Does anyone want to ctb but still have sliver of hope that it will get better?

[XSmas]

My dream is to be able to live in japan. But i haven't been able to achieve it until now. I can't even graduate from my university this year. This failure makes me want to ctb. I'm just tired of trying hard all these years, but still can't reach my dreams. But in my mind, i always think that there is still a little chance that i would succeed if i just keep going. And this makes me frustrated, should i keep going or just rest forever.

Do you guys have similar experience?

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

Honestly I have similar feelings, I am on the verge of CTBing because I can't live anymore its too painfull for me at this point, but still I would like to go to a university sometime, I want to create an art piece, write a novel sometime and visit Japan at least once to see how it feels there, and then leave this world in peace knowing I did what I wanted.

It just makes me more confused and lost on what to do with this life, I know I have chosen to CTB eventually but don't know if I should chase those things first which might cause me to suffer even more.

If you want to talk, I am always free to talk and offer my support to you.

 

[Some place nice]

I have the same feelings. I day dream about it not working and texting him. Than he buys me a plane ticket so I can escape my situation. But that's a crazy dream that wont come true. He doesn't even like me the way I like him.

 

[Nlis2244]

I did have it until earlier this year, but now it's all gone.

 

[loser098]

Yeah, but realistically it probably won't. Our bond is tainted as is the image of her in my mind. It can be very difficult to salvage a soured relationship. I think all I had to do was be normal…maybe then it could've worked. Seems she's moved on already.

I have this hope that soon we'll talk again and fix things and be mature about it. How I wish…

OP, I hope you reach Japan. I hope you forget about this place eventually and live out the rest of your life in relative happiness.

 

[exitplease]

Idea/suggestion: Don't ctb until after you make it to Japan! Perhaps you could make it a rule for yourself, and now focus entirely on saving up enough money to get there.

Last year I went travelling and was going to hang myself in the bush, but I had such magical, mind-blowingly amazing experiences on my travels, it reignited my desire to live and I lived happily for a while after that.

I'm back to that dark place but it was worth it; I wouldn't have changed a thing.

JAPAN IS WAITING FOR YOU.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Idea/suggestion: Don't ctb until after you make it to Japan! Perhaps you could make it a rule for yourself, and now focus entirely on saving up enough money to get there.

Make yourself a ulysses pact. I've made one for myself to ensure I don't impulsively ctb. I

I want it to be an aptly-considered decision and defining certain contextual parameters that need to be present in my life before making the decision is one way I've done this. One of them could be being in Japan for you :)

The thought of ctb/being without pain is rightfully intoxicating

 

[deadbody]

Yes, I have the same feelings, I have hopes and dreams, but I don't think everything will get better.

 

[XSmas]

Honestly I have similar feelings, I am on the verge of CTBing because I can't live anymore its too painfull for me at this point, but still I would like to go to a university sometime, I want to create an art piece, write a novel sometime and visit Japan at least once to see how it feels there, and then leave this world in peace knowing I did what I wanted.

It just makes me more confused and lost on what to do with this life, I know I have chosen to CTB eventually but don't know if I should chase those things first which might cause me to suffer even more.

If you want to talk, I am always free to talk and offer my support to you.

thanks for your kind gesture. I also hope you can achieve what you want to do before you leave this world

Yeah, but realistically it probably won't. Our bond is tainted as is the image of her in my mind. It can be very difficult to salvage a soured relationship. I think all I had to do was be normal…maybe then it could've worked. Seems she's moved on already.

I have this hope that soon we'll talk again and fix things and be mature about it. How I wish…

personally, i have never been in a relationsip before, so i can't relate to your pain, but i sincerely hope that it will get better for you, and you can move on in your life.

OP, I hope you reach Japan. I hope you forget about this place eventually and live out the rest of your life in relative happiness.

thank you. living in japan is my biggest dream since long time ago. it's like an utopia for me

 

[outrider567]

no sliver, no hope

 

[Jinxyxx]

I understand that feeling. I feel hopeless, hurt and beyond repair. Every day i think about ending it all. But i still have this slim glimmer of hope that maybe it will get better. There are still a few things in this life im gonna try. If i wont get better after it, ig im giving up.

 

[livinginhellnation]

hope is....win the powerball or get a heart attack in your sleep.

 

[plurkid]

My dream is to be able to live in japan. But i haven't been able to achieve it until now. I can't even graduate from my university this year. This failure makes me want to ctb. I'm just tired of trying hard all these years, but still can't reach my dreams. But in my mind, i always think that there is still a little chance that i would succeed if i just keep going. And this makes me frustrated, should i keep going or just rest forever.

Do you guys have similar experience?

I feel like I keep going back and fourth between hope and giving up, I keep getting pulled towards the darkness, I have the ability and the supports to fight it but there's a piece that thinks, knows, that it's all futile and will end the same way. I don't like this world, I don't like who we've become, I dont have faith that we can change. I feel exhausted. I'm tired and the dark door to oblivion sings such a beautiful song. But there has been slivers of hope and light and love, and I hold on to those. Eventually I'll make my choice, but I've got plenty of good memories left to make before I go. And I've got someone I want to spend my remaining time with.

We keep eachother company in these dark times and I won't let that go until we've exhausted all other options

 

[UKscotty]

I think you first have to define what it means to 'get better'.

Once someone has awoken to how pointless life truly is, it is extremely hard to go back to sleep.

If you mean better in the sense of being seemingly happy to be a good slave to the system, I suppose this is possible for some.

 

[ctvunny]

There are moments that I do hope something will miraculously fix my problems whenever I thought of which date Ill ctb, but it isnt like that. Being imcompetent and knowing that yet doesnt do something to make my life any better. Its just a whole pathetic situation for me and I cant get out of it. I also want to live in Japan haha