Does anyone else want to ctb because they have an urge to get better, but also moments they don't want to and just die?

[Squiddy]

I keep going back and forth between wanting to get better and wanting to ctb and it's so annoying. I wish I could be completely hopeful, but nope. I wish I had the courage to take SN.

 

[LastWhisper]

Definitely yes. It's like a vicious circle, I'm really tired of that.

 

[enuff]

ya, all the time. I'm maybe successful one day, then fuck up everything the next. It's very annoying. but that light at the end of the tunnel may be a trian coming. aaahh, opportunity knocks..

 

[CrazyMary]

Yes, specially when things semms to get better and then suddenly get worse and the better. Crazy rollercoaster called life.

 

[DeathBecomesHer ☠]

Holy jesus, yes!

 

[DeathNoot]

I'm in limbo

 

[Jellyfish42]

Happening with me right now. I think it's the survival instinct at play here. These intense swings in mindset and mood seem to be the result of my mind fighting itself to make a decision.

Im trying my best to suppress it internally because I don't have the desire for recovery anymore.

 

[Meditation guide]

If I had one tiny bit of a real hope for getting better it would make all the difference but there is zero chance of that happening.

 

[Lupgevif]

Not anymore. I've given up on getting better. Now I just wanna die because I don't want to keep trying to get better.

 

[LonelyNick]

I should go to the ER for my gallblader but if I don't it'll burst and I'll die. I need to go to the dentist for a cavity but it could get infected and I could die. I'm just letting things go hoping they'll kill me.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Once in a while I get a huge boost of motivation and inflated self confidence but reality usually sets in pretty quickly to remind me why it's hopeless.

 

[Nymph]

More like between wanting instant death to being emotionless and just existing. I never really had the urge to get better

 

[Ghost2211]

I have periods of recovery as well, but I seem to always crash again. I feel like the suicidal portions of the cycle are longer than the recovery ones.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

Yep, every now and then there's an up and I get some hope, but the downs are much more frequent and longer. I know nobody is happy all the time, but I wonder what it must be like to have the "ups" just be the norm.

 

[k75]

The worst is when I realize deep down I secretly don't even want to feel better anymore so I can just end it already. I don't feel like that all the time, but it's happening more and more these days.

 

[chrisbate7]

Yes and the constant shifts between being sure I need to kill myself and then second guessing that the next hour or day is driving me insane. Also, not sure I can actually carry out the suicide even if I know it's necessary.

 

[LenkaX]

I don't even have urge to get better. I know that CTB would be the ultimate and good solution. But I can't do it due to SI.

 

[Lithium]

I want to ctb cause I can't get better..

 

[LenkaX]

The worst is when I realize deep down I secretly don't even want to feel better anymore so I can just end it already. I don't feel like that all the time, but it's happening more and more these days.

Yeah, I have this feeling too. I feel like I have been broken beyond repair for too long... I don't even remember how is it not to be constantly depressive and suicidal.

 

[muffin222]

Yes. I'm constantly on an emotional rollercoaster, swinging from anguish to glimmers of hope

 

[itachi of death]

I keep going back and forth between wanting to get better and wanting to ctb and it's so annoying. I wish I could be completely hopeful, but nope. I wish I had the courage to take SN.

this sounds like my life

 

[Asingletwig]

The title describes how I am everyday and im so fucking tired I just want to end it.

 

[albino_elk]

The title describes how I am everyday and im so fucking tired I just want to end it.

SI is bad :D.. it would be much better if SI could kick before fuck up,not after everyting is lost and forgotten xd...

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I'm having regular intense swings at the moment, regularly heartbroken about the damage I'd do to my other half. When I'm most suicidal I feel like she's selfish for not letting me die, enough that I feel I'm entitled to go. But when I'm a bit less suicidal, I can imagine her criticizing me, calling me selfish, saying she'd have held on for me if the situation were reversed. Protecting her is the only reason I haven't tried to CTB in a while, I hate it, I desperately just want to be gone already

 

[Squiddy]

Ugh someone make the cycle stop. In the downswing where I feel like I have to. My mind is like "there's no hope for you. Just do it while you can. Maybe you'll get to see your uncle if there is an afterlife"

 

[Squiddy]

Having another one of those moments where I just feel the need to ctb especially after what my nurse practitioner said I might have from a side effect of my meds. I'm also crushed by my ex favorite person and feel like there's no use living without her :( hoping this feeling goes away soon...

 

[Yiyo123]

I've always feel like i'm not entitle to get better or simply be happy. It's an emotional pain that doesn't go away. I'm tired of feeling like this and no matter how much I try to get out of this ... I ended up being more depressed.

 

[Squiddy]

I've always feel like i'm not entitle to get better or simply be happy. It's an emotional pain that doesn't go away. I'm tired of feeling like this and no matter how much I try to get out of this ... I ended up being more depressed.

I feel this 100% :( when things seem like they're getting better, it takes 10 steps back and I end up fucked...