Does anyone feel like consciousness itself is torture?

[ValarMorghulis]

I've never met anyone else with this perspective... But I simply can't stand being alive in and of itself. I think it's probably due to my childhood trauma, but a few years ago I tried meditation very seriously, hoping it would soothe my mind. Hoping I'd reach some kind of acceptance and control. Anyway, the more I paid attention to my breath, to simply existing, to being alive, the more I wanted to die. It freaked me out, it scared me. And since then I can kind of recreate that feeling on command. Existential fear. Being alive in and of itself is plain terrifying. Suddenly it makes sense why no one just sits quietly - why we need constant distraction and escapism. Why we create our own demons, even, to keep us preoccupied.

I've been on numerous different medications and tried CBT and FBT etc, but nothing has worked in getting rid of the feeling. Grounding techniques don't work because it's often caused *by* grounding techniques. I've been told I have anxiety but I don't get panic attacks and it isn't accompanied by any sort of distressing thoughts, it's simply coming into full awareness of being alive which makes my brain short circuit. It can happen anywhere and at anytime. Anyone have any insight?

 

[luten]

I am sorry you feel this way. In Buddhism compassion is taught, this includes all beings, including yourself. I have strong doubts that meditation would work for anyone who does not have compassion towards themselves to begin with. Must one be a good person in order to have compassion for oneself? The answer is no, you can see yourself from the outside, in your situation, and have compassion for what you going through in life, this makes it ok, not to be ok, because you understand your circumstances.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

The meditation is not supposed to be aborted and labelled as botched if an unpleasant sensation such as terror arises. Pain, fear, anxiety, rumination as well as happiness, calm, hope and love are to be seen as they are without forcing imaginary worth on them. Let seeing be seeing, hearing be hearing, feeling be feeling and thinking be thinking.

The purpose from what I've gathered is to see sensations clearly as they arise and focus on what experience/reality really is. This is supposedly done in the "present moment" and what matters is only your level of mindfulness in this moment. Mindfulness being how free from aversion and attachment we are in relation to reality/sense data.

 

[Life sucks]

Consciousness is torture. It's like a prison that one suffers alone inside and nobody knows about it.

 

[signifying nothing]

Existential fear.

You might find it useful to take a look at existential therapy/philosophy. Helped me, coming from a similar position.

 

[Lucien]

I think it's probably due to my childhood trauma

Likely. Time to feel bad that you're not attending enough therapy and shoving enough medication down your throat.

 

[ValarMorghulis]

Likely. Time to feel bad that you're not attending enough therapy and shoving enough medication down your throat.

God, right? I'd love permission to just stop trying and simply BE, flaws and all... Sometimes things are too deeply embedded in your psyche at too early of an age for you to ever fully recover from it. And that's okay. It's fine to not fit the definition and strict criteria of an acceptable, useful, healthy wage slave.

 

[Lucien]

God, right? I'd love permission to just stop trying and simply BE, flaws and all... Sometimes things are too deeply embedded in your psyche at too early of an age for you to ever fully recover from it. And that's okay. It's fine to not fit the definition and strict criteria of an acceptable, useful, healthy wage slave.

Pop-psych bobbleheads could widely replace 'reasonable/ mindful/ self-disciplined' with 'sustainable' when discussing mental wellbeing on their Twitter outlets but that doesn't sound as catchy and self-reassuring. It also won't change a thing.

 

[sparkie]

This is weird I don't have many memories of my childhood but one stands out when I was about seven I was sitting in our TV room looking out the window at the sky and suddenly I jumped up and thought what is this what am I doing here and had a bit of a panic attack I remember my heart beating out of my chest I literally had a start was like I suddenly realised I was in an existence that I didn't know how I got to Really strange but it was very powerful especially for a child of seven

 

[Lmd]

Suddenly it makes sense why no one just sits quietly - why we need constant distraction and escapism. Why we create our own demons, even, to keep us preoccupied.

Hah, this part. I worked so hard on myself and all the things that worried and bothered me and I have taken so much acceptance of my being that now what remains is nothing. I'm not afraid of anything, I think that everything makes sense on a large scale and in a way that I cannot understand but as far as day-to-day is concerned everything seems useless and bland. I'm still alive because dying doesn't make any sense. I wish I had some reason or something that bothered me so much as to want to fix it or work on it.