Venting Does anyone else get physically nauseous with jealousy reading goodbye threads?

[3FailedAttemptss]

Does anyone else get this visceral, gut-wrenching physical reaction when they read a Goodbye thread? owo?

I'm currently stuck in a closed psych ward (again again again >_<), so I literally can't do anything. I can't acquire methods, I can't prepare, I can't leave. I'm just sitting here rotting T-T And when I browse SaSu and see people succeeding— acquiring their SN, setting their dates, posting their goodbyes— I don't just feel sad. I feel this insanely intense, burning jealousy. It honestly feels like it should be me. I want to be the suicider. I want to be the one leaving QwQ

It feels like a massive skill issue on my part. I'm sitting on somewhere between 10 and 20 attempts (cutting, mostly partial suspension hanging, going to train tracks), and I'm still fucking alive. I've ordered SN countless times, and I've actually had my hands on the bottle twice. But both times, my family found out and confiscated it before I could use it D: If they hadn't, I would be very certainly dead right now. Instead, I feel like the universe is actively mocking me T - T or I'm just bad at dying. I even have my own goodbye thread written up. It is literally sitting in my drafts folder right now, ready to go. Seeing others actually get to hit "post" on theirs while mine gathers dust is unbearable TwT

It's not just the CTB stuff either. Seeing other trans people on here triggers a whole separate wave of jealousy. Even though I started HRT at 22 (I'm 23 now :3) and I know logically that's a "good age" to start, half the time I just feel like a faggot in clown makeup. And being in the ward means I'm paused. I can't do electrolysis, can't save for surgeries, can't work. Seeing others progress in their transition OR their exit plan while I'm stuck here makes my heart race so fast I literally have to ask the staff for Oxazepam just to calm down >w<

I feel like a failure who is watching everyone else pass the test I keep failing. Just needed to vent because the envy is eating me alive in here.

 

[U. A.]

I can't wait to make my own goodbye thread :)

For a little while seeing goodbye threads made me feel sad and I tried to avoid them as much as possible. But now I read them and I feel happy that someone is ending their suffering and look forward to the day I'll be able to do that and make my own post here. I honestly feel really jealous of...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Does anyone else get this visceral, gut-wrenching physical reaction when they read a Goodbye thread?

Yes, but it's not jealousy.

 

[itsgone2]

I never thought of jealousy about it, but maybe now I will in the future. Mostly I find them fascinating because it's the reason we're here. Part of me must think they'll provide some answers as to what someone's mindset is or something. It's usually not that insightful though. And it's sad how quickly they get forgotten. Other threads start to get updated and someone's account of their dying just falls away.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Being stuck in a ward with zero freedom makes everything hit thousand times harder. You can't move forward with anything, so of course seeing other people do what you can't do right now messes with your head.

And you're not "bad at dying." You've just been stopped a bunch of times. That's not a skill thing. It's bad timing, people interfering, and being trapped in situations where you can't follow through. It doesn't say anything about your worth or abilities... more about how you should time everything slightly better and think things through fully before.

I've been paused on literally any progression into my transition and I'm literally not in the hospital... I'm not getting better either and I'm watching people do ctb the same way you are ... I also have envy for it ... I know eventually I'll act but for now I can't.

You're not alone in this hun.

 

[Siamese Believe]

We're all gonna make it, I promise. No matter how much time it takes. I'm still here with you, I haven't done it yet either. Hope this helps even a little. I thought I would be dead as early as 17.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Being stuck in a ward with zero freedom makes everything hit thousand times harder. You can't move forward with anything, so of course seeing other people do what you can't do right now messes with your head.

And you're not "bad at dying." You've just been stopped a bunch of times. That's not a skill thing. It's bad timing, people interfering, and being trapped in situations where you can't follow through. It doesn't say anything about your worth or abilities... more about how you should time everything slightly better and think things through fully before.

I've been paused on literally any progression into my transition and I'm literally not in the hospital... I'm not getting better either and I'm watching people do ctb the same way you are ... I also have envy for it ... I know eventually I'll act but for now I can't.

You're not alone in this hun.

You nailed it with the lack of freedom. It just makes the jealousy burn hotter because I literally can't do anything to change my situation right now T-T Hopefully, next time I can plan it better so interference isn't an issue ^^

I'm sorry you're also stuck in that transition limbo, even on the outside. It's such a specific kind of hell. I hope we both find our way out (one way or another >w< ) eventually