I don't feel just as you do, but I can relate. I appreciate that you posted because I'm still working this out. Maybe there will be something you can relate to?
What happened was I finally dumped all my parents' stuff onto them, a literal lifetime's worth that I'd had foisted onto me and carried, and then I realized I not only don't need to focus on them anymore, I don't want to -- not the memories, the anger, the frustration, the guilt, the hope of a future, the fear of them interacting in my future, etc. I think I just want to be done and move forward and be free, but I also have to recognize that this is it -- I accept they won't change, I accept they are unacceptable for me and to me, I give up all hope, I give up what I thought was love, I give up being tethered and I'm actually free. No more bait-and-switch masquerading as a safe family that protects and grounds me wherever I am in the world.
No hate, no rejection; no love, no clinging.
Just...done.
I had a fear that by letting go of the past and not focusing anymore on healing and getting better and getting free that I'm not only losing a near life-long focus, but that by doing so I could be risking dissociating -- as if I were shoving it all aside and risking forgetting, when actually, it none of it needs my attention anymore, and I am now self-associating. I may have achieved the pinnacle I sought without even realizing I'd arrived! I think the fear of dissocation is an old subconscious threat so I'll keep clinging to and focusing on what is not me, instead of claiming and focusing on what is. It is no longer disallowed, and it hasn't been for longer than I knew.
If I let them go like that as I want to, as is sane and healthy, if I move forward untethered...I thought, "Well then what do I focus on?" and I felt an emptiness inside -- that's what stuck out for me most of all in your post. I had never felt that before. I didn't realize how much they filled me, how much they'd held hostage, how much they'd actually met their goal of blocking me from being myself, entering myself; how strong had been the narcissistic projection of my mother into myself, and how I didn't get to develop because I was always fighting her being there where she had no right to be, and it put my focus on her instead of on me.
Now I'm not sure what to do without the feelings, emotions, and the intrusions of memories and future-tripping. I'm not sure what to do with me, I was never allowed to be there before, even though I've constantly fought to be there, defended myself, planned for a battle with every personal choice I made, or plotted how to get approval and acceptance for every personal choice. I'm not sure what to do without the battles and plotting, they've taken up so much attention and energy. But by talking about this, I realize I've already started to fill in a bit since I discovered the emptiness. So thank you for posting, I really benefitted. I hope you benefit from my comment and if not, from someone else's.
