worst possible outcomes. The perspective of suffering has made me dysfunctional for a long time, and has steadily turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, the more I become comfortable with and determined on CTB'ing if things go in that direction, the more at ease I feel living right now. It makes me fight with dignity for myself, take care of myself, and try to live as well as I can now, knowing that I don't have to fear that suffering, that although I have very little power in that meaningful aspect of my life, I have power over my life as a whole. In short, being set on CTB'ing if it gets to that has improved my life and self-worth in so many ways. I feel whole and more independent, I have power over my emotions, and I don't obsess over the future. It feels calm and safe, because what lies ahead is either happiness or death, which makes me fight for the happiness all the more while feeling secured from suffering that might be outside of my control. The only major downside is that I always choose to be as honest and direct as possible, and trying to talk to people in my life about this has resulted in losing most of those people because they either couldn't handle it or couldn't respect my decision without feeling like I need to understand that "there is something wrong" with me. Although thinking that there is something wrong with my outlook on my situation has made me miserable for a long time until I accepted CTB as a pragmatically reasonable possibility.

Please share thoughts and any similar experiences!

 

[motel rooms]

However, the more I become comfortable with and determined on CTB'ing if things go in that direction, the more at ease I feel living right now. It makes me fight with dignity for myself, take care of myself, and try to live as well as I can now, knowing that I don't have to fear that suffering, that although I have very little power in that meaningful aspect of my life, I have power over my life as a whole. In short, being set on CTB'ing if it gets to that has improved my life and self-worth in so many ways. I feel whole and more independent, I have power over my emotions, and I don't obsess over the future. It feels calm and safe, because what lies ahead is either happiness or death, which makes me fight for the happiness all the more while feeling secured from suffering that might be outside of my control.

Cool. You're very lucky, I haven't read many posts of this type.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

Accepting that part of me want CTB gives me so much power and control over my life. Acceptance of death literally helped me recover in longer perspective. I think that three main reasons pushing us to CTB 1.lack of connection to other people (gaining relationship especially, lack of emotionall and sexual fulfilment i called it Freud reason) 2. Health and mental health problems bounded with constant pain i called it fear of suffering reason. 3. Unhealthy patterns in our family environment like abuse physically or mentally that causing trauma in adult life and leave us without instructions how to live in relations with other properly (disfunctional family environment reason). Knowing that I CTB motivate me to overcome these reasons. I have only two paths in my live to become my own legend to overcome these three reasons or to CTB. This free me from my boundries. I talked with people without fear. I'm not afraid of any god or doctrine. If i like a girl i can approach her and start talk with here without a problem because i know that i will be dead at some point so let's talk with this hot girl way not. That's how i met my girlfriend. I taking more risks in every part of my life. I just want gain as much expieriences as I can. I start to help people just by listening to them and giving them small acts of good, understanding. Sometimes time is the most preacious thing we can offer to other human being and as suicidal person i understand this probably better than ''normal'' part of society. I have change many life for better this year was crazy i literally saved two lifes for sure before i join Ss. So yes knowing that your life will end is huge motivation i have this too.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Yeah, I mean It does not make me live better in any way people think usually.
I feel like I just have end in sight and It makes me calmer. I also drop any expectations from my life that way. No need to find relationship or stable job. If I can die peacefully at the end that is all that matters.

 

[motel rooms]

No, knowing that I will eventually kill myself doesn't give me the strength to #LiveMyBestLife (#) because death hasn't solved any of my problems yet, but more power to everyone who has it in them to pull off that maneuver.

 

[ExitiumVitae]

I used to be in your position. I used to constantly fight for the improvement of myself and my life with constant optimism knowing I can exit at any time, like when I pass the threshold of suffering. When I decided to exit, I discovered that ctb isn't as easy as I thought. So I'm stuck here, making life decisions as if this day is my last. The complete opposite of making decisions for the sake of future-me like I used to.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

Occasionally. I feel somewhat trapped though. I think I will have my method sorted soon, but I can't help but feel an immense sense of guilt for the upset I know I will cause when I leave. I don't have many close friends anymore, but I do have a partner, and some family left, and I feel very torn about what to do.

I've always had moments of depression in my life, but they used to come and go and I felt that on the whole I knew how to get myself out of that negative spiral. For the past few years I've had various pains in my body that I've been unable to explain. Initially I felt like it was something I could solve, but i've been told by various doctors that perhaps it's something I just need to live with. I'm pretty certain that I'll never find an official diagnosis, and I've heard all the things... Fibromyalgia, depression, psychosomatic, IBS etc.

I remember one pain specialist basically telling me that I shouldn't keep pursuing it, because it was probably making it worse. It's hard to stop yourself when you feel so deep down in your heart that something is wrong, but I do understand his point of view. I've had so many tests and investigations, what else can they do?

It's been such a slog, and I hate myself for letting my health consume my life when it appears that I am by all accounts a healthy human being. I remember before I started to get this particular pain, I just never went to the doctors. I used to bumble along, live my life, kick back and have fun (mostly!). But this time it's different, and I can't break out of wanting to know what is wrong with me.

I don't blame the doctors. I know it must be hard to diagnose a problem when it doesn't fit into the standard lines of investigation. In all honesty I think I brought on these pains through lifestyle choices in my 20s, but I just wish someone could give me something to work with. I get blank stares and shrugs.. and then I give blank stares and shrugs back.

I don't like to go on about it to people around me, so I try my hardest to be strong and live my best life but it's exhausting as hell trying to pretend you are okay when you really aren't. My mind wanders and I feel like I just want to switch off life, because feeling good is a feeling that seems to have disappeared.

I've tried being mindful. I've tried meditation, yoga, exercise, healthy eating.. all of it... I get brief moments where I feel like things are a little better, but it doesn't solve my pains, and the the negative cycle continues. The irony is since I began to get this unexplained pain in my body, i've probably become the healthiest I've ever been in terms of active exercise and healthy eating.

I suppose that's why I feel so disheartened, because whatever I do doesn't make me feel good anymore.

Alas.. i'm on a rant, and I still don't know what to do

 

[orange]

Although that isn't my experience at all you made it very easy to understand your point of view, you are very good at words and I wanted to point that out.

I imagine I'll have a similar experience once I get my SN, in the sense that I'll feel relief knowing I can finally take control over my future and end my suffering at any given moment. It doesn't make me any less dysfunctional right now though

 

[maakies]

I really like all these perspectives. I make a lot of my decisions based on the fact that I'm probably going to CTB anyway, so what does it matter. Sometimes life will become about how I am trying to be a better person. More organized, kind, what have you. Other times it will be about how I am trying to make one good thing or memorable project before I CTB. Mostly, it's about how I cannot get out of bed unless someone - namely my partner - demands me to do so. It is tough. I think I will CTB without creating anything that has given my life any meaning. That's fine by me. Unfortunately, the result of having avoidant family.

I'm diagnosed bipolar II. My depression is more significant than my mania. I live my life buying tickets to exciting places or events and don't really save money because I don't believe I have a future. I believe in the future I will be dead, and I will have no children. Experiences matter to me more than my future. It is a depressing way to live. Seeing my successful friends I get feelings of inadequacy but I try to keep that down inside me. My brain feels smooth and my attention easily wavers. I used to attempt selflessness but now I can't be bothered.

 

[FogFilledLife]

The opposite for me.

 

[HelloAllYouPeople]

I didnt get any improvement but I'm a bit more carefree and happy now its great. I've tried out a lot of things in the past months and I cant wait to try more.
Also helped with my breakdowns, it feels amazing to not feel trapped anymore.

 

[TiredTurtle]

Sometimes it allows me to relax for long enough to have a moment of fun

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Shit, I just realized that six of the names are crossed out. Rest in peace.