Yes, very much so. Maybe not so much "true love" but at the least I'd like to experience affection and intimacy and the feeling of being cared about, the feeling of being wanted. My complete failure at that, despite years of effort to try and become attractive in spite of my ugly genetics, is the number one reason I want to end my existence.
Even when I barely began puberty, I had a deep yearning for love that over the years, eventually grew into an obsession; a purpose, one might say. At the same time, I realized that I was undesirable from a young age; that there were a lot of things wrong with me. In my naivety, my once optimistic self told me that all I had to do was work on myself and improve and that would be enough to attract someone. It wasn't until years later that I realized I was wrong. The process of courtship and mating is one that is so ingrained into how we are wired; it is literally our only purpose instilled in us by nature from birth. Billions of years of evolution to refine a filtering system for reproduction. And after all that time, our filtering system is designed to make sure those of us with facial features that don't quite make the right shapes to be attractive, are eliminated from the gene pool.
I've tried distancing myself from my race, whom are seen as unattractive in western society. I got really into lifting and bodybuilding for years. I make sure my clothes fit well, are stylish, and convey a high status. I take meticulous care of my hygiene, always have deodorant and a light spray of cologne on, get a haircut every month so it always looks its best. I come from money, so I have tried to display that by getting a nice place, a nice BMW, the latest and greatest technology, etc. I've spent countless hours studying how to display confidence and act in an attractive fashion. I've forced myself to attend many social events to build up a social circle and meet girls. I learned how to be articulate and well spoken. I joined a fraternity. I've pursued lucrative careers and have done very well in school to demonstrate success and capability. I learned handyman skills because they are seen as masculine and attractive. I even forced myself to get into hobbies seen as attractive, like playing basketball and learning the guitar. If I didn't have a butt ugly face, I would be the definition of a good catch. I put forth so much effort to portray an image of a put-together, confident, well rounded, well liked, capable, attractive, man.
Imagine my disillusionment when I realized that none of that mattered and that achieving my paramount biological prerogative and life's mission was mostly determined by the arbitrary shapes my nose, cheeks, eyes, lips and jaw make. It's ironic because I think besides that, I am a pretty genetically fit specimen. My physical health has always been great, my immune system is incredible, I consider myself very intelligent, I'm athletic, am naturally strong, taller than average, I have high social awareness, etc. But none of that matters because my facial features don't make those all important aesthetically pleasing shapes. Fuck. That. Shit.
I want love so, so badly. I refuse to live an existence where I can't accomplish the only goal in life that nature has dictated, simply because the metric for attractiveness is completely fucking arbitrary randomized bullshit that I can't do jack shit to change.
