Does anyone here have kids?

[FewerMoats]

I have three children, ages 9, 11, and 15. My youngest is very attached to me. I'm also a full time caregiver for my husband.

I have wanted to die for so long. My whole life has sucked and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I want to get the things I need for SN just to have it on hand for the next time I feel like I could do it. If I had it I would have been gone a week ago.

But I don't know where my kids would go and it would devastate my husband. But I'm tired. Tired of living for others, because in no way am I still here for myself.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I'm tired. Tired of living for others, because in no way am I still here for myself.

I really felt this. I grew tired of living for others a while ago and felt I needed to put myself first for once.
I don't have any children so I cant relate to that part, but I think you choosing to ctb will massively impact them. Are you able to get any help caring for your husband?

 

[Racon]

I am quite pro-choice, and I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I firmly believe that having kids gives you life-long responsibility that you cannot back out of in any way. You made the choice to bring people into this world so now you gotta do your best to make sure they don't suffer.

 

[Greenberg]

I have three children, ages 9, 11, and 15. My youngest is very attached to me. I'm also a full time caregiver for my husband.

I have wanted to die for so long. My whole life has sucked and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I want to get the things I need for SN just to have it on hand for the next time I feel like I could do it. If I had it I would have been gone a week ago.

But I don't know where my kids would go and it would devastate my husband. But I'm tired. Tired of living for others, because in no way am I still here for myself.

I sense that you feel trapped in your current situation. I realize that you have been selfless and carried the entire family's burden over your shoulders.

Not to make you feel guilty; if you were gone, then the family responsibility will full upon the most abled. In your particular case, it would be your 15 teenager. I can only imagine how daunting that would you be for him or her.

I would like to suggest another alternative view. Try to reframe your current situation as a testimony to the human spirit of enduring through the trials and tribulations of present living; make this a new meaning to your life. Nurture your strength of spirit and your family will see the wonderful, beautiful person that you are. And perhaps by doing so, you will inspire your children to be loving and compassionate individuals who they are meant to be.

Even tulips need to be chilled prior to blooming...take good care!!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Is there any way that your husband and kids can take on more responsibilities? Or others in your life? Would they want to step up if they knew you were at the point of ending your life because you're so overloaded?

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes, I can relate. My little ones are 8, 6, and 2. You give so much of yourself for your family, and covid makes things even more trapped feeling. I can talk to you about the complexities of being a mother and suicidal privet if you ever want. I've been working on mindsets and and techniques to keep perspective on why I keep going as well If you want to talk about coping tools.

It's hard living solely for others. It's up to you if it's something you can or need to do.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I was a single mom of 2 wonderful sons. My older son passed in a car accident almost 3 years ago he was 25. My younger son turned 18 and due to the grief of his brother & how bad I was in grief he moved in with my ex in laws. I want to CTB to be with my older son. I believe in my afterlife we will be reunited. My younger son will be 20 in a few months. I kept myself here at first for him. He moved out almost a yr and a half ago. He doesn't call or reply to my texts. He has a job yet I still pay his cell bill in hopes he will call. He wont miss me when I CTb. I'm lost without my kids. Since my older son passed I stay in my bedroom about 24/7 just in such deep pain, wanting my sons. I died the morning I told my older son have a good day buddy I love you and off to work he left.. never making it there. I died then and there my body just doesn't know how to stop.

 

[Misfit72]

My mother died of breast cancer when I was six and my brother was four - sometimes I wish it had been suicide as it would have been easier to see it as abandonment and a focus for my anger, an anger I now want to kill me.

That's one of the reasons I don't want children, as there have been similar tragedies in earlier generations, but I now have two young nieces, eight and five, and I worry about the impact my suicide might have on them, if not directly, then as a result of the impact it would have on my brother

 

[FewerMoats]

I really felt this. I grew tired of living for others a while ago and felt I needed to put myself first for once.
I don't have any children so I cant relate to that part, but I think you choosing to ctb will massively impact them. Are you able to get any help caring for your husband?

No. There's no help.

I am quite pro-choice, and I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I firmly believe that having kids gives you life-long responsibility that you cannot back out of in any way. You made the choice to bring people into this world so now you gotta do your best to make sure they don't suffer.

I know this logically. I'm fucking them up anyway. I have BPD and major depression. There's no way they're escaping without mental problems.

I sense that you feel trapped in your current situation. I realize that you have been selfless and carried the entire family's burden over your shoulders.

Not to make you feel guilty; if you were gone, then the family responsibility will full upon the most abled. In your particular case, it would be your 15 teenager. I can only imagine how daunting that would you be for him or her.

I would like to suggest another alternative view. Try to reframe your current situation as a testimony to the human spirit of enduring through the trials and tribulations of present living; make this a new meaning to your life. Nurture your strength of spirit and your family will see the wonderful, beautiful person that you are. And perhaps by doing so, you will inspire your children to be loving and compassionate individuals who they are meant to be.

Even tulips need to be chilled prior to blooming...take good care!!

No, the kids would have to go to someone else, and so would my husband as he can't care for himself.

I do NOT want my special purpose to be existing for other's benefit.

Is there any way that your husband and kids can take on more responsibilities? Or others in your life? Would they want to step up if they knew you were at the point of ending your life because you're so overloaded?

My husband had a massive stroke last November and can't help at all.
I don't know how to paint the picture of what the day to day is like, but it's much too overwhelming. I just cannot see myself living like this much longer.

I was a single mom of 2 wonderful sons. My older son passed in a car accident almost 3 years ago he was 25. My younger son turned 18 and due to the grief of his brother & how bad I was in grief he moved in with my ex in laws. I want to CTB to be with my older son. I believe in my afterlife we will be reunited. My younger son will be 20 in a few months. I kept myself here at first for him. He moved out almost a yr and a half ago. He doesn't call or reply to my texts. He has a job yet I still pay his cell bill in hopes he will call. He wont miss me when I CTb. I'm lost without my kids. Since my older son passed I stay in my bedroom about 24/7 just in such deep pain, wanting my sons. I died the morning I told my older son have a good day buddy I love you and off to work he left.. never making it there. I died then and there my body just doesn't know how to stop.

I'm so sorry. There's no words and I can't imagine being in your position.
Oh and when I try to tell my mother in law that I'm suicidal her response, no shit, is "oh stop it's.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

No. There's no help.

I know this logically. I'm fucking them up anyway. I have BPD and major depression. There's no way they're escaping without mental problems.

No, the kids would have to go to someone else, and so would my husband as he can't care for himself.

I do NOT want my special purpose to be existing for other's benefit.

My husband had a massive stroke last November and can't help at all.
I don't know how to paint the picture of what the day to day is like, but it's much too overwhelming. I just cannot see myself living like this much longer.

I'm so sorry. There's no words and I can't imagine being in your position.
Oh and when I try to tell my mother in law that I'm suicidal her response, no shit, is "oh stop it's.

thank you, I'm so sorry your mother in law cant be more compassionate and try to talk to you about it. She need a lesson in caring from the sounds of it

 

[Greenberg]

No. There's no help.

I know this logically. I'm fucking them up anyway. I have BPD and major depression. There's no way they're escaping without mental problems.

No, the kids would have to go to someone else, and so would my husband as he can't care for himself.

I do NOT want my special purpose to be existing for other's benefit.

My husband had a massive stroke last November and can't help at all.
I don't know how to paint the picture of what the day to day is like, but it's much too overwhelming. I just cannot see myself living like this much longer.

I'm so sorry. There's no words and I can't imagine being in your position.
Oh and when I try to tell my mother in law that I'm suicidal her response, no shit, is "oh stop it's.

I sense that you are very angry with the hand that life has dealt to you. It is okay to be mad and vent.

For the love of God, think about your children, especially your youngest!! The amount of suffering you will be laying on top of them, in addition to the difficulties they are currently going through.

As per @Racon, I do not know how you can forego your responsibility as a parent? Children learn from their parents. If you decide to act irresponsibly, they will view your behavior as being acceptable. I beseech you, do not let your depression determine your ultimate destiny. I wish you well!

 

[FewerMoats]

This is why people keep things to themselves. I just want somewhere I can go and not hear the same shit I hear everywhere else.

 

[Ghost2211]

This is why people keep things to themselves. I just want somewhere I can go and not hear the same shit I hear everywhere else.

What form of support do you feel you need?

 

[FewerMoats]

What form of support do you feel you need?

I don't know I guess. Maybe just wanting to hear what other parents thoughts are about leaving their families behind.

My situation is truly unfixable. I really don't want to continue with this existence.

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't know I guess. Maybe just wanting to hear what other parents thoughts are about leaving their families behind.

My situation is truly unfixable. I really don't want to continue with this existence.

I was dying inside from what my ex did. I made sure someone could care for my kids. I told myself they would have people that love them and be fine without me. I realized my kids are too young for me to leave. Its an awful position to be in to be in such pain but also have kids.

I won't lie and say they will be just fine, but if you can't cope in this world just make sure they're safe and cared for before you go. Moms die every day. Death is part of life. I know how it is when you're a mom. People stop seeing you, and all they see is the kids. People forget moms are human too.

 

[Greenberg]

This is why people keep things to themselves. I just want somewhere I can go and not hear the same shit I hear everywhere else.

Well, you did choose to come here and share; and by sharing, differing points of view emerged; alternatively, you could have shouted into the wind...

If you have already decided, what is the point in all this sound and fury? What exactly are you looking for??

 

[TheGreatEscape]

I am sorry for your situation.

I have children as well and would have ctb years ago if I weren't here for them. All the anti-suicide messages always go on and on about "you're not alone" and "it's a lie that people will be better without you."

In my case, I've never felt alone but I still want to ctb and I know for sure my kids would be worse off without me, so here I am.

 

[FewerMoats]

I am sorry for your situation.

I have children as well and would have ctb years ago if I weren't here for them. All the anti-suicide messages always go on and on about "you're not alone" and "it's a lie that people will be better without you."

In my case, I've never felt alone but I still want to ctb and I know for sure my kids would be worse off without me, so here I am.

See, I'm not certain they'd be worse off. I'm an awful parent. Awful caregiver. I'm just really inept at everything and am definitely the last person who should be in charge. I'm 100% failure.

Well, you did choose to come here and share; and by sharing, differing points of view emerged; alternatively, you could have shouted into the wind...

If you have already decided, what is the point in all this sound and fury? What exactly are you looking for??

I said before, I came to hear other parents and their thoughts regarding leaving their families behind.

 

[Lost1804]

Where are you? Which country? X

 

[Ghost2211]

I know there have been parents among us that have departed, but those of us that remain are the ones that can't leave the kids no matter how much we want to die. I am not telling you this to tell you it's wrong to go, but rather this is the harsh reality we live every day. We are offering you community and support, but it may not fit the exact situation you are seeking. I can't take that route myself, but I can empathize and am pro choice.

 

[kcn2020]

This is why people keep things to themselves. I just want somewhere I can go and not hear the same shit I hear everywhere else.

Honestly, I am tired of this kind of posts. This forum is a pro-choice place, not a pro-suicide one. We don't encourage people to commit suicide but we respect their choice, even though sometimes we don't fully agree with it.

If you want to commit suicide and you're not capable of being challenged on your choice, then don't make a thread for us to react. We all have problems here, and for the majority of us, we have all thought about suicide.

You can make a thread about your suicide plan and we will usually give you some advises to reduce suffering, distress and pain. But don't ask us to condone your choice because in the end this is YOUR choice and YOUR responsibility.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm a father of two young boys 8 and 5. I separated from my wife of 13 years almost a year to the day now. I haven't seen any of them since due to the circumstances I face.

Its been very difficult for me but atleast I know I have the option to CTB and my kids will be fine. I'm sure they miss me and would be sad about it but atleast they'd be financially and emotionally cared for.

 

[blackcatnash]

My son is 7 years old and he's the ony thing I can say I am proud of myself. I don't want to hurt him or traumatize him, but I wonder what use can I be to him when day by day he sees me falling down. I don't consider myself anymore a functioning father, so I totally understand your struggle and feel for you because of the burden you have to stand everyday.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I don't know I guess. Maybe just wanting to hear what other parents thoughts are about leaving their families behind.

My situation is truly unfixable. I really don't want to continue with this existence.

heres my situation- first I was born into hell. I first tried to hurt myself at 12. During my teen years I spent a bit of time in and out of psych. At 20 I had my older son- the first light and love in my life. His dad didn't want him so I was all he had. Now I have always had depression and anxiety to some level. But I raised an amazing man I was so proud and honored to call MY son. At 25 he passed in a car accident on his way to work. I was DESTROYED and wanted to go with him but I had a 16 1/2 yr old son at home at the time as well. My devastated grief my younger son lost his brother and mother on that day. He hid the bullets to my older sons gun, hid my meds he truly went through hell trying to protect me. I stayed here for HIM. He moved out a yr and a half ago after he turned 18 to my ex inlaws. My ex in laws used my grief against me at a time when my younger son couldn't take anymore-he lost his older brother and mother as he knew her. He's been gone a yr and a half and I haven't seen him. He has a job I pay his cell phone bill in hopes he would call or a small text love ya ma. He doesn't call or text me back. I am nothing without my sons. I can honestly say- I died when my older son did in his car accident life was more tolerable when I was a punching bag vs waking up knowing I cannot hug my son ever again. I know my younger son will be able to move forward in life without me. He already has and is probably wondering why I have not CTB yet. I believe in an afterlife and in that afterlife I will be with my older son so I plan to CTB and go to him.

just to add- even though I had depression and anxiety all the years I had my boys it didn't make me a bad mom. My older son is proof of that he truly was an amazing man. 200 people from his car club held a candlelight ceremony for him the night after he passed. I cannot tell you how many told me what an amazing man he was. So it isn't just me saying he truly was something amazing. Of course there are things I did through the years I look back on now wishing I hadn't. I drank a bit at night during some periods I wish I never did because my older son hated it. But he was only looking out for his mom.

 

[XYZ]

I feel only nausea when I read replies on threads that involve parents. A parent who wants to ctb is the final frontier, even for an open-minded community such as SS.

I find it disturbing that the OP has to defend themselves, when all they seek is contact with other parents in a similar position.

"I am pro-choice, but..."

Hey you, passing judgement on other people's lives, take your but, double the last consonant, and shove it right there.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I feel only nausea when I read replies on threads that involve parents. A parent who wants to ctb is the final frontier, even for an open-minded community such as SS.

I find it disturbing that the OP has to defend themselves, when all they seek is contact with other parents in a similar position.

"I am pro-choice, but..."

Hey you, passing judgement on other people's lives, take your but, double the last consonant, and shove it right there.

if your meaning me because I added but on the end my post I apologize. I am not judging anyone. I just know due to the survey I read a majority here are younger folks. As a mom and also as someone who has been through much more than I can try to tell you- I offer my experiences. Not to judge anyone at all. Just to share because sometimes we think things are so bad we want to go when in reality some things actually get better by staying. It did for me. Some situations can change and when you come out of that dark tunnel and look back years later you say ok it was worth it! In the end all of us have a right to do whatever makes US happy. I have no reason not to CTB as well as many others here. Anyone who feels they need to CTB touches my heart- as a person thats there and a person who was there as a teenager, as a mom, as someone whose been through so much hell its time it's over. No judging, offering some support and advice in the case it can help someone.

I can't remember the exact phrase my mind isn't there.. it was an explanation someone once gave me- about car races. In the driver seat you can't see the accident coming but from the bleechers you can. Sometimes someone on the outside is all someone needs

 

[Notme]

I have 4 kids. They are 2,3,9 and 10 years of age.
I have been struggling for a while now which has only come to light with me and there mother splitting. (Not my choice).
I have had suicidal thoughts from my early teens to now.
Every thing has become to much for me as a person. I am broken struggling and have attempted several times to partial hang myself. I've also started to self harm which gives me what I need at the moment.
I break down a lot and sick of putting a front on for my kids, friends and family.
I'm trying to take it day by day but it's hard.
I understand anyone's pain who has kids and can relate that co stand feeling if you Ctb what would they think feel when older.
It breaks you as person more.
I can relate. This is a dad in the UK reaching out.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I have a 10 year old little boy. He is my whole world and I love him dearly. He's the only reason I am sitting here typing this right now.

but, as much as I love him, I also want what's best for him. And that is not me.

 

[airboy_a380]

I am quite pro-choice, and I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I firmly believe that having kids gives you life-long responsibility that you cannot back out of in any way. You made the choice to bring people into this world so now you gotta do your best to make sure they don't suffer.

Got to agree with this answer. You have a family. Your kids will be devastated. Im quite pro choice, but you have so many lives depending on you. Can´t you wait a little longer? For them? Please dont be upset with my answer.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I have a 10 month old daughter. She's a sharp, innocent bundle of joy and is the only reason why I'm not dangling from a tree in the woods.