Does anyone else feel like a human punching bag?

[Kassender]

All my fucking life.

All therapy did was try to convince me that it was all in my head.
It's not.
I legit bring out the worst in other human being irl.
I dont know, i must release some kind of scent that gets people mad, there is no other way.

My friends and family always act irritated as fuck around me.
But all the random people i meet going while doing anything.
Cashiers, random bystanders...

Just now, i was buying bread and decided to treat myself with something else.
This woman comes in so im like 'go ahead, i havent chosen yet'

I kid you not, she rolls her fucking eyes 360 and says 'wow. What a man.' to the cashier who fucking grins.

What the fuck.

This is why i dont get out of my house anymore. Every fucking day something like that happens.

Therapy didnt help.
I wanted to believe this was all in my head.
But u know, 'just because youre paranoid doesnt mean theyre not after you'

31 years later
I tried to get assertive, i even got violent, it still fucking happens...


Im not lesser.

Ive seen actual assholes get actual respect when all they do is shit on everybody

Has anyone ever figured out why?
Am i just a weak animal whose entire purpose is to get pissed on?
I always knew something was wrong with me. I have to be on the spectrum, it not possible otherwise.

Fuck this planet

Sorry, this had to come out

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I really feel this. Your not alone with these feelings. I truly don't understand why I get treated like shit when evil people like my abusive ex are so respected...just because he is narcissistic and kisses society's ass? I truly feel like the punching bag door mat of life. I don't leave house much either because interacting with public is unbearable. God forbid people are introverted and don't have a fake smile plastered on their face 24/7 or we get called out in it.

 

[cantthinkofanickname]

All my fucking life.

All therapy did was try to convince me that it was all in my head.
It's not.
I legit bring out the worst in other human being irl.
I dont know, i must release some kind of scent that gets people mad, there is no other way.

My friends and family always act irritated as fuck around me.
But all the random people i meet going while doing anything.
Cashiers, random bystanders...

Just now, i was buying bread and decided to treat myself with something else.
This woman comes in so im like 'go ahead, i havent chosen yet'

I kid you not, she rolls her fucking eyes 360 and says 'wow. What a man.' to the cashier who fucking grins.

What the fuck.

This is why i dont get out of my house anymore. Every fucking day something like that happens.

Therapy didnt help.
I wanted to believe this was all in my head.
But u know, 'just because youre paranoid doesnt mean theyre not after you'

31 years later
I tried to get assertive, i even got violent, it still fucking happens...


Im not lesser.

Ive seen actual assholes get actual respect when all they do is shit on everybody

Has anyone ever figured out why?
Am i just a weak animal whose entire purpose is to get pissed on?
I always knew something was wrong with me. I have to be on the spectrum, it not possible otherwise.

Fuck this planet

Sorry, this had to come out

I totally understand you. I've been the victim all the time. Even my family scolded and humiliated me for unnecessary things. People fed their ego with striking me and psychologically abusing me. Not anymore though, I stopped talking to people. It's easier that way.
But soon I'll start going to collage and I'll be a victim again. My silence and indifference triggers some people. Being harmless souldn't bother anybody, but it does! Why?!

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I feel what you're saying, but I also know of times where I saw the world and humans differently and that's all I can hope for. Maybe it's just massive projection of insecurity??? Sounds better than living in a free for all darwinian nightmare...

 

[helpfulfriendonwout]

All my fucking life.

All therapy did was try to convince me that it was all in my head.
It's not.
I legit bring out the worst in other human being irl.
I dont know, i must release some kind of scent that gets people mad, there is no other way.

My friends and family always act irritated as fuck around me.
But all the random people i meet going while doing anything.
Cashiers, random bystanders...

Just now, i was buying bread and decided to treat myself with something else.
This woman comes in so im like 'go ahead, i havent chosen yet'

I kid you not, she rolls her fucking eyes 360 and says 'wow. What a man.' to the cashier who fucking grins.

What the fuck.

This is why i dont get out of my house anymore. Every fucking day something like that happens.

Therapy didnt help.
I wanted to believe this was all in my head.
But u know, 'just because youre paranoid doesnt mean theyre not after you'

31 years later
I tried to get assertive, i even got violent, it still fucking happens...


Im not lesser.

Ive seen actual assholes get actual respect when all they do is shit on everybody

Has anyone ever figured out why?
Am i just a weak animal whose entire purpose is to get pissed on?
I always knew something was wrong with me. I have to be on the spectrum, it not possible otherwise.

Fuck this planet

Sorry, this had to come out

Although your suffering from this is justified, a certain amount of it is likely in how you process what other people do to you. That woman who degraded you for trying to be decent may have her own issues that caused her to be that way. Perhaps she would have acted that way towards anyone, and it wasn't at all personal. For all you know, she may have gone home and felt bad about acting that way. I know I tend to frequently regret some of the things that I say and do, when I consider how they may have impacted others. We are all required to act very quickly in this society, your being decent and saying that she could go first was likely a decision you make almost instantly, without thinking about it, and so was her reply. Being decent takes time and effort that society doesn't usually allow us.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

I legit bring out the worst in other human being irl.
I dont know, i must release some kind of scent that gets people mad, there is no other way.

This is a fallacy, and I imagine it was likely drilled into you from a very young age that you were responsible for the fucked up ways people treat you.

That someone treats you like shit, so it must be your fault somehow.

It is just not true. You are not responsible.

These pathogenic belief systems are hell to undo as they are imprinted so early in life. It's like the brain becomes rewired to accept these distortions as truth.

I've had some very fucking slow progress at shifting thought patterns and it has improved my disposition. But it takes so much fucking time after having lived with this type of shit for decades. And I recognize I am in a privileged position whereas I have access to a therapist who specializes in this sort of treatment. Had I not happened into treatment with this therapist, I'd be in a shittier place.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

This is a fallacy, and I imagine it was likely drilled into you from a very young age that you were responsible for the fucked up ways people treat you.

That someone treats you like shit, so it must be your fault somehow.

It is just not true. You are not responsible.

These pathogenic belief systems are hell to undo as they are imprinted so early in life. It's like the brain becomes rewired to accept these distortions as truth.

I've had some very fucking slow progress at shifting thought patterns and it has improved my disposition. But it takes so much fucking time after having lived with this type of shit for decades. And I recognize I am in a privileged position whereas I have access to a therapist who specializes in this sort of treatment. Had I not happened into treatment with this therapist, I'd be in a shittier place.

What kind of treatment/ therapist did help you?

 

[ninthhokage]

Not 10 minutes after reading this my brother texted me some passive-aggressive bullshit. So yes, I definitely do.

 

[Ghosted]

And yet people are responding to your posts and offering you support. So the good news is that you bring out the best in people online. And that my friend is a miracle!

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

What kind of treatment/ therapist did help you?

Control Mastery Theory

To be accurate: it helps undo the damage of pathogenic beliefs, but it honestly hasn't touched a lot of my other stuff, like obsessive anxiety, that is ground in things not related to traumatic experiences.

Definitely has not been a cure-all for me, but has helped so that I hate myself much less and feel less responsible and less at fault for the way I was abused and mistreated as a child.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Control_mastery_theory#Core_principles

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Nowadays not so much cause you can't really get away with bullying on college so I'm left alone. But back in my younger days people legit reacted strangely to me. Staring, whispering, laughing... Older people I don't know would also stare weirdly like they're scared for some reason.
Guess I give off an alien foreign stranger vibe to them, a vibe of someone who shouldn't exist, like an illusion.

 

[Ghosted]

@Kassener I have been fighting with my doctors for almost a year to figure out why prednisone allows me to walk, smell and taste, to not constantly hallucinate, to remember, to read and write, to get the to eat (I'm a stress eater), cleared out most of the brain fog, and other stuff I've forgotten since I was run over by a bus.

Instead of focusing on my brain or whatever was causing the swelling in my brain, every single one of them has written in my medical record that I came in for pain in my right thigh. I have a witness, my rroommate who had to push me in a chair. Even she told them I wasn't in for leg pain.

I have lost count how many doctors I've seen in the past five years since the accident. I've also lost count how many times I was put on medication that endangered my health because they didn't look at my medical record. I was put on propanolol as a migraine preventative even though I have asthma. One doctor caught it and put me on verapamil. I didn't even realize that I was having problems breathing until he took me off that medication.

If I didn't have a mortgage or need someone to help me out when my body craps out on me, I would move just to see if maybe I could find one doctor who would listen. Maybe it's time for you to pack a bag and move cross country or down the coast? If nothing else a change of scenery (and accidentally losing your phone and forgetting your old number) might get you around people who don't seem so hostile. And maybe you could find a therapist you can form a relationship with, who will help you.

You must be a pretty wonderful person if you can bring out the best in people who are mired in darkness. I wish I had that gift. No matter what you decide, just know that you will be supported.

 

[Kassender]

I truly don't understand why I get treated like shit when evil people like my abusive ex are so respected...just because he is narcissistic and kisses society's ass? I truly feel like the punching bag door mat of life. I don't leave house much either because interacting with public is unbearable. God forbid people are introverted and don't have a fake smile plastered on their face 24/7 or we get called out in it.

I don't know. It's driving me crazy. Maybe instinct? like, we're driven to the people with the most 'dominant' attitude?

I know what you mean about the smiling, though.

You don't do it "oh wtf is wrong with that guy"
same response if you do. Can't win, ever.

I totally understand you. I've been the victim all the time. Even my family scolded and humiliated me for unnecessary things. People fed their ego with striking me and psychologically abusing me.

Yeah, same here. My family is pretty much like that. I'd say it's the 'root of all evil',unfortunately.
I never really felt safe at home. I didn't get hit or molested, but there was always someone to make me feel like shit.
It still happens. Even my little sister berates me every chance she gets.

You hit the nail on the head, it's really a matter of feeding their ego. "Fuck you, i hate myself, but at least i'm better than you!" that's how it feels.

Maybe it's just massive projection of insecurity??? Sounds better than living in a free for all darwinian nightmare...

I thought so.
But the darwinian nightmare makes so much more sense. I keep going back to it.

This is a fallacy, and I imagine it was likely drilled into you from a very young age that you were responsible for the fucked up ways people treat you.

That someone treats you like shit, so it must be your fault somehow.

It is just not true. You are not responsible.

It's absolutely ingrained because, unfortunately, i've had to deal with it my whole life.
People starting to seriously show me contempt after the first meeting that might even have gone well.
Were it, a few, i could deal with it, but it's really not.
My own father couldn't stomach me (he is JUST like me, it's insane. People treat him pretty much the same.)
The rest of the family, even some cousins, always seemed ashamed of me.

Most of the friend groups i entered ended up ditching me because one other with higher status couldn't stand me anymore.

I realized down the road that i have ADHD and instead of the relief diagnosed people talk about, it made everything worse.
To me, it was just the confirmation that it WAS all my fault.
And every experience keeps bringing me back to it. 'you sound weird, you sound bored, you look on drugs, you do too much of this, too much of that'
I put in so much work for what i'm talking about to stop, and it keeps happening.

There's no way i'm not responsible.

I never heard of control therapy. thanks for mentionning it, i'll check it out.

Not 10 minutes after reading this my brother texted me some passive-aggressive bullshit. So yes, I definitely do.

I feel you dude.
I know some people who are very gifted at this.
I really wish i was as well.

Maybe it's time for you to pack a bag and move cross country or down the coast? If nothing else a change of scenery (and accidentally losing your phone and forgetting your old number) might get you around people who don't seem so hostile. And maybe you could find a therapist you can form a relationship with, who will help you.

You must be a pretty wonderful person if you can bring out the best in people who are mired in darkness. I wish I had that gift. No matter what you decide, just know that you will be supported.

I did it last year unfortunately.
Nothing changed. I can't go to therapists anymore. The last one i saw was like 50 bucks an hour and he kept spouting platitudes from psychology magazine.
I really feel hopeless and it sucks. I wish i could get out but i no longer believe that will ever happen...

 

[Manja]

Couldn't relate more...I figured it out...the thing is they're not scared of me. It's something beyond reason...people sense when someone is mean and will not hesitate to hurt them, and they will not mess with them. But I'm harmless and considerate and they read that as weak. I tried to act tough but it's exausting and stupid. It did work though

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

It's absolutely ingrained because, unfortunately, i've had to deal with it my whole life.
People starting to seriously show me contempt after the first meeting that might even have gone well.
Were it, a few, i could deal with it, but it's really not.
My own father couldn't stomach me (he is JUST like me, it's insane. People treat him pretty much the same.)
The rest of the family, even some cousins, always seemed ashamed of me.

I hear you. It fucking sucks. I'm sorry you're suffering.

 

[Ghosted]

My maternal instincts just kicked in and I wish I was a billionaire so I could bring all of you home. I have no idea where the physical home would be, but everyone of you would be made welcomed and treated with dignity and respect.

I hope one of you knows how to cook because I was known for setting things in kitchen on fire before the accident. One time I turned a cinnamon roll into a smoke bomb in a microwave.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Yes and I'm beyond tired of it. Having a very high rabking chronic pain condition, you always feel like you're being physically tortured. It's hell on Earth. I have the means to kill myself. It's just a matter of when. I wish I could just take a pill when I get really upset and angry and sad all at the same time but my suicide will take three days of prep work. That is what scares me the most. I will be counting down the hours like people do in prison when they are on death row.

 

[Mr2005]

Yes but I choose to be. Not for that reason it just comes with the territory. I don't matter anymore

 

[elephantinthroom]

Yes, that used to happen to me a lot. People seemed to have an allergic reaction to me. It mostly stopped because I stopped dealing with people, and in general I try to keep the interactions with people short. I also feel like I wouldn't be so ashamed if it happened to me now, and I would stand up for myself more, perhaps this is also why people don't do that to me anymore.

It's been going on throughout my life really - children taking advantage of me because I was too 'nice'. The cause of the problem was actually the relationship with my parents, I felt guilty when standing up for myself, they were very immature emotionally, and violent when I displeased them.

Random people like doctors, receptionists, post office clerks, even therapists behaved as if I insulted them personally on some deep level with my existence. They would behave in an angry, mean way towards me. Like assigning to me negative traits which I didn't have, assuming that I'm trying to cheat them, or asking 'anything else?!' in a really annoyed tone - as if I was threatening them or being mean, but all I was was just shy and afraid.

When my grandma was learning how to use her computer, I would patiently explain everything to her, answer her every question in a nice and encouraging way. When my older brother was explaining stuff to her, he would shout at her when she didn't understand etc. So she preferred asking me for help. But that didn't stop her bullying me, telling me that I should be more 'manly' like my brother, or trying to shame me that I look like a girl (long hair). She disliked me even more when I ignored her bullying.

One time when I was 19, I was at my grandmother's apartment and my brother came with his girlfriend. And I shook the girlfriend's hand as a hello, and she (the gf) laughed that I would not kiss her on the cheek as a hello. And my grandmother told her "don't worry, we will teach him...". Implying that I'm a childish or nerd-like guy who needs to be taught the proper behaviour in the world. She wanted to train me like you would train a dog, and she thought it's all good. By the way, the grandma was the nicest person among the adults in my family.

 

[BridgeJumper]

STORY OF MY LIFE.
I literally thought to myself the other day I must release some chemicals that piss people the fuck off, because I lost count how many times Ive been treated like shit by psychiatrists, therapists, family and normal people alike, even though I never did anything wrong.
To everyone, Im a selfish, heartless, malingering drama queen and I can feel they want me gone from their sight asap.
Is it my face? The tone of my voice? My body language? Why do they hate me and abuse me and get all mean to me all the time?
One of my therapists (whom I hated btw, I quit after she threatened me with a lawsuit over something that wasnt my fault) told me that what makes people defensive is my body language because avoiding eye contact, sitting quietly and being late to answer questions is seen as passive aggressive. That the reason policemen would tackle me and doctors would get mad at me was because I was showing anger with how my body moved, even though I never insulted them.
So basically when Im too depressed to talk it means Im aggressive. Cool.