Does anyone know someone who ctb? How did it effect family and friends and for how long?

[John Smith]

This is part of my hesitation about ctb.

 

[Xerxes]

3 people I know have CTB, two of them had lots of friends and family members. They always have a memorial for him every year and talk about him often. He hanged himself in the closet. The other guy he hanged himself from a ceiling fan. His family is impartial and pretty much covered it up. I haven't heard much afterwards except his one friend that always remembers him on Facebook.

The 3rd person slit her neck and her family didn't care much afterwards. Some were ecstatic about her death since they were overly religious and she had gender identity issues. Cold people in this world.

 

[Wannadie]

My best friend did. It has completely destroyed me and it has completely destroyed her mother. Imo it's one of the most horrible things you can do to a loved one. You're ending the lifes of others as well.

 

[Sick Boy]

Every people and every family reacts different when a family member ctb,some families "get over it"and continue with their lives after a few months or years,and some families get devastated forever

 

[Egddios]

I thought about this recently, and I remembered a coach my brother had for little league one year. Mr. Castellone was his name, he hanged himself in his basement and one of his eldest daughters found him.

He was a great coach.

 

[Empty Smile]

I know 3, two friends and an uncle.

The first friend ended her life 2 years after losing her kids in a house fire. There was a lot of friends and family who were crushed.

The 2nd was like some of us, a throwaway. Very little family and friends. Met someone in NYC and did a suicide pact.

I don't remember my uncle's suicide since I was young. All I know is he hung himself.

 

[TiredHorse]

I have known many people who have ended their own lives --I think ten, at last count. The reactions of their families has varied wildly, and the situations of each suicide have been so different it's difficult to find patterns. I should also say that I have a weird, detached reaction to suicides ("well, yes, okay, everyone dies"), so what I perceive and what others are actually thinking may be quite different.

One of my close friends in high school hanged himself in the dorm, his freshman year, and his family was devastated.

My high school roommate jumped off the GG bridge a year after graduation. All of us our cadre were shocked, but not surprised; we knew he lived life without any filters in place and when something became too much, he couldn't take it. It troubled me for a little while --particularly imagining what it must have been like during his fall-- but only for a couple years. My understanding is that his family never really recovered.

On the other hand, my favorite aunt OD'ed on pentabarbitol (back when it was still a sleeping aid) on her wedding anniversary with her beloved husband, who had died several years earlier from lung cancer, and while we were all sad that she was gone, we understood.

Somewhere in the middle was my father-in-law, who shut himself in the family car with a barbecue. His life had fallen apart --he had PTSD, alcoholism, his marriage was failing, and his relationship with his kids was troubled-- and while his family was very upset, the acute phase passed surprisingly quickly: maybe a year? It always made my Beloved sad, but his life had been so destructive, to himself and to his family, especially my Beloved, that his death was unsurprising and she merely grew glum on the anniversaries of his death.

A close friend shot himself, completely unexpectedly, and while his wife, also a good friend, moved on eventually, I think she only did so well as she did because she had a very close knit group of friends who took care of her. I wasn't in town at the time, but those of our cadre who lived locally were pretty shook up by it.

Another friend shot himself a couple years ago, and we all, including his wife, were upset, but unsurprised. He was alcoholic, and had genuinely fucked up his life, so his suicide was completely unsurprising and felt like an entirely natural conclusion.

Honestly, the suicide that has affected me most deeply has been here on this site: BurningLights. That really rattled me. I have no idea how his family and friends are doing, but it still has me off balance, perhaps because I was so directly involved with his thoughts as he approached it.

 

[John Smith]

I have known many people who have ended their own lives --I think ten, at last count. The reactions of their families has varied wildly, and the situations of each suicide have been so different it's difficult to find patterns. I should also say that I have a weird, detached reaction to suicides ("well, yes, okay, everyone dies"), so what I perceive and what others are actually thinking may be quite different.

One of my close friends in high school hanged himself in the dorm, his freshman year, and his family was devastated.

My high school roommate jumped off the GG bridge a year after graduation. All of us our cadre were shocked, but not surprised; we knew he lived life without any filters in place and when something became too much, he couldn't take it. It troubled me for a little while --particularly imagining what it must have been like during his fall-- but only for a couple years. My understanding is that his family never really recovered.

On the other hand, my favorite aunt OD'ed on pentabarbitol (back when it was still a sleeping aid) on her wedding anniversary with her beloved husband, who had died several years earlier from lung cancer, and while we were all sad that she was gone, we understood.

Somewhere in the middle was my father-in-law, who shut himself in the family car with a barbecue. His life had fallen apart --he had PTSD, alcoholism, his marriage was failing, and his relationship with his kids was troubled-- and while his family was very upset, the acute phase passed surprisingly quickly: maybe a year? It always made my Beloved sad, but his life had been so destructive, to himself and to his family, especially my Beloved, that his death was unsurprising and she merely grew glum on the anniversaries of his death.

A close friend shot himself, completely unexpectedly, and while his wife, also a good friend, moved on eventually, I think she only did so well as she did because she had a very close knit group of friends who took care of her. I wasn't in town at the time, but those of our cadre who lived locally were pretty shook up by it.

Another friend shot himself a couple years ago, and we all, including his wife, were upset, but unsurprised. He was alcoholic, and had genuinely fucked up his life, so his suicide was completely unsurprising and felt like an entirely natural conclusion.

Honestly, the suicide that has affected me most deeply has been here on this site: BurningLights. That really rattled me. I have no idea how his family and friends are doing, but it still has me off balance, perhaps because I was so directly involved with his thoughts as he approached it.

I didn't know about BurningLights. Was that the guy with the picture of himself with a mohawk? That's really sad. Hopefully things are better on the other side or he reincarnates into a better life.

 

[Stillnotsure]

As someone who has seen a lot of death in this world, both friends and relatives, and through my job, perfect strangers; I can honestly say It doesn't matter how a person dies for the families to feel the exact same devastation and grief or to move on in a period of time. The real reason the family and friends of the deceased feel the way they do has to do more with the person dying before they wanted and what kind of relationship they had with the person. Everyone says a parent shouldn't have to bury a kid, or she/he died too young but for thousands of years people have been dying. It's a fact that we all will. In fact it was very common for our ancestors to have to bury their kids only 100 years ago. We are so sterilized from real death these days. For some reason our species puts so much emphasis on the death rather than the life of the person.

To prove that point look at roadside memorials. I have a friend who lost her lover and she has turned the exact spot his car landed into a memorial she visits and decorates for every holiday. Instead of remembering his life she is focused on the very instant he died and preserving that.

Don't worry that your friends and family will be sad if you go. Focus on making your time together better and give them happy things to remember you by. For those of you with poor relationships, deaths by any manner have the ability to rip apart families.

 

[sólstafir]

I didn't know about BurningLights. Was that the guy with the picture of himself with a mohawk? That's really sad. Hopefully things are better on the other side or he reincarnates into a better life.

Just to clarify, it wasn't himself on the picture, it was musician Joe Strummer.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

As someone who has seen a lot of death in this world, both friends and relatives, and through my job, perfect strangers; I can honestly say It doesn't matter how a person dies for the families to feel the exact same devastation and grief or to move on in a period of time. The real reason the family and friends of the deceased feel the way they do has to do more with the person dying before they wanted and what kind of relationship they had with the person. Everyone says a parent shouldn't have to bury a kid, or she/he died too young but for thousands of years people have been dying. It's a fact that we all will. In fact it was very common for our ancestors to have to bury their kids only 100 years ago. We are so sterilized from real death these days. For some reason our species puts so much emphasis on the death rather than the life of the person.

To prove that point look at roadside memorials. I have a friend who lost her lover and she has turned the exact spot his car landed into a memorial she visits and decorates for every holiday. Instead of remembering his life she is focused on the very instant he died and preserving that.

Don't worry that your friends and family will be sad if you go. Focus on making your time together better and give them happy things to remember you by. For those of you with poor relationships, deaths by any manner have the ability to rip apart families.

Wow. I LOVE this response. So much truth is in these statements.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I'm in my twenties so I haven't encountered too many yet.

A teacher/coach at my high school ctb the year after I graduated. He had some relatively young kids. I'm glad I wasn't in the school at that time and don't know what the reaction was like.

There was a relatively big news story from the next town over: three guys in their early twenties ctb within a few days of each other. I was pretty far removed so didn't see much of a reaction, but I thought it was interesting.

Finally, a young person that I worked with at the market had a close friend who had ctb a year or two prior. She talked about it a lot and decided she wanted to work in mental health.

 

[Taylor]

I remember one of my neighborhood friends I knew growing up, shot himself in the head with a shotgun, apparently at his favorite place which was at his family's cabin up north. I was only 14 just turning 15 when it happened, my freshmen year of high school, while he was only 18 and a senior (we went to the same school). It shocked everyone, and I was especially stunned. I couldn't believe he was all of the sudden just gone, and I was still at that age where you think you're invincible, and wonder why on Earth anyone would do that to themself. You just don't really understand why. It's funny too
because once I got older and experienced my own inescapable hell, I was like, "Ohh. That's why." Now I pretend to talk to him sometimes, like "Hey man, you got room up there for the two of us? I think we're about to meet again..." haha. His mother was obviously devastated, and most likely isn't the same to this day. I don't think this is true, a real close friend of his I coincidentally met later in life told me the real reason but I forgot. Apparently though the rumor was that he was facing jail time and was so afraid his stepdad would find out and get physical with him, so he took that route instead to avoid that, or going to jail, or both. Whatever the reason, it was definitely a tragedy in our community.

 

[CalculatedFailure]

I think about this topic a lot, specifically what effect my death will have on my mom. When I made my first attempt in August she visited me in the psych ward nearly every day that week and every time I could just see the fear in her eyes from the thought of it all. Anytime I think about CingTB I immediately think of her; I remember literally not being able to draft a suicide note to her because I couldn't stop crying as I did it.

People say they wish others understood, but I hope she never has any inclination of what this feels like. My rationale at this point is basically once I'm gone, she'll have to figure out how to move on by herself, but even thinking that makes me feel horrible and want to KMS. I know it will devastate her, my only hope is that she can function afterwards and not allow my death to control the rest of her life.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

My second cousin CTBed last year just before his 20th birthday. He lay on train tracks in the dark to make sure the job was done. He died instantly but obviously his funeral was closed casket. A year on, his dad (my cousin) is struggling with his grief. His mum was a bitch and she didn't even go to her own son's funeral. The rest of the family are a bunch of nutjobs and he's almost been forgotten. Only his dad ever mentions him. I was numb when I heard of his death as I've been desensitised to death anyway.

 

[TiredHorse]

The common sentiment before the person CTB is that no one cares about them while they're alive or left them on their own to figure it out.

I don't want to get into a brawl about it, but I might gently request the recognition that this is just one of the common sentiments. I have also seen that there are many people here (like myself) who feel that they are cared about, and might even be able to talk openly with those closest to them (as I have), but that isn't the crux of the matter. Our problems are too great, or not of a nature to be overcome by the support available, no matter how much the loved ones in our lives could discuss the problem(s) with us.

For those who are dying for a lack of empathy by their society, that is indeed a terrible thing. For we who do not lack for empathetic support, but are unable to find a way around other problems, that is no less fatal.

 

[Fucking loving it]

My step dad CTB. It was destroying . No one was expecting it. Me included. I understand why he did it but it still hurts.
BurningLights really tore me up. We had gotten very close. ♡♡♡♡

 

[Jodes]

As someone who has seen a lot of death in this world, both friends and relatives, and through my job, perfect strangers; I can honestly say It doesn't matter how a person dies for the families to feel the exact same devastation and grief or to move on in a period of time. The real reason the family and friends of the deceased feel the way they do has to do more with the person dying before they wanted and what kind of relationship they had with the person. Everyone says a parent shouldn't have to bury a kid, or she/he died too young but for thousands of years people have been dying. It's a fact that we all will. In fact it was very common for our ancestors to have to bury their kids only 100 years ago. We are so sterilized from real death these days. For some reason our species puts so much emphasis on the death rather than the life of the person.

To prove that point look at roadside memorials. I have a friend who lost her lover and she has turned the exact spot his car landed into a memorial she visits and decorates for every holiday. Instead of remembering his life she is focused on the very instant he died and preserving that.

Don't worry that your friends and family will be sad if you go. Focus on making your time together better and give them happy things to remember you by. For those of you with poor relationships, deaths by any manner have the ability to rip apart families.

Really helpful post.

I agree with giving happy things to remember the deceased by, but a family still need to be prepared, as ancestors would have been, to help them understand "why". (Apparently one of the biggest questions families struggle with, along side guilt wondering if they could have done anything). But I have zero experience. So I actually feel really bad posting that.

Actually (sorry, longer post than I wanted) this is extremely helpful to me because recently I badly underestimated the damage I might do. It's hard to know. I'm sorry you all had to go through that for me to learn not to be an idiot

 

[Roph]

it happened years ago and it still affects them to this day. Time heals all wounds and the impact has gotten lesser, perhaps... but he hasn't been forgotten in any way.

 

[Jodes]

It must tear anyone up inside who had such a loss but also wants to CTB

 

[FallenfromGrace]

A girl in my grade hung herself last year.
I didn't know her personally but two of my friends did and it tore them up. One of then gets angry at any comments regarding her and shuts down if no one else can calm her and the other was actually going through self harm issues at the time and it made it really hard for her because it made her hurt herself more but also made her increasingly guilty.
Her "best friend"still posts memorials and stuff but otherwise stopped giving a shit after the first week without her.
The girl's family was small, just a sister and their mom, as far as I know. The mom is destroyed. I don't know much about the sister because she's young, but from what I've heard she hasn't handled it well.
Man, my school had no idea how to handle it. For some teachers it sparked important conversation and for others they pretended she never existed.
Everyone was crushed though and the school's atmosphere was hella depressing for like a month before we got back to a more normal pace.

 

[Hunter]

I've known/corresponded with 7 people who ended up CTBing, as a result of being on suicide forums. One died by shotgun (not confirmed), 3 died by N, 1 by nitrogen, 1 hanging, 1 CO (the rest confirmed through obits, coroner reports, family/friends). Most of them were able bodied but mentally ill except for one person.

I spoke with one of their best friends after the fact and they told me about the aftermath. Apparently their family was traumatized by the loss. But tbh, time will heal a lot of the grief and to some extent, his family knew he was in a long, protracted state of mental decline from depression.

 

[brokenbone]

I don't know anyone that has ctb as far as I'm aware of, but I have a high suspicion that the death of my cousin was in fact a suicide.
I was about 9 or 10 years old at that time and him being roughly 5 years older than me. We grew up together and I was as close to him as if he were my older brother.
His death was sudden, my mother was devastated at the news (she was his godmother) and as far as I remember no one of my family mentioned the cause of his death in my presence. Which is what raises my suspicion - surely they would've told me if it had "just" been an accident. I also didn't attend his funeral, but I don't remember if I didn't want to or wasn't allowed to. Nowadays I'm mentally too far away from my family to ask about this, so I might just never know for sure.

Quite an eerie feeling, but I wish I could know his last thoughts and his thoughts in general on my own situation

 

[15dec]

Two of my cousins ctb, one was before I was born so I can't say much about that. My other cousin ctb just over two years ago.

My aunt isn't coping with it well, she calls my mum to talk and cry a lot. Since my cousin had kids, they're living with their dad (who is abusive) and seldom see my aunt anymore, which really upsets her especially as her other children frequently see them and don't invite her to come with them. One of the kids gets bullied since his mum ctb, his sister is still a toddler and still remembers her mum but she probably won't remember her at all in the future.

It hit my parents hard too, my dad more so since my cousin was always nice and welcoming to him and they were good friends. My dad cries over it sometimes which says a lot seeing as he never cries. My aunt called my mum just before Christmas and they had a conversation about it since the holidays are incredibly hard for my aunt without my cousin being here.

One thing that irks me about it is that everyone says my cousin ctb because of something her ex said to her on the day she did it. The inquest reached the same conclusion. I can get my parents talking about it and they'll say that there were other things going wrong in her life beforehand -she didn't like her job, had moved back in with her mum, and her ex had been cheating on her and she found out from her daughter talking about having another mum, her brother also ctb and I also believe she had at least one friend who did as well. When I suggest that this all contributed to her desire to ctb or that it could have made her feel depressed I get told "no, she was too level headed, she had plans for the future, she wasn't depressed because she didn't go to the doctors or cut herself". Obviously if she was as level headed as everyone says, she wouldn't have ctb over one comment. But I think my family would rather pin everything on one event rather than someone's suffering over several months/years, they did the same thing after one of my attempts to ctb. I think it's just one way of coping. Your loved ones might deal with it differently though.

Everyone on my family seems to be moving on with their lives, though. Granted there are moments when my parents seem to break down, but usually they manage. My aunt certainly takes it the hardest though I rarely speak to her so I can't say how well she's managing

 

[color_me_gone]

hanged himself in his basement and one of his eldest daughters found him

man that is so messed up, I could never do that to my children
and then to do it at home, where they could find him? I mean WTF.

 

[TiredHorse]

I think my family would rather pin everything on one event rather than someone's suffering over several months/years, they did the same thing after one of my attempts to ctb. I think it's just one way of coping.

I think that is an excellent analysis, and would fit with what I have seen. The magnitude of loss can be so huge that survivors sometimes simply cannot assemble the pieces of so complex a puzzle. I suspect there are many elements at work, and that those elements vary from person to person, but the end result is an oversimplification for the sake of their own emotional survival.