Venting Does anyone else occasionally fantasize about killing/hurting themselves in front of the person that hurt them?

[FadingPossum]

It's dark and probably horrific and I feel gross even typing it out but. Yeah.

I don't want to physically harm the other person, just make them understand what they're putting me through. I feel chronically misunderstood and underestimated when I tell others how much pain I'm in or how much pain they've put me through.

I get told I'm being "dramatic" or that "you're letting the bad thoughts win" but I'm never told "I see how much you are hurting" or "your feelings are valid and I'm sorry for contributing to them".

It's not like I want them to fucking bend down and kiss my feet or anything. Just understand the gravity of what I'm feeling because of their words or actions.

When it gets really bad, I imagine having all of them together in a zoom call and then blowing my brains out on camera right in front of them. Then they won't underestimate what they've done anymore.

I'm disgusting. It's all because of RSD and shit that I did to myself but I'm just never fucking satisfied. Maybe that's just what a childhood full of chronic invalidation does to a person.

 

[meowmeowkitty]

No i understand, I have fantasies about killing myself in front of people or the people the have wronged me as well; usually out of frustration or angry in that moment.. but still. Especially the thought of killing myself to prove a point, or to prove that i'm strong enough to go through with it. i still battle these thoughts today.. I'm trying my best not to dwell bc i know my thoughts can be completely different than reality but i have found myself having more dark and disturbing thoughts… maybe try meditation or something, feel free to pm. wish you the best in the future.

 

[LigottiSchopenhauer]

Absolutely. I think it's only natural. Personally, I'd love to CTB in front of the "therapist" I had who broke my confidentiality by telling my mom that I was suicidal. Unfortunately, it's not possible for the vast majority of us. All we can do is take comfort in the fact that we each have autonomy over our own lives, and those who have hurt us can't control the decisions we make from now on.

 

[Touhou]

It's likely that the people that hurt you simply wouldn't care. Them underestimating your struggles is a telltale sign of someone without empathy & seeing you splatter your brains all over the wall wouldn't change that.

 

[hallowed_]

Absolutely. You're not being dramatic, it's just that they probably can't/don't understand. I'm not downplaying their life experiences and what the ppl who say that May have gone through, but what gives them the right to downplay YOUR pain? Honestly when people hurt you it's almost natural to wish revenge or to wish for such individual to feel or see what they have come to do to you. And for us imaginative people we often end up fantasying abt it. And I don't thinks there's anything wrong with that as long as it's helping you mentally recover/ cope with the pain that they inflicted upon you.

 

[Archness]

Yea same. I rly don't like mother, v.common to think abt hurting/killing her, tho things won't get that bad, unless she gets worse.

Sometimes I consider ctb'ing in front of her. I'll do it if/when she supports it out of hate/disgust.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

You have the mentality of a suicide bomber. Except unlike some awful terrorist who'll be blowing up a stranger, you're going down with someone who (actually has) caused harm to you, who genuinely hates or is apathetic to your suffering.

many look down upon this with shock and dishonor.
But i see it as one hell of a way to die.

 

[Moon1234]

No

 

[Forever Sleep]

No- because I believe they are a narcissist- so they would probably enjoy it! People like that WANT to see you in pain. Maybe self inflicted visceral pain would be too much for them but I wonder if there wouldn't be just a flicker of excitement that they'd finally driven you to it...

 

[ipomoeaalba]

id love to just fucking blow my brains out in front of him . maybe then hed actually feel bad

 

[TAW122]

Perhaps when I was much younger, like in my 20's or so, but only a passive thought and not actively. For starters, I believe this would not only compromise my plan to CTB reliably due to the external pressures to do so, have (little or) no room for error, and just additional complications for doing so. Furthermore, as @Forever Sleep said, it would only feed into those who are narcissists. I believe the people who have harmed me (not all, but a fair amount of them) are at least narcissistic in nature, so my death would not really do much towards them. My main aim is to check out and be free of suffering, first and foremost.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Personally I wouldn't do that but I don't want to judge anyone that does that either.

Completing ctb is very personal to me and it's not something I would want to broadcast anyway.

 

[Arachno]

I do, quite often.

 

[Ashu]

Especially after one of our horrible soul-draining fights, I sometimes fantasize about blowing my brains out in front of my wife, or about her finding me hanging shortly afterwards. But this isn't how it's ever gonna happen.

 

[Redhat83]

Uh sort of but it's more being found by a particular person sometimes I think about hurting myself in front of random people or friends just to see how they'd react

 

[lachrymost]

Your whole post is so relatable. I wish everybody would shut the hell up with their "you're not giving yourself permission to feel better" and "you need to focus on the good things instead of being a doomer all the time" and "there are two wolves inside you; feed the cool one". SHUT THE HELL UP. You try "focusing on the positive" and distracting yourself when you are being WATERBOARDED EVERY INSUFFERABLE WAKING INSTANT. (This is the part where they try to tackle the gun out of my mouth but I'm too quick, exploding all over them and giving them PTSD for life.)

Haha yeah. I get really unhinged with it. It's always the psychiatrist who ruined my life and didn't give a shit that I picture doing it in front of, and sometimes the fantasy extends to her desperately trying to kill herself because of the guilt, yadda yadda. It's a power-reclaiming fancy... A nice thought, but I wouldn't want to go out of my way to hurt anyone IRL.

There was that blogger who killed herself with SN (?) in front of staff in the psych ward. She swallowed it in front of them (even though she wasn't supposed to be allowed to open her own mail, apparently--LOL) and told them it was protein powder. I'm sorry, but this is such a power move. I can't help but be in awe.

 

[sometimes.sometimes]

Sadly, yes, and I have done it before. Last year, I attempted to CTB in front of my mom and my sister after they told me to kill myself. I did it in front of them, and they just cheered me on, only stopping after they realized that they will look horrible. They sent me to a hospital that abused me after that, which was well-known in the area that they were abusive and neglectful. They said, after that, "We did it so you would learn discipline."

I continued to self-harm in front of others for a while after that. Over the past couple of months, I have stopped just slipping up once in a blue moon. I now just do it in private, but everyone has been noticing cuts on me after something bad happens to me no matter if I try to cover it or not.

I feel guilty most of the time when I remember I did that.

 

[Old snake]

Yeah, Though I have never done it. But I sometimes imagine they're reaction to my body would be kicking it and disrespecting it instead of sobbing and guilt. So If I ever do go through with it I would prefer my body have peace instead of being toyed around with.

 

[Lloydbro]

I definitely understand this feeling

 

[TorturedEnough]

I feel more or less the same. It's understandable to feel that way.

 

[iori011x3]

i feel you. sometimes i feel like the people who've hurt me won't take my feelings seriously until it's the end yknow

 

[Iwillhavepeace]

You think they'd care?