Does anyone else get annoyed when they start feeling a little better?

[Mbound]

I swing into hypomania sometimes (as well as of course sometimes being less depressed) and I'm honestly over both feelings at this point because it makes death feel less appealing so I can't take as much comfort in that fantasy of escape. Like I don't even want the weight to be temporarily lifted--give me that shit full on, extra strength so I can finally commit and do what i need to do once and for all. The constant swinging back and forth is exhausting.

I never feel better enough to take care of myself to the point my life might actually be worth living or truly enjoy myself in a lasting way-- just stuck in this horrible sort of limbo where I start caring about the things again I almost never care about anymore and don't completely want to die. I feel like these feelings are the reason me ctb'ing is prob gonna take years rather than months.

 

[Youthanasia]

Nah i'd kill to live a happy life.

Being a murder is no happy life though. Aaaaand then we're on a vicious cicle of suicidal thoughts

 

[Mbound]

Nah i'd kill to live a happy life.

Being a murder is no happy life though. Aaaaand then we're on a vicious cicle of suicidal thoughts

I'd kill to have a mostly happy life too, but I know it's not in the cards for me so tasting the smallest bit of it feels punishing

 

[agreement]

I swing into hypomania sometimes (as well as of course sometimes being less depressed) and I'm honestly over both feelings at this point because it makes death feel less appealing so I can't take as much comfort in that fantasy of escape. Like I don't even want the weight to be temporarily lifted--give me that shit full on, extra strength so I can finally commit and do what i need to do once and for all. The constant swinging back and forth is exhausting.

I never feel better enough to take care of myself to the point my life might actually be worth living or truly enjoy myself in a lasting way-- just stuck in this horrible sort of limbo where I start caring about the things again I almost never care about anymore and don't completely want to die. I feel like these feelings are the reason me ctb'ing is prob gonna take years rather than months.

Me too:

I swing into hypomania sometimes (as well as of course sometimes being less depressed) and I'm honestly over both feelings at this point because it makes death feel less appealing so I can't take as much comfort in that fantasy of escape. Like I don't even want the weight to be temporarily lifted--give me that shit full on, extra strength so I can finally commit and do what i need to do once and for all. The constant swinging back and forth is exhausting.

I never feel better enough to take care of myself to the point my life might actually be worth living or truly enjoy myself in a lasting way-- just stuck in this horrible sort of limbo where I start caring about the things again I almost never care about anymore and don't completely want to die. I feel like these feelings are the reason me ctb'ing is prob gonna take years rather than months.

;-)

 

[Soul]

I'd kill to have a mostly happy life too, but I know it's not in the cards for me so tasting the smallest bit of it feels punishing

I'm intrigued by your idea of a "mostly happy life". Do many people have that, do you think?
I do know what you mean about getting annoyed at feeling better. It can happen with physical illness too.

 

[Redt2go]

Honestly highly annoyed at this point. I've had 3 full brief manias and 3 long water boarding depressions in the past 12 months. I'm so over hope for the future but I try my best just to ride out the highs before I die

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, I was experiencing severe suicidal ideation just before my period started and now back to at least stable again after it begins TMI lol! It's so fucking annoying. How am I suppose to deal with this drastic change in states regularly? It's very disconcerting. Adderall at least numbed this and so I didn't notice this drastic shift as much.

Now that I'm sober the shift is much more dramatic. It's not that I'm not happy to be off adderall. In many ways I feel better physically at least. I'm not dealing with the terrible side effects. It's very scary to feel so different from one day to the next. I can't rely on myself to be consistently stable.

 

[TAW122]

Not at first, but after a while, usually some extended time (a few days or even a week or more), then I start to get annoyed a bit. Also, what annoys me is the lack of progress sometimes, but that's just me.

 

[Jen Erik]

Yeah, it's super frustrating, because I know ultimately, regardless of how good or bad I might feel, or how managed the symptoms of my mental illness are, I still need to ctb because my future is untenable for many reasons beyond just my mental health.

 

[Mbound]

I'm intrigued by your idea of a "mostly happy life". Do many people have that, do you think?
I do know what you mean about getting annoyed at feeling better. It can happen with physical illness too.

It's hard to say. I think a lot of people are good at hiding their suffering, but honestly I think most healthy young people who haven't had any major traumas in their life are "mostly happy." The people I work with, I would guess maybe 80% of them are mostly happy. Obviously I could be way off, I know no one really gets off easy in this life. Eventually you'll succumb to old age, your parents die, your pets die, you get fired, you get cheated on, you get divorced, etc. and that "mostly happy" life can get taken away in an instant.

Honestly highly annoyed at this point. I've had 3 full brief manias and 3 long water boarding depressions in the past 12 months. I'm so over hope for the future but I try my best just to ride out the highs before I die

Same! I don't want the highs anymore! They used to feel like a reprieve and now they feel like a hinderance.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I swing into hypomania sometimes (as well as of course sometimes being less depressed) and I'm honestly over both feelings at this point because it makes death feel less appealing so I can't take as much comfort in that fantasy of escape. Like I don't even want the weight to be temporarily lifted--give me that shit full on, extra strength so I can finally commit and do what i need to do once and for all. The constant swinging back and forth is exhausting.

I never feel better enough to take care of myself to the point my life might actually be worth living or truly enjoy myself in a lasting way-- just stuck in this horrible sort of limbo where I start caring about the things again I almost never care about anymore and don't completely want to die. I feel like these feelings are the reason me ctb'ing is prob gonna take years rather than months.

same but i really know there's no point in living my life so i'll ctb in one of my worse days

 

[Midnight]

I swing into hypomania sometimes (as well as of course sometimes being less depressed) and I'm honestly over both feelings at this point because it makes death feel less appealing so I can't take as much comfort in that fantasy of escape. Like I don't even want the weight to be temporarily lifted--give me that shit full on, extra strength so I can finally commit and do what i need to do once and for all. The constant swinging back and forth is exhausting.

I never feel better enough to take care of myself to the point my life might actually be worth living or truly enjoy myself in a lasting way-- just stuck in this horrible sort of limbo where I start caring about the things again I almost never care about anymore and don't completely want to die. I feel like these feelings are the reason me ctb'ing is prob gonna take years rather than months.

I relate 100% ... It's exhausting and infuriating. I need my mind to just pick the "bad" side and get it over with. I need like months on end of severe suicidality to push me over the edge with no half and half feeling ok moments in between. In the bad times i ruin my chances of getting back on track so it's going round in circles.

 

[siren]

I've been feeling a bit better lately, and i fucking hate it. I want to kms in the winter, but i'm not sure if my partner will want to wait that long. Also on a side note, my partner seems a bit (just a bit) sketchy. Anyways, I've been actually thinking about my future if i weren't to ctb. I want to feel one way or another- wanting to kms or wanting to live. But nope, I can't just fucking pick a side.

sorry for the rant

 

[Wolfjob_dayjob]

I have black and white thinking so yes, definitely.. At least get better enough to do dead lifting and get a second job or not at all... Like I'm better and trying since a user urged me to but I still haunt around here- I worry I'm too positive for here, too negative for "real" adult life.

 

[Rachel74]

I'd be elated if I felt better.