Discussion Does anyone else only feel any form of relief from considering ctb?

[babayaga]

The only time I ever feel as if there is any "relief" is when I'm seriously looking into methods, it will stop anxiety and depression for up to days at a time while I am at peace thinking it could all be over. Then I get busy with things I don't care about and the negative feelings build and its just a cycle now. Anyone else in the same or similar boats?

 

[Zegers]

Same. Setting up the method is my purpose.

 

[BornHated]

Yeah, been stuck this way a while now.
I've gone to therapy for years, there's not much when the only person in your life has really bad intentions for you and won't let you survive on your own. It genuinely feels like I'd be safer if I'm dead than working towards any foreseeable future I can have at the moment.

 

[Zero Two]

Yes absolutely! Antidepressants never helped, therapy never helped, so thinking theres a way out of this cruel world and this suffering gives me so much peace.

 

[cami]

me too. im a pretty anxious person and i feel like im in control when im planning.

 

[CentreMid]

Yes. The thought of being dead and not having to suffer anymore makes me feel oddly calm.

 

[enough of this]

I feel GREAT relief from considering it. Especially knowing my consciousness will live on without any pain, negativity or concerns. And that my ethereal body will be perfect, and I can manifest anything I want just by thinking about it. It's hard to wait for something like that.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

sometimes intense fear other times intense happiness

 

[The anhedonic one]

Yes, absolutely.
Thinking of CTB in the near future is very comforting to me.
It makes life even more pointless and meaningless than it really is.
Which is a good thing.

I can live life without a care in the world knowing that nothing really matters and that I shall be at peace soon.

 

[babayaga]

sometimes intense fear other times intense happiness

really? i never feel any fear from the idea of the act, only from the idea of it failing and being left in intense pain adding to the list of reasons i dont wanna be here lol

 

[Sid19]

Oddly enough whenever I think of ctb I feel calm and much better, emotionally. Thinking about not having to live anymore, this hellish life gives me a mind of calmness.

 

[girlsboysthems]

some girls plan their perfect wedding, perfect life, perfect family and that brings them joy. i plan the perfect suicide and that makes me happy and releases the tension. it just a way of coping.

 

[leftdreaming]

Yeah, I think it's how I've gotten to this point tbh. Was always a sort of "escape hatch" in the recesses of my brain, now it's at that point where I want to escape.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel relief when I realise one day (hopefully soon) it will all just be over. That's immediately followed by frustration though- because I don't feel like I can do it now. I feel like I have to hang on for my Dad. Then anxiety- because- during that time, I'm going to have to support myself and make it through as best I can. Then, I feal fear and worry about the actual act of doing it. Will I get the courage together? Will I be able to do it before I have to face some things I'd much rather avoid (seeing a suspected narcissistic family member again.) WTF will happen if I fail the attempt?!! Plus- just the nitty gritty lethargic dread of having to prepare everything. So- yeah- the basic concept of- I could be free of this shit is wonderful- but the steps to get there are NEARLY as daunting as trying to live out the rest of my ridiculous life.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's undeniable that the only relief in this world could ever lie in being permanently free from everything, suicide certainly is self care as it's the only way to escape from such a dreadful, pointless existence and prevent all unnecessary suffering in the process. The problem is how we cannot just reliably exit this world in peace, I hate how we exist in a world where other people wish to make us prisoners to this existence until we die anyway.

But it's true that existing is so torturous and that the true problem lies in existence itself, existence was a terrible mistake in the first place and there could never be any peace in such a harmful and chaotic world where all that we are destined for is to inevitably be tormented by old age. To me the only peace could ever exist in the ideal state of non-existence where one is completely unaware for all eternity.

 

[painmustend]

I feel the same way! I have BPD and planning to ctb and everything around it is one of my most useful skills. It helps me to gain control over my thinking again and really calms me down

 

[Galaxie76]

Yes, I feel the same way. I'll soon have everything I need for CTB. It's a great feeling that I can leave at any time - that I only live voluntarily and not because I have to and I have nothing more to lose.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't really know whether I feel a form a relief considering CTB or not. To me it was always clear that suicide is an option I would take should certain life circumstances occur and should this be my true desire then. Besides that I have a method chosen long ago already. Yes it's relieving in a way to know that I could do it almost at any time I want to.

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

knowing my consciousness will live on without any pain, negativity or concerns. And that my ethereal body will be perfect, and I can manifest anything I want just by thinking about it.

These are my beliefs too. Although I don't just "believe in" them, I know they're true; it's true, I feel it in my heart that's the way it is. And it seems logical to me. However, right now I'm human and I think it's natural that I do feel some fear about the whole process of dying and the Other Side. But nonetheless, I know deep in my soul that when we leave this life, we go back Home, our loving original Home

 

[carac]

I would just give one warning about developing too much of a "if things get worse I can always ctb" mindset. If you fail your attempt it can leave you in a really terrifying place.

 

[Haruka]

Knowing that I can attempt to CTB and potentially even have it work for me is a great relief to me. I want to leave ASAP, but I am sure that I won't be here past 23, so that makes me very glad

 

[Kera]

With me it is completely different. I feel even more fear, anger and sadness that it has even come to this point to think about CTB. The constant fear of failure weighs heavily on me. If it were a doctor-assisted suicide, I would be very relieved.

 

[Jolene79]

I feel Sick thinking of the misery it would leave for two close people who don't deserve it. I wish so much for a natural fast death.

If I had N or something like that then I think there'd definitely be some relief and calm. But every available option is hideous to me. Hanging, jumping all of these are hideous and violent and I don't want to leave a legacy that way. I'm still coming to terms with the reality that an OD is highly ineffective

 

[enough of this]

These are my beliefs too. Although I don't just "believe in" them, I know they're true; it's true, I feel it in my heart that's the way it is. And it seems logical to me. However, right now I'm human and I think it's natural that I do feel some fear about the whole process of dying and the Other Side. But nonetheless, I know deep in my soul that when we leave this life, we go back Home, our loving original Home

YES, Absolutely. I have some nervousness about it, too. However, there's so much consistency in the near-death experience accounts about people knowing they're finally home, and how wonderful it is, my nervousness wanes as my excitement about making my transition into the non-physical realm, waxes. I'm so looking forward to it.

 

[Shaylla1998]

I feel relieved and comforted when I think about and plan my CTB.