Does anyone feel like there’s no reason to CBT, but you feel like you have to?

[nightlygem]

I have bipolar disorder and have seasons of emotional but "human" views on life and then out of nowhere I'll just go completely emotionless with the goal of dying by the end of the night. It's exhausting to constantly switch between the two, but I'm wondering if anyone else has the same battle I do?

It's like your brain is split in two:
1. this is the one that knows what they want to do, the family they're going to raise, and the life they want to live. You don't have to be happy, but ultimately you just want to see how life unfolds.

2. this is the one that can only think of CTB. emotionless. knows that it wants to be anywhere but here. you could live out the days, but why not just end it all now? that way, the hard part is over.

It's strange to me; I always feel like I'm living as two people in one body; each with contradicting beliefs. I know for sure I am determined to CTB soon, but I would like to know if there's anyone else out there who feels this way.
I've spoken to numerous doctors and therapists about this issue and their only solution has been meds and psych holds.

(and no, I do not believe I have D.I.D. I'm just bipolar)

 

[Darkover]

you ever heard of cognitive dissonance sound like what you might be experiencing when you say it feel like your mind is spliting in two

 

[nightlygem]

you ever heard of cognitive dissonance sound like what you might be experiencing when you say it feel like your mind is spliting in two

I did some research and yeah that sounds about right. Although, for me, one is usually overpowering the other.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I can relate to this a lot. It's something I've been working on in therapy. Have you ever heard of IFS (internal family systems)? There's a lot to it, but at it's core it's a break from the mono-mind model. When examining ourselves we often experience parts that are very different. IFS looks into the relationship of these parts.

I still have a hard time dealing with the extremities of my internal experience, like you're describing. I can relate to how you describe it as one "overpowering the other". In my experience it's hard to remember another flavor of feeling when I'm in the thick of it. (if that makes sense.) I have found this framework helpful to come to accept the various parts, which has lessened the feeling of intensities in these shifts. The shifts are still there, but less of a feeling that they negate the other.

For some context, I've been diagnosed with cPTSD and BPD - very possibly ASD. I have had 4 CBT attempts.

 

[nightlygem]

I can relate to this a lot. It's something I've been working on in therapy. Have you ever heard of IFS (internal family systems)? There's a lot to it, but at it's core it's a break from the mono-mind model. When examining ourselves we often experience parts that are very different. IFS looks into the relationship of these parts.

I still have a hard time dealing with the extremities of my internal experience, like you're describing. I can relate to how you describe it as one "overpowering the other". In my experience it's hard to remember another flavor of feeling when I'm in the thick of it. (if that makes sense.) I have found this framework helpful to come to accept the various parts, which has lessened the feeling of intensities in these shifts. The shifts are still there, but less of a feeling that they negate the other.

For some context, I've been diagnosed with cPTSD and BPD - very possibly ASD. I have had 4 CBT attempts.

Thank you for adding onto this. I'm really glad I'm not alone! Unfortunately I have had numerous failed attempts due to my shifts. I also really appreciate your insight on IFS, and it's something I will definitely look into.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Thank you for adding onto this. I'm really glad I'm not alone! Unfortunately I have had numerous failed attempts due to my shifts. I also really appreciate your insight on IFS, and it's something I will definitely look into.

Nice! It also feels good for me to hear I'm not alone in that sort of experience. If you're inclined, feel free to PM. I could share some resources.

 

[fwompie]

I have bipolar disorder and have seasons of emotional but "human" views on life and then out of nowhere I'll just go completely emotionless with the goal of dying by the end of the night. It's exhausting to constantly switch between the two, but I'm wondering if anyone else has the same battle I do?

It's like your brain is split in two:
1. this is the one that knows what they want to do, the family they're going to raise, and the life they want to live. You don't have to be happy, but ultimately you just want to see how life unfolds.

2. this is the one that can only think of CTB. emotionless. knows that it wants to be anywhere but here. you could live out the days, but why not just end it all now? that way, the hard part is over.

It's strange to me; I always feel like I'm living as two people in one body; each with contradicting beliefs. I know for sure I am determined to CTB soon, but I would like to know if there's anyone else out there who feels this way.
I've spoken to numerous doctors and therapists about this issue and their only solution has been meds and psych holds.

(and no, I do not believe I have D.I.D. I'm just bipolar)

Absolutely same here, I have constant strong moodswings that sometimes last a few hours, sometimes a few days. It makes me scared of myself because I feel like I can't trust my own judgement and emotions.

Personally I thought bipolar was moodswings over a longer period of time?

 

[dmdmdm]

I feel the damn exact way, I've never managed to put it in words but you just did that for me. Amazing.

 

[nightlygem]

Absolutely same here, I have constant strong moodswings that sometimes last a few hours, sometimes a few days. It makes me scared of myself because I feel like I can't trust my own judgement and emotions.

Personally I thought bipolar was moodswings over a longer period of time?

That is true. Usually, they last a few weeks or months. However, as I've been informed by a doctor, it can start to appear differently. For example, usually bipolar disorder has long periods of mania and then depression. For me, my "mania" isn't the typical "I'm going to solve world hunger" mania, rather, it's a mania that I have described here: nothing but desire to CTB and doing everything possible to achieve it.
Feel free to share about how yours may be different as well. It's harder to diagnose younger people with bipolar if it's not already genetic, so it's really only something you can get treated for as an adult.

 

[fwompie]

That is true. Usually, they last a few weeks or months. However, as I've been informed by a doctor, it can start to appear differently. For example, usually bipolar disorder has long periods of mania and then depression. For me, my "mania" isn't the typical "I'm going to solve world hunger" mania, rather, it's a mania that I have described here: nothing but desire to CTB and doing everything possible to achieve it.
Feel free to share about how yours may be different as well. It's harder to diagnose younger people with bipolar if it's not already genetic, so it's really only something you can get treated for as an adult.

ah that's interesting! I'm not entirely sure how I would explain my symptoms right now, I also have bad brainfog so sometimes I can't even recall or believe that at a certain point I felt the complete opposite. I think I just go between mostly deeply depressed and suicidal to excited, energetic and so happy that I overstimulate myself. It doesn't seem to have a rhythm, no direct cause, etc. I think it's been like that specifically for 5-ish years, before that I was just depressed and had some other issues which I struggle less with now. Like social anxiety and my paranoia, hallucinations and delusions were way worse than they are now.

My mother does have mental health issues, she has narcissistic tendencies and what the gp described as "persevering sadness"... no idea. She was on antidepressants but decided to quit because she didn't like how it made her feel. It doesn't seem to affect her day to day life like it does to me though, so I'm not sure.

 

[nightlygem]

ah that's interesting! I'm not entirely sure how I would explain my symptoms right now, I also have bad brainfog so sometimes I can't even recall or believe that at a certain point I felt the complete opposite. I think I just go between mostly deeply depressed and suicidal to excited, energetic and so happy that I overstimulate myself. It doesn't seem to have a rhythm, no direct cause, etc. I think it's been like that specifically for 5-ish years, before that I was just depressed and had some other issues which I struggle less with now. Like social anxiety and my paranoia, hallucinations and delusions were way worse than they are now.

My mother does have mental health issues, she has narcissistic tendencies and what the gp described as "persevering sadness"... no idea. She was on antidepressants but decided to quit because she didn't like how it made her feel. It doesn't seem to affect her day to day life like it does to me though, so I'm not sure.

We are very similar. My mom is very mentally ill and was super abusive throughout the years, so unfortunately I've become an amalgamation of genetics and trauma.
I can relate to your brainfog and your inconsistent moods. It's very frustrating to deal with for sure. Sometimes I feel like I have amnesia because I can't even remember the meal I had yesterday. I wonder if that correlates to the constant shifts…

 

[fwompie]

We are very similar. My mom is very mentally ill and was super abusive throughout the years, so unfortunately I've become an amalgamation of genetics and trauma.
I can relate to your brainfog and your inconsistent moods. It's very frustrating to deal with for sure. Sometimes I feel like I have amnesia because I can't even remember the meal I had yesterday. I wonder if that correlates to the constant shifts…

Ah it's so nice to hear I'm not the only one, though I'm also sorry you're going through something similar. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in October, very curious to hear what they'll say.

And yeah, we got asked in a class for creative writing, how our morning yesterday was. I don't even know what happened today's morning.