Does anyone else self sabotage themselves to hopefully CTB?

[hoping to lose hope]

Does anyone else just do things which are totally stupid to make their life worse in hopes of pushing themselves to die?
Also do you ever try to desensitize yourself so you are able to go through with harming yourself when CTB?

 

[LastWhisper]

Aww yes, I do so much stupid things and such to completely destroy my life to remove any chance to return back. The funny thing is that even before I finally decided to ctb, I liked to act like this, so I'm doing this all the time in my whole life (but now with even more diligence). For some reason I just like when things in my life getting worse, especially when you think it can't be more worse and then it gets.

 

[sadworld]

I don't care about many things which automatically makes my life a bit worse. I feel like self sabotaging myself is actually not bad to overcome SI.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I'm allowed to smoke so I've been smoking lots recently hoping to get cancer which I know, it's a very slow process.
Anyway, I should be able to CTB sometime during next year. (when I win my freedom back)

 

[death137]

Yes I did and still do. But I'm still alive. I've told myself instead of creating desperate situations in the hope to ctb I should just say I will ctb at this day and do it whether I feel a little better or scared in the last day. I need to be discipline.

 

[_Kaira_]

Yep. Whether it be intentional or not is questionable though.

 

[Meditation guide]

I can't help not caring about things like I used to. I'm trying hard not to self sabotage but it's not easy.

 

[mrease]

yep. taking more risks.

 

[Kat!]

I don't do it purposely, but it just ends up happening.
As for desensitizing, I do this, but I suggest the gun you plan on ctb with, don't fire it, ever.
If you know the effects of the gun it might turn you off from ever using it.
Definitely maintain it though.

 

[Secrets1]

Hell the fuck yes.

Amongst other things, the police fucked me over but didn't realize idgaf about living. So now I'm stirring shit up with city officials, spreading the word and seeking some justice.

 

[demuic]

Things in my life always just go wrong on their own.

 

[Mr2005]

I'm making it as easy as possible because it's not a case of wanting to do it it's a case of having to do it and why's that? Self sabotage. I was doing it before I knew that's what I was doing. Now as much as it pains me it has to end. There was never any other outcome. I wish I could change it but I can't so instead I'm not taking my pills or doing anything I enjoy. I'm only doing what needs doing before I can die but since I've stopped taking my pills that's incredibly difficult. Other people want me to take them again to make the time we've got left easier for them but it doesn't make it easier for me

 

[foxdie]

Every. Single. Day.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

2 days before I turned 40 I was diagnosed with advanced for age emphysema. It's been a ride. In 2017 before my older son died, I saw my lung doc. Haven't seen him since. But back than he said I was 50% through stage 3 and if I continued to smoke I wouldn't live to see 50. I turned 49 in Oct. Since my son died in 2017 I do not use my lung inhalers or my breathing treatments and I smoke 3x as much as before. I had full respiratory failure in 2013 from cold germs and my emphysema landed me on life support. Docs told my older son back than I wouldn't live. So having these years since 2013 has been more than the docs said I'd have.

Anyway, self harm by failing to use my medications and smoking 3x as much as I did in hopes to have another respiratory failure. I now have a DNR so they have to let me die. My lungs have been bad and getting worse. Walking to the kitchen I'm having issues breathing. I get hypoxia a lot from the emphysema. I get whats called exacerbations- a worsening of my condition. When it happens ( I've been having one for over a month) usually I have to stay in the hospital with IV steroids. This exacerbation I'm letting it run it's course and not taking any meds for it. It sucks having breathing issues sometimes just sitting and not being able to get enough oxygen.

 

[agreement]

Destroyed my health, at this point it's most likely that a an heart attack will take me before I CTB

 

[I screwed up]

I screw up things whether I try or not ... I just fuxk most things up

 

[Gerard de Nerval]

I typically get self destructive when I'm feeling close to ctb. I make sure to do the least harm to others by distancing myself, which is difficult because I'm very close to friends and lovers to the point of complete transparency. When I become opaque it's a stark difference.