Does being abused as a child ruin the chances of having a successful relationship with a woman?

[Kramer]

I think it does. I don't look weak, I don't think, but I know I am on the inside. I'm timid and often afraid of people and situations. I don't know that a woman would like that at all. Maybe it's for the best that I've never been in a relationship. A failed serious relationship would hurt me a lot.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I don't think so, personally. One of my best friends has been abused his whole life, and he's a rather anxious person. He is also afraid of people and situations. But to me, it doesn't matter. He's more than his abuse and anxiety, whether he recognizes that for himself or not. A really great, understanding guy. I think whoever he ends up with will be very lucky. :)

I guess what I'm saying is, someone who loves you won't be overly concerned with you and your past. They'll want to walk through life with you anyway and support you with your past, current anxieties, whatever.

I hope that doesn't sound fluffy or romanticize anything. I'm not saying the hypothetical relationship won't have its struggles and challenges. Just giving my point of view.

 

[DJJE]

Unfortunately, yes.

Women bang on about toxic masculinity, but if you show any weakness they run a mile.

This will get a response from a load of women saying they aren't like that.... but if you go through their dating record, I guarantee they are, with the only exception of those that are codependent.

 

[bov]

@needforrelief Ignore resident woman-expert DJJE here. Be brave and take the risk.

 

[Ghost2211]

No, I don't think it does. I think you just need to find somebody that has enough patience and understanding to be caring and loving. There really are still good people in the world.

 

[Kramer]

Unfortunately, yes.

Women bang on about toxic masculinity, but if you show any weakness they run a mile.

This will get a response from a load of women saying they aren't like that.... but if you go through their dating record, I guarantee they are, with the only exception of those that are codependent.

What would be a minor weakness that still wouldn't be tolerated by most women?

No, I don't think it does. I think you just need to find somebody that has enough patience and understanding to be caring and loving. There really are still good people in the world.

Not among millennials or gen z in my experience. You're speaking of unicorns.

 

[bov]

How old are you?

 

[Kramer]

How old are you?

Early 30s

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I guess being timid and shy for any reason could certainly make it more difficult. Some days it seems like women only want confident men and men only want submissive women. Submissive/passive men actually can want confident women and yet confident women seem to want even more confident men. It happens. Every rule has exceptions though. Some women do like what's called a "fixer-upper" but this usually means men with obvious misplaced confidence instead of men with zero confidence.

If anything though, showing that you've come out mostly on top of abuse and trauma can be even more attractive to women than if you hadn't experienced it at all because it makes you look even stronger. It's up to the individual to decide if they can work through that trauma though whether that's by getting the help they need or by accepting it or whatever.

 

[Kramer]

I guess being timid and shy for any reason could certainly make it more difficult. Some days it seems like women only want confident men and men only want submissive women. Submissive/passive men actually can want confident women and yet confident women seem to want even more confident men. It happens. Every rule has exceptions though. Some women do like what's called a "fixer-upper" but this usually means men with obvious misplaced confidence instead of men with zero confidence.

If anything though, showing that you've come out mostly on top of abuse and trauma can be even more attractive to women than if you hadn't experienced it at all because it makes you look even stronger. It's up to the individual to decide if they can work through that trauma though whether that's by getting the help they need or by accepting it or whatever.

I knew a girl a decade ago I could've been with. I told her I was weak (long after we met). She kept repeating back that no I was strong. She told me she wanted kids. I said no, and she just about cried. It was the strangest thing.

 

[bov]

I knew a girl a decade ago I could've been with. I told her I was weak (long after we met). She kept repeating back that no I was strong. She told me she wanted kids. I said no, and she just about cried. It was the strangest thing.

Why is that so strange? Could it be possible that her reaction had nothing to do with any character flaws she saw in you, and everything to do with the fact that she just wanted kids?

 

[Kramer]

Why is that so strange? Could it be possible that her reaction had nothing to do with any character flaws she saw in you, and everything to do with the fact that she just wanted kids?

Strange that someone like her would want kids with me

 

[Kat!]

Depends, in my case yes.
I can't stand being around women at all it's bad.

 

[Kramer]

Depends, in my case yes.
I can't stand being around women at all it's bad.

Because you were abused by a woman?

 

[Kat!]

Because you were abused by a woman?

Both my mom and my dad but my mom was way more personal with it.

 

[Weather]

This thread seemed to shift to whether one can get a woman or not. That seems like a simplistic way of looking at it. Yes, there are women that will be interested in a man despite being a trauma/abuse survivor. There are many different women, with many different capacities for uncertainty, caring, empathy, etc. Women are not homogeneous.

The better question, perhaps, is whether one that has suffered childhood abuse is able to trust enough to have a successful relationship, regardless of gender. For some the answer is yes, for others no. But, if it is something you want, it might be something important to work on. I've always tried to approach relationships from the perspective of what I can give verses what I can get. I think that's helped me. I don't know if it could help you to approach it from that direction or not, but it might be something to think about. It helps to get me out of my head.

 

[Kramer]

This thread seemed to shift to whether one can get a woman or not. That seems like a simplistic way of looking at it. Yes, there are women that will be interested in a man despite being a trauma/abuse survivor. There are many different women, with many different capacities for uncertainty, caring, empathy, etc. Women are not homogeneous.

The better question, perhaps, is whether one that has suffered childhood abuse is able to trust enough to have a successful relationship, regardless of gender. For some the answer is yes, for others no. But, if it is something you want, it might be something important to work on. I've always tried to approach relationships from the perspective of what I can give verses what I can get. I think that's helped me. I don't know if it could help you to approach it from that direction or not, but it might be something to think about. It helps to get me out of my head.

Last summer I was talking to a girl on tinder which hasn't happened in years. She went on vacation and showed me clips and pics of her while on her trip. I noticed in one clip a guy eyeing her the whole time. I immediately realized that I couldn't trust her, and this is someone I hadn't even met yet.

 

[bov]

So you can only trust a woman other men aren't attracted to? Or you want a conventionally attractive woman, and you want her to be aware of others' attraction and somehow magically shut it down for you?

 

[Kramer]

So you can only trust a woman other men aren't attracted to? Or you want a conventionally attractive woman, and you want her to be aware of others' attraction and somehow magically shut it down for you?

I would shut down the attraction of other women if I was in a relationship.

 

[Nymph]

Unfortunately, yes.

Women bang on about toxic masculinity, but if you show any weakness they run a mile.

This will get a response from a load of women saying they aren't like that.... but if you go through their dating record, I guarantee they are, with the only exception of those that are codependent.

You really just talked about the entirety of "woman"
You can't put all woman in one category. Some woman do like timid shy men. Some share the same experiences and stuff. You can't just talk about the entirety of a gender lmao

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I am a woman with childhood trauma and I have always been more attracted to men who do not have the typical masculine qualities, those who have a gentle, soft, almost feminine aura about them. Basically, I like pretty boys.

My bf had very low self esteem when I met him and will always be quiet and soft spoken due to his Autism, he has a very unconventional aesthetic, and that is what I love. So no, not every woman will be put off a man who has trauma and problems, I tend to trust others more who have been in similar situations as they seen to be empathetic towards my plight.

The problem I often see is guys going after women who they just aren't compatible with. You should search out interest groups, if you're into games or anime or cult classic films or whatnot, you will find more unconventional girls in those communities. I met my bf online and did not use tinder or any of those apps full of superficiality and grandstanding.

Only downside is you'll probably end up meeting people who live a distance away from you

 

[Nutshell]

As someone whom was abused themselves as a child this would not bother me. If anything I may be more drawn to people with relatable backgrounds. I wish I could write a more detailed response however I've just woke up from an intense dreamy sleep and I'm all floopidy.

 

[262653]

I would shut down the attraction of other women if I was in a relationship.

I wonder if a man who is in a relationship becomes more attractive to women (on average) because that man was verified (positively assessed as relationship material) by another woman.

 

[drwt]

It does, yes. Any kind of abuse during your childhood gives you trauma, sometimes it can be really minor things too but they can interrupt your development and give you a disorder. Are you in therapy? If not then you should. Finding someone who'd be right for you if you're having problems could be really, really tricky.

 

[Kramer]

I wonder if a man who is in a relationship becomes more attractive to women (on average) because that man was verified (positively assessed as relationship material) by another woman.

That's what happens actually. It's why women want a guy with friends. If he doesn't have friends, then clearly something is wrong with him

It does, yes. Any kind of abuse during your childhood gives you trauma, sometimes it can be really minor things too but they can interrupt your development and give you a disorder. Are you in therapy? If not then you should. Finding someone who'd be right for you if you're having problems could be really, really tricky.

I've been in therapy most of my life. Hasn't helped

 

[Nutshell]

That's what happens actually. It's why women want a guy with friends. If he doesn't have friends, then clearly something is wrong with him

I've been in therapy most of my life. Hasn't helped

In general terms you are prob right but there are people who understand too. I've not accumulated many friends over the years due to my own illness and issues holding me back and I have had a couple of partners who are of a similar vein, so it is possible just not as common. Finding the right people is difficult.

 

[Kramer]

In general terms you are prob right but there are people who understand too. I've not accumulated many friends over the years due to my own illness and issues holding me back and I have had a couple of partners who are of a similar vein, so it is possible just not as common. Finding the right people is difficult.

I don't know how to meet them. I met one. Well I walked by her after a psych appointment in the hallway. She was crying. I think she suffered like I do. She looked like a regular person without mental issues which surprised me.

 

[Nutshell]

I don't know how to meet them. I met one. Well I walked by her after a psych appointment in the hallway. She was crying. I think she suffered like I do. She looked like a regular person without mental issues which surprised me.

I know what you mean, i used to think mental illness was quite rare and over the last few years I have come to realise that it is tragically common, so common that all sorts of people suffer in different ways, internally and some people are very good at masking it. I used to find it easier to pretend but not so these days. Go careful though as although it can be good entering relationships with people who relate and suffer mental illness it can be difficult and damaging for both parties to maintain especially if you aren't coping. (Speaking from experience).

 

[drwt]

I know what you mean, i used to think mental illness was quite rare and over the last few years I have come to realise that it is tragically common, so common that all sorts of people suffer in different ways, internally and some people are very good at masking it. I used to find it easier to pretend but not so these days. Go careful though as although it can be good entering relationships with people who relate and suffer mental illness it can be difficult and damaging for both parties to maintain especially if you aren't coping. (Speaking from experience).

It almost never works out. Heck, even relationships between normal people almost never work out. If two damaged ones come together they most likely will only enable each other and make it worse. The outcomes can be catastrophic (speaking from experience myself)
But that doesn't mean you should give up. Just try to not go for people with problems would be my advice, even if it's really tempting.

(Nice avatar btw )

 

[Kramer]

It almost never works out. Heck, even relationships between normal people almost never work out. If two damaged ones come together they most likely will only enable each other and make it worse. The outcomes can be catastrophic (speaking from experience myself)
But that doesn't mean you should give up. Just try to not go for people with problems would be my advice, even if it's really tempting.

(Nice avatar btw )

How is it catastrophic?