Does anyone else want to CTB to escape abuse?

[birthdayboy]

At some point, my husband became unbearably cruel. He's not physical abusive, but the lashing out, yelling, throwing and breaking things, belittling, insults, and other forms of emotional harm have become too much to bear. It's nonstop.

I've lost all my friends irl because he gets outrageously jealous of me spending time with anyone else. I thought I was on track at one point because I found a friend he seemed to like (he hates most people), but then he suddenly became hateful about him too and I had to cut him off.

I've been 100% faithful to him since the moment we were together, and while there have been moments I said and did things that were wrong, I always apologized and did whatever I could to make up for it, but it was never enough. He holds grudges perpetually. He used to love my mom, but he's hated her since he got into an argument with her about ice cream in 2017, and he's hated her ever since and frequently brings up how much he hates her.

And meanwhile, he's done some horrible things to me. He cheated on me with my brother. He's destroyed so many things when he's been drunk. But man, I move on and I forgive because holding hate isn't worthwhile, y'know?

This morning, I saw the kitchen counter needed to be cleaned, so I wiped it with a paper towel, and in the process I moved his THC vape to the other side of the counter, still in plain sight, but he got so angry that he took the air fryer and rice cooker out of the kitchen and put them somewhere. Maybe he threw them away. He often gets angry and throws random things in the trash or breaks them. He even threatened to have our dogs put down one time. Anything that will upset and hurt me. Why is this way?

So I'm gay and my first attempt was after trying to date a woman who was my closest friend at one time and realizing that would never work for me. I had a pistol up to my head and I often regret not just doing it.

So I'm not spiritual or religious really, but it's so odd that I ran into her today after 20+ years of not talking to her, and she started talking to me just like we did when we were friends. And then I think she could tell something was different about me because I could tell the same tone of voice and body language she used to use. She could read me like a book. And at one point she got really serious, and was like "So how are things going with you, [birthdayboy]" and I tried to give a polite answer that would be expected, but I really think she knew.

And again, not spiritual, but it's so interesting she appeared the day after I finally finished a plan to CTB that satisfies me. I just have to get through like 6 more months because I need it to be nice weather. So it felt like the universe giving its seal of approval.

And honestly the best thing that ever happens to me is when I sleep and there's just nothing, and it really landed for me that that's how it will be. My consciousness will just be gone, and I have no reason to fear that.

But if not for the abuse, I think I'd be doing alright at this point. It's just I can't bring myself to leave him, and I can't go on living like this. I think it's even harder for me that I'm also demisexual queer and gay because I feel like just a normal person would just move on, but that's not possible for me.

 

[birdofafeather]

Hey,

I'm someone who used to be in an abusive relationship, and I tried multiple times to CTB my way out of it. Given that I'm still alive, it clearly didn't work, but given that I'm out of the situation, arguably you can say that it kind of did. [If you want more details, you're very free to DM me, I just don't feel comfortable airing everything about myself out on a public forum]
In general, on average, it takes about 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship - it's incredibly difficult, especially if you have no connections outside of the relationship - there is no safety net, no real place for you to go afterwards, and especially if you believe that you love and care for your abuser. If you feel that you do not need to CTB outside of the abuse, I would highly recommend not taking that course of action - escaping will be somewhat of a death in itself, but then you get to pick yourself up and decide for yourself how you would like to proceed.

It is a huge step to even recognise that you are being abused, and an even bigger step to be able to admit it. You are on a very difficult journey right now, and it isn't going to get easier for a while, but you have already taken the first steps.
I will be around if you ever want to talk to someone on the other side of your situation, for advice, for just company, or anything at all. And remember that the process of escaping takes time, as you also have to fight your own doubts and feelings.

Look after yourself, and I wish you all the best.

 

[Quietist]

but the lashing out, yelling, throwing and breaking things, belittling, insults, and other forms of emotional harm

This IS abuse, by the way.

Abuse isn't just physical.

And yes, I can relate to wanting to CTB to escape one's environment as well as the people in it.

 

[happy2die]

yes except it's from my parents (used to be physically abused too but now it's just emotional)and my only way of escape was excelling in academics so that I could become financially stable as quick as possible to cut them off. However, I had undiagnosed ADHD and that dream was cut short a few months into college. By the time I got a diagnosis and medication I had already decided to CTB. I have no other choice. i feel trapped. I hope I have parents that actually care for me in the next life.

 

[sadman1897]

Due to poor decisions , regrets , about to get fired . Lived a shit life and now I'm paying for it

 

[birthdayboy]

Due to poor decisions , regrets , about to get fired . Lived a shit life and now I'm paying for it

I've been there. I ended up in jail a couple times and got fired too due to my alcohol abuse, which was my way of coping with my situation at the time.

So yeah, I've made poor decisions as well. I understand.

 

[badatparties]

I want to escape humanity.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My first thoughts of suicide- aged 10 were bacause of intense bullying by a family member. I would term it abuse. Lots of psychological crap. Not so much physical violence.

I'm not meaning to oversimplify this here but- I get the strong sense your life could be so different without this guy. Is it because you truly don't want to leave him or, that you are terrified to? And, if you're scared- it absolutely sounds understandable. This guy sounds volatile and potentially violent. Maybe he hasn't hit you but smashing stuff up is a violent act. Plus- all the verbally abusive stuff going on. And, it's well known that the most dangerous time for the victim of an abusive partner is when they try to leave.

That all said, there must be charities that help people in these sorts of situations. Sadly, they are far from uncommon now. Things like restraining orders may try to keep you safe. Do you have evidence of any of his abuse? But then, collecting it is risky.

I just feel sad because, I could picture your life being so different away from him. My life did definitely improve when I left home but then- that was admittedly, so much easier for me- going to uni.

I'm not madly keen on pro-life perspectives but I suppose it's sad when we can imagine another path for someone. But then, I can understand that it can seem too difficult sometimes. I just wonder if you got the proper support though- case workers etc. Even this friend you mentioned. I bet they'd love to rescue you away from this guy.

Obviously ignore this if it's too personal. I'm always curious with abusive relationships though. Do you remember when it started? Was he very different at the start? Did he love bomb initially- be overly attentive and kind? Do you feel like his actions are escalating? That's my major concern. I think sometimes these people start off with smaller acts- slamming doors, breaking stuff- to test the waters of what they can get away with.

I had a childhood friend once who ended up in an abusive relatiinship. She was on crutches when we met. He had thrown her down and stamped on her ankle and broken it- because she had knocked something over while hoovering. She told me- the first time a man hits you- leave. She felt stuck though. She had a child with him. Naturally, everyone was worried sick about her. I wonder what eventually happened. It wouldn't surprise me to hear he'd killed her. I just wish everyone in these situations felt the strength to leave.