Venting Does anyone notice having feelings from a decade ago or more suddenly resurface and resume?

[PreussenBlueJay]

It's been 9 years since I last felt this way. I told myself over and over that I couldn't go before 30 and so managed to put these feelings on hold. They have returned again in the spring. It's like an overpowering sensation that I missed out on the best years of my life. I couldn't have been born into a better place and time, and I was ruined by anxiety and narcissism into hiding away from the only path to happiness available to me. The best times have come and gone and there is no way to reclaim the lost opportunities.

Does anyone else have feelings once thought gone forever just suddenly pick up again as though no time at all passed?

 

[motel rooms]

It's been 9 years since I last felt this way. I told myself over and over that I couldn't go before 30 and so managed to put these feelings on hold. They have returned again in the spring. It's like an overpowering sensation that I missed out on the best years of my life.

You managed to put the feeling that you missed out on the best years of your life on hold for 9 years? With or without meds &/or illegal drugs?

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

You managed to put the feeling that you missed out on the best years of your life on hold for 9 years? With or without meds &/or illegal drugs?

I've not messed with drugs or prescription meds much, only once each. I'm trying to rediscover how I ended up where I am now. It's like the past near decade happened and then the mental evolution disappeared and I'm back where I was with the empty future completely before me. There were good and bad times in between but that was mostly managed with the feelings of relief that issue from the certainty of approaching demise.

 

[motel rooms]

There were good and bad times in between but that was mostly managed with the feelings of relief that issue from the certainty of approaching demise.

In other words, it has finally hit you that it's actually incredibly hard to kill oneself. We console ourselves by fantasizing about suicide, but when push comes to shove, SI is just too powerful a force.

 

[Niko66]

I was mentally abused mainly between 7 to 19 years of age. i am 25 now, sometimes still deal with bullshit but very rarely because now I actually am mentally able to look out for myself, yet those insecurities from those times come back as strong as ever every time something triggers them. All the fears are still there with me. I haven't gotten over them and I can't imagine they would ever truly leave me.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

In other words, it has finally hit you that it's actually incredibly hard to kill oneself. We console ourselves by fantasizing about suicide, but when push comes to shove, SI is just too powerful a force.

I discovered in 2013 I had everything I needed to carry it through and then put it to the side and tried to live more free of care. For me those days were just the whining of a spoiled brat who didn't get his preferred presents for his birthday. I just missed what came earlier and wanted things to turn out better. This Monday was yet another realization that more things I enjoyed have slipped away from me in the intervening years, such as the passing of grandpa and his hilarious boot camp stories, or co-workers that made work feel like home having since moved on to better jobs.

It's difficult to get around to it but I feel closer lately. Next week I'll probably be back to participating in meaningless political arguments and laughing at cringe things I've done. It's nice being a provincial bumpkin.

I was mentally abused mainly between 7 to 19 years of age. i am 25 now, sometimes still deal with bullshit but very rarely because now I actually am mentally able to look out for myself, yet those insecurities from those times come back as strong as ever every time something triggers them. All the fears are still there with me. I haven't gotten over them and I can't imagine they would ever truly leave me.

You've had it so much worse than me but I think the idea is the same: Having good memories between the present and the time from which you want to escape seemingly disappear, making those days seem closer like they were only yesterday. For me I just wish I hadn't let my severe anxiety control my life, even though it does still today.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yes. Sometimes I still find myself pining over my first major crush even though it's been almost 18 years since we met and I only "got over" her about 8 years ago. It's disgusting and I wish I didn't have these feelings because she was never even interested in me.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

Yes. Sometimes I still find myself pining over my first major crush even though it's been almost 18 years since we met and I only "got over" her about 8 years ago. It's disgusting and I wish I didn't have these feelings because she was never even interested in me.

Last June I saw my old high school and was struck with nostalgia thinking about a girl who liked me in elementary. It wasn't until high school that I really came to regret pushing her away out of embarrassment. She was my first crush. I know that relationships don't usually work out at that age and people aren't who they are yet but I think I began to panic in my later teens about the impassable wall between me and others. I thought if I had just accepted even those juvenile feelings I would have developed into a more sympathetic person capable of connecting with others.

Did you tell that person everything? How did you gain that semblance of finality, if you don't mind my asking?

 

[whatevs]

I like to think that 'the best years of our life' aren't defined by an age range, but then they are obviously defined by our mental state, and nobody that has some posts in the forum has an enviable mental state so I guess you're right, these might have been your best years.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Last June I saw my old high school and was struck with nostalgia thinking about a girl who liked me in elementary. It wasn't until high school that I really came to regret pushing her away out of embarrassment. She was my first crush. I know that relationships don't usually work out at that age and people aren't who they are yet but I think I began to panic in my later teens about the impassable wall between me and others. I thought if I had just accepted even those juvenile feelings I would have developed into a more sympathetic person capable of connecting with others.

Did you tell that person everything? How did you gain that semblance of finality, if you don't mind my asking?

I had a breakdown at senior prom (which I went alone to) and that caused some of my friends to drag her to me, which was pretty embarrassing all things considered. She said she didn't like me like that but that things were okay between us. I took that as closure at the time (2012) but I still ended up not talking to her much after that because I could tell she was still uncomfortable around me. It wasn't until around 2013 that I sort of moved on.

My high school is permanently fucked because I can't think about it without thinking about how obsessed with her I was the whole time and to make matters worse, her family donated money to the school and now there is a brick with her name on it there on the ground. As if it were a monument to my ineptitude and failure.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

I had a breakdown at senior prom (which I went alone to) and that caused some of my friends to drag her to me, which was pretty embarrassing all things considered. She said she didn't like me like that but that things were okay between us. I took that as closure at the time (2012) but I still ended up not talking to her much after that because I could tell she was still uncomfortable around me. It wasn't until around 2013 that I sort of moved on.

My high school is permanently fucked because I can't think about it without thinking about how obsessed with her I was the whole time and to make matters worse, her family donated money to the school and now there is a brick with her name on it there on the ground. As if it were a monument to my ineptitude and failure.

Thank you. I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. It seems so familiar to me but it probably is so for millions. In my case there was bitterness and resentment for having to feel that way, but I think finally offloading everything directly to that person changed me fundamentally where I started to feel happy for them and not wanting them to be torn down. Who knows.

For a while after getting out of school I was happy it was over because I had done nothing but humiliate myself and hide away. Lately it's just unwanted happy memories that come to me and make me believe that it is close in time, perhaps next year, that I will live those days again.

I hope you can come to appreciate that brick. If not, then, at least it's on the ground and probably dirty.

I like to think that 'the best years of our life' aren't defined by an age range, but then they are obviously defined by our mental state, and nobody that has some posts in the forum has an enviable mental state so I guess you're right, these might have been your best years.

Oh they were. Aging sucks. I jumped up to hit a mosquito with my swatter and could only manage a hop, landed on my feet, lost my balance and fell. Gimme back my kid body.

 

[Heartaches]

I tend to replay traumatic events and awful situations from my life pretty often, so I get feelings with similar intensity to the ones I experienced for the first time. It's quite tiring and they hurt me a lot, I don't know if they'll ever leave me and that leaves me sorrowful.​