Story does anyone feel ‘bad’ or ‘stupid’ that they haven’t ctb yet?

[bunny_brownie9]

I hope I'm wording this correctly but I feel weird.

I've had some pretty serious attempts over the years, and currently my mind is so dark. I feel so 'stupid' that I haven't ctb yet, that I've let myself down in a way.

It's as though I'm not 'valid' or something because I haven't ctb. I don't really know how to put it into words. Does this make sense to anyone else?

 

[bed]

i think i understand. i've been in limbo for a long time and have attempted a few times as well. in a way i personally feel like a fraud for not ctb yet since ive been here so long. i really do want to live though and do enjoy aspects of life, my circumstances have just lead me to feel forced to kill myself. maybe that's why i haven't done it yet, idk.
i don't think you're stupid that you havent ctb yet and your feelings are valid. it definitely isnt a race or anything and it will always be an option in the future. i do really relate to letting myself down though by not going through with it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I feel frustrated

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm going to be bad and stupid regardless of whether or not I CTB and that's essentially why I need to CTB.

 

[UmbraDweller]

I often cringe about myself for making such a fuss about this whole thing. But suicide really isn't a easy thing to do. You shouldn't feel stupid for not succeeding right away, it takes a lot to do this.

 

[Unknown21]

I hope I'm wording this correctly but I feel weird.

I've had some pretty serious attempts over the years, and currently my mind is so dark. I feel so 'stupid' that I haven't ctb yet, that I've let myself down in a way.

It's as though I'm not 'valid' or something because I haven't ctb. I don't really know how to put it into words. Does this make sense to anyone else?

Sometimes I feel ashamed that I'm still here, and I'm also afraid that if I don't do it now, I won't somehow be able to do it later.

 

[thetruetato]

I hope I'm wording this correctly but I feel weird.

I've had some pretty serious attempts over the years, and currently my mind is so dark. I feel so 'stupid' that I haven't ctb yet, that I've let myself down in a way.

It's as though I'm not 'valid' or something because I haven't ctb. I don't really know how to put it into words. Does this make sense to anyone else?

I understand what you feel, and experience it quite often. The main thing stopping me is the fear of failing and SI.

 

[drearysunrise]

I feel similarly...it's as if I need to prove to myself how bad things have really gotten. I find myself thinking that if I really wanted to ctb I would have done it already, even though I know that's not fair to say because there's so many things in the way.

 

[Saturn_]

Absolutely. I made a promise to someone that I was going to die, and now I feel bad and like I'm wrongly worrying them for pussying out. But I'm still very much planning to end my life. This life isn't one that is sustainable or reparable.

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah I'm stupid for living this long, should've ctb decades ago. It's been a pointless battle to nowhere.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

It mostly just rubs my ego the wrong way because I've always perceived myself as being a relatively competent person and all these failed attempts make me feel totally inept for not succeeding at something that apparently even 10-year-olds can pull off without planning (and meanwhile I put so much thought, planning, and effort into every single one of those attempts).

 

[lostyouinthestorm]

yes. it makes me feel pathetic. why do i keep hanging on for temporary things? why do i keep going even though it's just getting worse? i'm not sure, but i feel weak and cowardly. i feel that maybe i'm not bad or sick enough, but then i feel worse because why do i want to be? i want to hit true rock bottom so i have a "proper" reason to commit to ctb

 

[Maggiemags]

I totally feel like shit because of failed attempts and because I stress eat it makes me feel worse about my health and weight in general. The number of times ive sat around and eaten multiple boxes of poptarts, cookies, and hostess cakes while I try to get over a ledge hurts. Im currently like 170lbs but I still feel fat.

 

[UKscotty]

On one hand yes, I feel like a fraud for being here multiple years.

On the other hand, I see more and more clearly just how irrational suicide is, it's literally the opposite to what a healthy mind wants to do.

It's a battle between my desire to live and the depression that makes me hate existence and see only suffering.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

shoulda bought the shotgun earlier

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

shoulda bought the shotgun earlier

wish I had applied for a license before I got involved in the mental healthcare system

 

[WorthlessMoron]

I feel that all the time. I'd think, "this year will be it", then time passes by and the year is over. And I'm still alive.

 

[cryone]

i completely understand. my sasu account is relatively old compared to the current active users. ive also used an old account n frequently browsed this forum b4 creating it. ive been suicidal for yrs and it pisses me off how i haven't been able to properly recover or ctb.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I acknowledge how hard suicide is. It isn't me being bad or stupid, it's more so just suicide itself being an immensely hard obstacle to do due to pro lifers restricting peaceful suicide methods and therefore forcing us to take more of the harsher suicide methods