I'm looking for peiple that can relate to me because I don't have anyone like that in my life and it is a really great need I have. Does anyone else feel so terrified of life that they want to commit suicide? I hate myself and my body so horribly that I feel like a slave if I am expected to continue living as who I am. I also feel so extremely isolated and abused by my family who I have a Stockholm syndrome while I crave closeness and support. But I have huge attachment and abandonment issues and I am torn everytime someone is close to me because I want them to help me but they hurt me everytime they disapprove of me or leave me alone. It's like drowning in the ocean and someone picks you out just to throw you back in.
My life feels so horribly unsafe and I want to plan my suicide because without thay plan I am going crazy in my mind. I need a suicide plan to feel safe in life and then maybe move out of this hole. But right now nothing feels safe to me, not people, not my disgusting body. I don't want any of it. I so want to die but carrying something like that out in my state is really really hard. And daydreaming about how I will kill myself doesn't help me anymore because I know I can't just kill myself because it's not easy, I tried, I can't just do it because of the physical pain. That is why I need an actual peaceful suicide plan, the kind that I will believe is possible. So I know I have a way out for sure. Because every moment of awareness of my life feels completely unsafe.
I cope by smoking mj and by cutting and beating up my body. I feel good when my body feels starved and sore. My brain is so horribly wired that I can't feel safe without an actual suicide plan. I fear I won't be able to do that and I will stay stuck here for at least 50 extra years and I can't do that. I cannot imagine the torture. And I am exhausted from explaining how I feel and everyone treating me like something is wrong with me. My mind is paranoid and psychotic because I am so stuck in this life. And it's hard to make realistic plans like this. But I need to make this one real.
I hope anyone can understand or relate. I feel so broken
My life feels so horribly unsafe and I want to plan my suicide because without thay plan I am going crazy in my mind. I need a suicide plan to feel safe in life and then maybe move out of this hole. But right now nothing feels safe to me, not people, not my disgusting body. I don't want any of it. I so want to die but carrying something like that out in my state is really really hard. And daydreaming about how I will kill myself doesn't help me anymore because I know I can't just kill myself because it's not easy, I tried, I can't just do it because of the physical pain. That is why I need an actual peaceful suicide plan, the kind that I will believe is possible. So I know I have a way out for sure. Because every moment of awareness of my life feels completely unsafe.
I cope by smoking mj and by cutting and beating up my body. I feel good when my body feels starved and sore. My brain is so horribly wired that I can't feel safe without an actual suicide plan. I fear I won't be able to do that and I will stay stuck here for at least 50 extra years and I can't do that. I cannot imagine the torture. And I am exhausted from explaining how I feel and everyone treating me like something is wrong with me. My mind is paranoid and psychotic because I am so stuck in this life. And it's hard to make realistic plans like this. But I need to make this one real.
I hope anyone can understand or relate. I feel so broken
