Discussion Does anyone else use CTB as a reassurance?

[jisatsuko]

Okay, the title is weird, but I'll explain from my perspective.

Ever since my mental health started deteriorating (or to put short, I became constantly depressed), little things upset me. It could be someone leaving mid-conversation to talk to someone, people lightly teasing me about something, or cashiers not being able to hear me and having to come near the counter to hear me better, I just burst into tears. It's never been like this, usually I don't even cry for multiple years, but I've been gradually been crying more and more easily.
I feel like a huge baby and it's very embarrassing.
The only way to compose myself and not start crying in public is to chant mentally in my head on how I'll be dead soon, or think of my CTB plan, even how nothing's going to matter in a few years. I completely plague my thoughts with CTB. This works, I feel better, and I'm immediately composed 44 minutes ago
CTB makes me feel better instantly, the thought of dying is so refreshing to me.
Usually, if this doesn't make me feel better, then I self-harm later, but this is rare when it doesn't work. This is probably a horrible cycle I'm letting happen to me, but it's not like it'll matter in the end.


Am I just sick in the head or does anyone else do this?

 

[Deleted member 23009]

You have nothing to be embarrassed for!

I relate a lot to reassurance through ctb, I do it quite frequently myself. No idea if it's a really healthy behavior but it makes me feel a lot more at ease and I am able to have less worry about things. The feeling is so refreshing and I feel more free and calm.
Been doing it for a few years by now.

 

[dropdeadfred]

Definitely my biggest coping mechanism as of late.

 

[deepseaburrito]

I totally relate to crying easily because of deteriorating mh and the feeling of humiliation that can come with it, you're not alone on that! Thinking of CTB is sometimes a coping mechanism, it takes away the urgency of certain situations and makes me think "eh, I'll be dead anyway so it doesn't even matter"

 

[dysfunctional]

Yeah its a huge crutch for me. My mental health is so bad and my life so fucked... Remembering I can end it is all I really have.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

It's the only option I feel like I have left for relief. I'm planning years or decades ahead but I know it's still unhealthy. I owe someone the effort to stay alive and this is the best Incan manage. No way in hell can I imagine living a full natural life by this country's standard so the best I can do is plan on leaving CTB for as long as possible, not making it too easy for myself but being prepared enough so when shit hits the fan and I'm suffering unbearably I can just go

 

[Silvermorning]

These last months I have felt completely humilliated , been going thru some really awful stuff, my only way to deal with it, without losing completely my mind has been to dissasociate , to embrace the darkness and laugh at my own tragedy, as if all of this was a big grand karmic joke at my expense, but that in the end wont matter.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

These last months I have felt completely humilliated , been going thru some really awful stuff, my only way to deal with it, without losing completely my mind has been to dissasociate , to embrace the darkness and laugh at my own tragedy, as if all of this was a big grand karmic joke at my expense, but that in the end wont matter.

I've never really understood how someone can laugh at their own tragedy but I guess it's better than not

 

[Raminiki]

I have no control over the state of the world. Having control over myself is my only relief. Knowing there's a way out if things deteriorate beyond bearable is the only way I keep going.

And I hear you on the emotional lability. I'm the same, cry at the tiniest stressor and avoid all social interaction as a result. I also employ the 'what does it matter, I can end it when I need to' in order to endure misfortune and misery. It gives me some semblance of calm and stability in the general chaos of existence.

 

[Stick]

I have no control over the state of the world. Having control over myself is my only relief.

Exactly how it is for me. I can think of the things I need to do as a waiting game instead of something important. A way to pass time instead of a decision.

 

[BeHope]

I'm the same. It's comforting and it doesn't hurt anyone so why should it matter whether it's supposedly "sick" or not? For me personally, I like to daydream about my own personal Heaven that I would wake up in after I die, not so much the actual dying bit, even though I don't believe in such a place.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

CTB is the only solution that has a decent probability of success if I do my research. Other ideas, such as reaching out, therapy, meds, socializing, hobbies, exercising, have already been tried and failed. I'm tired of trying, tired of failing. So even as I'm overwhelmed doing my parents' work, frustrated in the half-ass job paid professionals do, and disappointed in people's actions regarding covid and racism, though I just want to sleep and escape, I try to focus my eyes on the prize: suicide. Then, I'll be free--forever. That is my only long-term solace.

I don't think pro-lifers No-Choice Absolutists (NCAs) realize how much I value a permanent solution. And with NCAs minimizing issues down to a single, temporary problem, I've turned off my ears to them, especially as I see the world not getting better. As one doctor said, "(para) I wish we would spend less in new medications and spend more on figuring out why society sucks so much." That's depressing, but Suicide is my Solace.

 

[Pho3nix]

I find the thought that life ends very comforting. My biggest fear would be that death doesn't really exist. Like you I use the thought of CTB as a coping mechanism. It seems to be the only thing we're in control of at the end of the day.

IMO there's nothing sick or terrible about the way we think at all. At least we're realistic and not acting like the world is full of unicorns farting rainbows.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I relate. I want life to work out so bad but I know if things cannot change then I will ctb...and it brings me comfort.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

All the time. I'm doing it right now.

 

[currylover]

Literally do this all the time. When something goes wrong at work: oh i'll ctb soon I don't need to worry about it. I have an exam coming up: oh, I dont need to worry about the grade i'll be gone before I even graduate. It sucks.

 

[Gnip]

"I would feel real trapped in this life if I didn't know I could commit suicide at any time" ~ Hunter S. Thompson (The Good Doctor's own suicide note to his wife read, "No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun -- for anybody. You are getting Greedy. Act your age. Relax -- This won't hurt."

 

[laserfocus111]

Can totally understand you. Am facing a lawsuit right now and whenever things get worse I think of CTB as a back up "final solution".

 

[muffin222]

Absolutely. I find enormous comfort and serenity in knowing that I can escape this cruel world any time I want to

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I do the same thing. It's very easy to calm myself down when I remind myself that I have SN now and I can use it if things get bad enough. It feels nice to have it as a backup.

 

[greyhound]

Yeah the most terrifying thing to me is the thought of having to live out the remainder of my natural life.