Discussion Does anyone ever feel like a fraud occasionally?

[Torschlusspanik]

This may be a bit of a rhetorical post, perhaps nonsensical, perhaps remotely philosophical, but I'm really curious if anyone feels this way.

I was wondering if anyone has ever felt like they were faking their condition, or at least exaggerating it: almost as if, in fact, it was possible to end it if you really wanted to.
For the sake of clarity, let me elaborate.
I've only been here a few days and I've already read so many stories of people torn apart by life, abused, bullied, destroyed by others, in unbearable physical pain. Then I think about me, I think about my life and how (all in all) I have never been touched by those terrible realities. Sure, I have a mood disorder. Sure, I first tried to ctb when I was 16, but hey: the more I look around, the more I think it could have been so much worse.
So, at 28, I can't help but wonder how much of everything I've been through in my life would have been avoidable if I'd had more willpower. Maybe more courage?
What if I had been able to gather all the residual will in my body and give it a specific shape: then, in that case, would I have been able to make things go differently?
How much of this is real, caused by chemical imbalances in my brain, and how much is actually just a whim? Am I faking it? How much of this is just my fault? Can I really make it stop when I want to?

The truth, clearly, is that I really do have a mental condition and there is no willpower that can erase it, no inner power, no magic. So why is it that sometimes I just feel like an impostor? As someone who should just be another functioning member of this society and not a burden to it, as much as that makes sense.
The injury of having a medical condition, and the insult of feeling guilty and responsible for it. Isn't that ironically depressing?

Does anyone else ever have similar feelings?

 

[OldDrummer]

Constantly. I'm in my early 50's. Autistic. Scripted and masked my entire life.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Occassionally?

Jokes aside, I don't know if it could be comforting, but I don't think anyone chooses this affliction we all share (or much else about their life for that matter). I believe our lives are just movies and we are just actors who don't get to see the script. It is also incredibly common to feel like you 'don't have it bad enough' to feel as bad as you do - try not to fall for this ugly trick our brains play on us (easier said than done).

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I can't help but wonder how much of everything I've been through in my life would have been avoidable if I'd had more willpower. Maybe more courage?

I wonder this all the time. But you make your bed, you lay in it. What can you do.

 

[NumbItAll]

It sounds like you are experiencing some guilt about your situation, like you aren't "worthy" of being in this state because others may have experienced worse things. I'm not sure why that happens, maybe just lingering pressure from societal expectations as well as internal pressure from feeling like you could do better. I can relate as it seems on the surface like I've been dealt a good enough hand and done nothing with it, but it really is more complicated than that. In the end it all comes down to our @GenesAndEnvironment.

 

[Torschlusspanik]

Occassionally?

Jokes aside, I don't know if it could be comforting, but I don't think anyone chooses this affliction we all share (or much else about their life for that matter). I believe our lives are just movies and we are just actors who don't get to see the script. It is also incredibly common to feel like you 'don't have it bad enough' to feel as bad as you do - try not to fall for this ugly trick our brains play on us (easier said than done).

Occasionally... every minute or so
In some ways, yes, it is comforting. Like so many other things, I just wish there was a way to always keep that in mind without questioning it every time.

It sounds like you are experiencing some guilt about your situation, like you aren't "worthy" of being in this state because others may have experienced worse things. I'm not sure why that happens, maybe just lingering pressure from societal expectations as well as internal pressure from feeling like you could do better. I can relate as it seems on the surface like I've been dealt a good enough hand and done nothing with it, but it really is more complicated than that. In the end it all comes down to our @GenesAndEnvironment.

Likely so.

I also agree with the societal aspect you suggest, ultimately I believe that is the biggest pressure many of us can experience.
And yes, definitely being given the tools to do better and not using them isn't always that straightforward of a process, I get that. The problem is that eventually it all adds up in the cauldron of thoughts and well...more misery over nothing.

 

[Oblivion Access]

On reflection I'm not sure which option is more terrifying - that I actively chose/am choosing to be like this, or that I have no meaningful choice in what my traits are. Based on my (very limited) understanding of neuroscience and epigenetics, the later seems more likely, and less guilt inducing if nothing else... though knowing the suffering I&others go through is all arbitrary and not chosen is so cruel.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Occasionally? Try all the time. At least I can take solace in the fact that I'm right about being a fraud though.

 

[Torschlusspanik]

On reflection I'm not sure which option is more terrifying - that I actively chose/am choosing to be like this, or that I have no meaningful choice in what my traits are. Based on my (very limited) understanding of neuroscience and epigenetics, the later seems more likely, and less guilt inducing if nothing else... though knowing the suffering I&others go through is all arbitrary and not chosen is so cruel.

Well yes, both options are terrifying in their own way.

I also understand your final statement, however I quite like the metaphor you used earlier about the script and the actors. Personally, when I don't have that feeling of guilt and feeling like a fraud, I try to have the most mechanistic view of life possible, where everything happens as a consequence of something else. Maybe it doesn't directly answer the question, "Why did it have to happen to me? Why this suffering?", but at least it allows me to justify it with "statistics and causality". Better than nothing, I guess.