Does anyone else hit themselves?

[RedRed]

I no longer cut myself with a blade since it scares me now for some reason. I just hit myself especially when I'm angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I punch myself in the legs, slap myself, pinch myself hard, and scratch my arms. Since I don't really know how to handle my anger because I hardly get angry or feel any emotion so intense. I'm usually very...I don't know the term...empty? I'm just here. So my emotions as well r just...here. I can't explain it. But I'm usually very composed.

I've never been to a therapist/psychologist before because they scare me, so I'm undiagnosed. But I feel like I have depression and some anxiety. Or maybe I'm just acting I dont really know. It makes me feel very guilty because I might be just acting. I don't have financial problems, any serious illness, my family (though with flaws) are okay. Maybe it's the stress.

Does anyone do this and feel the same? I feel like I don't deserve to be here in this site because...I don't know. I may be masquerading shit.

I'm sorry I didn't realize I'm already venting. And I apologize that my post seems uncertain and full of confusion. I don't understand myself very well nowadays. Anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk ahahaha

 

[Disappointered]

I have felt a lot of self-hatred and wanted to punish myself by slapping myself on occasion.

 

[in hell out soon]

Last time I cut myself it was with a pizza cutter because it was the sharpest thing I had to hand and looking at it reminded me of all the times I'd get called pizza face. (I'm fat and get acne a lot. Yes. Very original insult back in high school. I still think about it and I'm 24 now...).

I'd done it because a lot was going on yeah. But I felt like I needed to punish myself at the time.

It was a few months ago... I'd been clean if cutting behaviour for a very long time and I'd disappointed myself by relapsing on some

but I've never stopped hitting myself. So I'm not completely from SI. But it was baby steps. I compound it further - I'm autistic. Self injury (in the many forms I do it) is often the only relief of sorts from sensory overload or generally shitty things and it's... still not ideal.

my most common method is to try and quiet all of the bees in my brain by repeatedly smashing my head into walls and other very hard things. I often give myself knots, migraines and possibly brain damage from them. I can never do it hard enough to draw blood - I'm too much of a weakling - but I'm hoping one day I hit my head so hard it goes quiet in there for good. And maybe I'll get to die peacefully in my sleep...

I've been to therapy. It just makes things louder in my head. It makes me feel worse because I hear so many stories of it helping other people but they never know how to help me and I know the only way to help me is to kill me. But that's not what they want to hear. Phone therapy was unreliable and real life therapy... well, corona hit but even before that it wasn't really working that well. It gave me a few coping strategies to pass the time until I can get a reliable method so I can do it right but otherwise it's been unhelpful.

Take it from me though - if you've gotten to the point of self injury and your concern is to hide it first, then that's genuine depression. Impostor syndromes a bitch, i know it, and even when you're diagnosed it doesn't really go away. I have suicide attempts under my belt I've been diagnosed and nearly institutionalised on several occasions and I still often feel like I'm a faker.

an official diagnosis is... pretty much just paper in someone's records somewhere. You know how you feel - don't let anyone else define that for you.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I no longer cut myself with a blade since it scares me now for some reason. I just hit myself especially when I'm angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I punch myself in the legs, slap myself, pinch myself hard, and scratch my arms.

I did this when I was in my adolescence. I was fascinated by the marks left behind after a whip from metal coat hangers to be specific. It was more fascinating than focusing on pain.

 

[RedRed]

Last time I cut myself it was with a pizza cutter because it was the sharpest thing I had to hand and looking at it reminded me of all the times I'd get called pizza face. (I'm fat and get acne a lot. Yes. Very original insult back in high school. I still think about it and I'm 24 now...).

I'd done it because a lot was going on yeah. But I felt like I needed to punish myself at the time.

It was a few months ago... I'd been clean if cutting behaviour for a very long time and I'd disappointed myself by relapsing on some

but I've never stopped hitting myself. So I'm not completely from SI. But it was baby steps. I compound it further - I'm autistic. Self injury (in the many forms I do it) is often the only relief of sorts from sensory overload or generally shitty things and it's... still not ideal.

my most common method is to try and quiet all of the bees in my brain by repeatedly smashing my head into walls and other very hard things. I often give myself knots, migraines and possibly brain damage from them. I can never do it hard enough to draw blood - I'm too much of a weakling - but I'm hoping one day I hit my head so hard it goes quiet in there for good. And maybe I'll get to die peacefully in my sleep...

I've been to therapy. It just makes things louder in my head. It makes me feel worse because I hear so many stories of it helping other people but they never know how to help me and I know the only way to help me is to kill me. But that's not what they want to hear. Phone therapy was unreliable and real life therapy... well, corona hit but even before that it wasn't really working that well. It gave me a few coping strategies to pass the time until I can get a reliable method so I can do it right but otherwise it's been unhelpful.

Take it from me though - if you've gotten to the point of self injury and your concern is to hide it first, then that's genuine depression. Impostor syndromes a bitch, i know it, and even when you're diagnosed it doesn't really go away. I have suicide attempts under my belt I've been diagnosed and nearly institutionalised on several occasions and I still often feel like I'm a faker.

an official diagnosis is... pretty much just paper in someone's records somewhere. You know how you feel - don't let anyone else define that for you.

When you said that you smash your head into walls, I suddenly remembered that I used to do this. I stopped because my parents heard me and scolded me. Ahahah

I'm both happy and sad that you understand me. I always feel lonely because I always think that no one can understand me. Ofc that's not true, but I just can't help but feel it. Thank you for replying to my post. I feel a bit less alone today ahahah

I did this when I was in my adolescence. I was fascinated by the marks left behind after a whip from metal coat hangers to be specific. It was more fascinating than focusing on pain.

I guess it's a pretty good distraction as well. But you already stopped right?

 

[elfgyoza]

I no longer cut myself with a blade since it scares me now for some reason. I just hit myself especially when I'm angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I punch myself in the legs, slap myself, pinch myself hard, and scratch my arms. Since I don't really know how to handle my anger because I hardly get angry or feel any emotion so intense. I'm usually very...I don't know the term...empty? I'm just here. So my emotions as well r just...here. I can't explain it. But I'm usually very composed.

I've never been to a therapist/psychologist before because they scare me, so I'm undiagnosed. But I feel like I have depression and some anxiety. Or maybe I'm just acting I dont really know. It makes me feel very guilty because I might be just acting. I don't have financial problems, any serious illness, my family (though with flaws) are okay. Maybe it's the stress.

Does anyone do this and feel the same? I feel like I don't deserve to be here in this site because...I don't know. I may be masquerading shit.

I'm sorry I didn't realize I'm already venting. And I apologize that my post seems uncertain and full of confusion. I don't understand myself very well nowadays. Anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk ahahaha

I feel like you just wrote about me.. haha
I'm really disconnected from my emotions, I'd describe it as feeling empty so I don't realise how angry or stressed I am until it peaks. At that point I'd probably punch myself in the head or, if I'm alone, cut.
I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, although I doubt the diagnosis sometimes, and I think the whole 'not recognising emotions' thing can be part of it.

For the record, I didn't feel like I 'deserved' to be depressed either, I had a pretty good childhood. But I realised that if I wasn't depressed, I probably wouldn't be questioning whether I was or not...
We all have different reasons for being here, it doesn't matter if you have more or less trauma than others, as long as you're supportive

 

[_Kaira_]

Yes, I punch the side of my face when I'm so emotionally out of control I have to do SOMETHING. I wanted to cut again, but if I get caught they're going to call cops on me.

Now even, if I get caught hitting myself, they threaten to call on me anyway. Lol. Can't have any outlet for my pain it seems. They know I fear going back to any of those places again. Suffer quietly, or suffer some more....lol.

 

[Panna]

I no longer cut myself with a blade since it scares me now for some reason. I just hit myself especially when I'm angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I punch myself in the legs, slap myself, pinch myself hard, and scratch my arms. Since I don't really know how to handle my anger because I hardly get angry or feel any emotion so intense. I'm usually very...I don't know the term...empty? I'm just here. So my emotions as well r just...here. I can't explain it. But I'm usually very composed.

Does anyone do this and feel the same? I feel like I don't deserve to be here in this site because...I don't know. I may be masquerading shit.

All the time, I can't replace furniture, or possessions, and hitting people besides myself just feels wrong, so i'll punch, bite, slap and kick anywhere I can reach in order to relieve the stress. As for your thoughts on masquerading, if you don't deserve to be here, well then I don't and plenty of others here also don't. What matters is that if it helps you then who cares.

 

[Jblack]

Following practices used by Torquemada, I acquired a flogger and use it to punish myself when I feel that I have done something wrong. I think most people would find this extreme but I know that really deserve to be punished in this manner. I do think that most people would find this wrong and somewhat perverted. I do feel better about myself afterward. Knowing that I received punishment for the wrongs that I have committed.

 

[these_days9]

I do this but I'm so ashamed I feel childish that I do this instead of another "more adult" form of self harm. And then I feel even more ashamed that that's a thought I have about doing this...

 

[Soulless Angel]

I do often, if I can't cut Ill punch the hell out of myself in whatever way I can, or I slam my head into a wall

 

[TimeLawyer]

I used to hit myself in the head quite a bit when I was younger. I still do from time to time, but only when in extreme distress. I read somewhere that being hit in the head repeatedly can cause some neurological effects, which is why I try to limit it if I can, but sometimes it still ends up happening. I have switched to hitting/punching my legs or "scratching" with a blade instead of full on cutting now. Not advocating for self harm though, the only way to be completely safe is to not self harm at all but some of us have no other way to get out our pain/emotions it feels like at times and I don't judge anyone- that only heaps on more guilt and makes it worse!