Discussion Does anyone else feel very bitter about having to CTB?

[toolateforme]

I'm hoping it's not just me. The closer I get to my CTB date, the more bitter I feel. Millions of people out there that don't have to come to forums like this. Millions of people preparing for a better life, while people like us have to prepare for death. Sometimes I'm happy because I think about how fucked up the world is, especially how fucked up it can be to people who never deserved it (i've met some amazing people on this site and it infuriates me they'd have to come here), and I think - well I don't want to be in this hellhole anyway. But then eventually I flip back to bitterness and I ponder.. why couldn't I have a 'normal' life like the millions of others that do? I keep going back and forth between acceptance and sadness/rage. Constantly asking myself, why me? Why us?

 

[Donewitheverything]

I'm not afraid to admit that I have sour grapes. There are people who can enjoy being alive, regardless of how they might have suffered. They saw the silver lining that will continue to elude me. I feel weak, hopeless, worthless... How can people who have been through worse than what I've been through still find the value of life? I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it's fucking bullshit how I'm so weak like this.

 

[Sweetrelease]

Yes, but the bitterness is towards myself because I trapped myself in circumstances created by my own doing.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I have a sort of bitter sweet attitude I guess.
I'm sad for what could have been, but also happy to know I can control when it ends.

 

[dandan]

yes, I do
I enfuriate myself, talk say shit back rapping on the bathroom mirror
I curse I said something about hating someone just a while ago..
I fucking hate I have to be here.....
like this....
my mentallity hasnt changed since 20 years ago....
20 years ago... I had issues... I still have today....
somethings sure have changed....
but the core is the same+

I couldnt enjoy the best years of my life!!
im now 37 going 38
damm... time flew by past me....

 

[throwaway777]

umm i just crave non existence so much it feels too peaceful compared to a load of thoughts ,worries and suffering that is completely unneccessary .. i just feel bitter sometimes thinking that there's no hidden reason or anything explaing this hell ..i used to believe love was the reason but nop now i know its all for nothing

 

[Weems]

Yes, but the bitterness is towards myself because I trapped myself in circumstances created by my own doing.

Yeah. In adolescence I really lost all self-respect and with it all motivation. My personality ended up so small. Now I'm looking at no friends, no money, no education, no skills, no youth left.

 

[deathenvoy]

Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to endless night.

Basically OP described what I am going through right now. I am angry that it came to this that I need to CTB. But also I am relived that I will leave this horrible place.

 

[toolateforme]

Yes, but the bitterness is towards myself because I trapped myself in circumstances created by my own doing.

Same here. That's definitely a part of it as well. It's one of the harder things that I have to come to terms with.

 

[Fadingfast]

I'm just numb to it at this point. I've come up with my way out and now I just need the balls to do it. I'm annoyed that I've wasted so much time thinking it would get better just to be a total let down in the end. If I don't follow through I'll end up homeless.

 

[dandan]

fuck,,
ending up homeless,
what a thing,
damm,
sure I surely sure would CTB if it was so
but even in homelessness
I guess I will strive 1 more time before I ctb
because
in my insanity , after 20 years of struggling
I still think, things could get better

BUT today I also know,
that no matter the money,
no matter my situation,
no matter if I have to work on an office
or
build my own thing
I would still be the fucking same

and maybe if I cant learn to enjoy and be good
then yes,,, it might be better to ctb...
so I better do
what I say I was gonna do

but fuck, why!?!?

We could have had normal life, damm.. .just if...

 

[Karma]

I feel hatred for normal people, why do they deserve a life they did nothing for?

I wish everyone can be equal but its just not true, the weak die out and the strong live, I may be strong physically but I am for sure not alright in the head.

 

[LastFlowers]

Extremely. I have always said when the day comes, I will have no love or sentiment left for anyone. I will be boiling in anger and bitterness. Especially because to CTB doesn't feel like a choice for me. It's not that I want to die, it's that I don't want to live LIKE THIS, more than I don't want to die. And my circumstances have proved to me permanent, not temporary.

Yes, but the bitterness is towards myself because I trapped myself in circumstances created by my own doing.

I have a good deal towards myself as well since I made decisions and mistakes that made my situation worse..but if it wasn't for the parts out of my control, I would have never ended up here or felt forced to make those decisions.

 

[JadedGray]

Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to endless night.

Basically OP described what I am going through right now. I am angry that it came to this that I need to CTB. But also I am relived that I will leave this horrible place.

Well said by both William Blake and later Jim Morrison.

I used to be bitter, but now I've just accepted the notion that life isn't fair and this is just the way it has to be for me.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

I'm bitter that I was forced into a world where there are no humane, accessible, guaranteed means of exiting.

 

[lululoo]

It varies. I used to be very bitter but it's lessening now that I have given up. There is relief that comes with accepting that I have been unlucky, and mistreated, and things couldn't be fixed, and so I must go. At least I don't have to struggle any longer through all my burdens to try to be "normal." To try to fix health problems on my own since doctors are clueless. To try to figure out why I have relationship problems. I can just say fuck it.

But then I do still have some bitter moments. But not as much as I used to.

 

[Only Me Here]

Sometimes I'm happy because I think about how fucked up the world is, especially how fucked up it can be to people who never deserved it (i've met some amazing people on this site and it infuriates me they'd have to come here), and I think - well I don't want to be in this hellhole anyway.

I think a lot of them ended up being amazing because they suffered. I wonder if life had been easier if i would be like everyone "normal" - fucked up. I was bitter before i came here and heard about the magic that is N. Now I'm just grateful for a painless way out, something good finally fell into my lap for once... this place!

 

[Jinx]

I feel a lot of negative emotions over it. I'm angry at my family for how they raised me and the lack of support that's pushed me into this corner now. Mad at myself for being unable to solve my own problems and the stupid decisions I made which ultimately cost me everything.

I can echo what others have already said in the thread. I'm disgusted by this unfair/unjust world where awful people freely get away with treating others like garbage. And I can't believe how assisted suicide isn't already legal everywhere.

 

[toolateforme]

I feel a lot of negative emotions over it. I'm angry at my family for how they raised me and the lack of support that's pushed me into this corner now. Mad at myself for being unable to solve my own problems and the stupid decisions I made which ultimately cost me everything.

I can echo what others have already said in the thread. I'm disgusted by this unfair/unjust world where awful people freely get away with treating others like garbage. And I can't believe how assisted suicide isn't already legal everywhere.

Wow I feel like I could have written this entire reply. I know exactly how you feel. Hope you'll find peace someday, in life or death.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Yes, but the bitterness is towards myself because I trapped myself in circumstances created by my own doing.

Same here. So awful

 

[sunny.sativa]

You act like you have to do this, like you can't make the choice not to. That bothers me because we all know we have the choice to continue living, suffering or not.

 

[Vegrau]

Honestly I dont envy those people with "normal" life. Ignorance is not bliss. Stupidity is not virtue. Inaction is inexcusable. Everything they did have a price and it will one day come back to claim it from them. Even if you did everything you can you still have to pay for the actions of others. Majority rules baby and I despise that. A world without justice nor fairness. Living blindly following the rules of others. Force to live in certain way. Either you fight it or accept it. In the end you die. How you lived serve only to satisfy you. No I dont want to play in their little games. I dont want to take part in their little cycle. Only death will stop this madness of theirs. I am my own and I reject them all. As for why I am still here. Well I am having fun doing whatever I want. If I am going to die. I am making this world my playground.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Not only am I bitter about it, I am also bitter that it's because of other people that I am forced to feel like I am not allowed to CTB. Not only do they have the will to live, they also put their happiness as contingent on my continued life, and therefore, continued suffering.

I hope that makes sense... it's hard to articulate...

 

[Swoods]

I do not have any bitterness, more of just a resigned attitude.

 

[Broken]

Yes, but the bitterness is towards myself because I trapped myself in circumstances created by my own doing.

Oh I know that feeling

 

[Asacschrader33]

Fuck yeah I'm bitter

 

[TAW122]

Not really bitter, but rather sad and frustrated. Sometimes I feel some relief because I know that once I die, there is no more feeling, no more pain, pleasure, disappointment, or anything, just unconscious and no perception of anything.

 

[Sailfisher]

Regret is a theme for me. I always seem to mess things up when they are going well. No matter how good the hand is that I get dealt, I always find a way to screw it up.

 

[SnowFairy]

yes, I do
I enfuriate myself, talk say shit back rapping on the bathroom mirror
I curse I said something about hating someone just a while ago..
I fucking hate I have to be here.....
like this....
my mentallity hasnt changed since 20 years ago....
20 years ago... I had issues... I still have today....
somethings sure have changed....
but the core is the same+

I couldnt enjoy the best years of my life!!
im now 37 going 38
damm... time flew by past me....

I feel you.

 

[throwaway123]

yea it sucks. I keep having daydreams about what could've been.