Venting Does it ever really get better?

[TeenIdle]

I've been depressed since 13 due to identity crisis because I'm mixed race and I started to feel that I didn't fit in, didn't belong anywhere. I've also developed avoidant personality disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, ocd... I've been suicidal ever since I was 13. When I was 19 I had one more suicide attempt, but it didn't work out, so I was desperately crying without knowing what else to do so I started treatment and going to the psychiatrist. I've been on several antidepressants, also a psychologist who I visitted once a month because mental health sucks in this country and didn't help thus it made me lose faith on psychology.

Though I haven't had it easy and had to leave college because I couldn't focus due to my depression and therefore losing the scholarship, I managed to study other thing and got a job. But it's still the same, now at 23 my avoidant personality disorder keeps ruining my life like in high school, I changed jobs a couple of months ago and I had a hard time the first days. I had headaches, tachycardias and felt like a was gonna burst.

I can't interact/start talking with people because I block, I keep quiet because I don't know what to say and I get anxious. And I'm also an introvert which makes it harder because talking with most people mentally exhausts me and ends up boring me... So I eat alone and I keep feeling anxious and awkward at work and avoiding people. I hate living like this, I feel like quitting this job and staying at home, I feel more and more pressure from people, work and the world the older I get and because of this disorder it's too much for me and it overwhelms me. I can't live another 23 years like this, I'm tired and depressed and just wanna ctb, I'm not designed to live in this society.

When does it get better? Has someone with AvPD overcome it or at least live a decent life?

 

[Final Escape]

First of all, u have to get over being mixed race. Yea it might present some challenges but people who like u will like u regardless. There is a tribe out there. You must take up an attitude of not giving a fuck what other people think of u. You were meant to be here and life is hard. Life is suffering and tragic. It is for everyone no matter how perfect things look on the outside. Antidepressants and stuff might make things worse. I honestly would stay away from psychiatry because they have prescribed me stuff that made me suicidal and also one that made me gain a bunch of weight. They also prescribed speed like Adderall lol! It is a dangerous drug I don't care what anybody says it's too much like meth. You might need to approach your mental health issues in a different way. I would look for alternatives. Get on YouTube and find people who give different perspectives to how u can manage your issues. I had all that stuff u mention too when young. A lot of it. I thought I was going insane. It had a lot to do with not feeling comfortable in my skin and having suffered child abuse and neglect.