Discussion does anyone else feel guilty for being here?

[touyathecat]

like i have this account in secret (which should be obvious), and i've been browsing this site for a while longer as a guest. and i feel so much guilt for being here. i still want to go through with it, but i feel like i'm lying to friends and family. but at the same time, they would worry and probably be mad if they knew about this. does anyone else feel like that?

 

[stupidhuman]

Am I being too selfish if I say no ?

It's not that I don't care 100% but it's more like 90% ?

Very rarely I realize/think of how I "damage" my friends and family by doing it but in the end I think that's how life is or something like that…

I don't know.. in these moments it makes me very sad but what choice do I have ? Not to ? Yeah but I also have the choice to do and it's something that's ingrained in my brain I guess. Maybe it's some sort of natural selection going on.

I really don't want to sound entitled even if it's my own life and I can do whatever I want with it but CTB is kinda a complex topic and it's being discussed here daily.

My conclusion is that it's a matter of perspective and every point of view is valid I guess somehow so do as you want and feel as you want.

My answer is mostly no

 

[LaVieEnRose]

But would they be able to hold adequate space for your emotional pain and despondency?

The overwhelming majority of people I have met aren't able and willing to do that. Yet they bristle at the idea of suicide. That's not wanting to eat your cake and have it at the same time. That's wanting to have it and shove it in your face.

 

[DoubleUp8]

I am disappointed and angry at myself for not having done it yet. I really should have. Only hurting myself by procrastinating. Every day I continue to breathe is a day I continue to suffer.

 

[stupidhuman]

But would they be able to hold adequate space for your emotional pain and despondency?

The overwhelming majority of people I have met aren't able and willing to do that. Yet they bristle at the idea of suicide. That's not wanting to eat your cake and have it at the same time. That's wanting to have it and shove it in your face.

Many people are overwhelmed by that topic to put it simply and that's why this kind of reaction occurs, no ?
Or maybe they aren't informed enough (?)

I like your thought very much tho

 

[needsomeoptions]

I kind of like having this space. Like a private thing for me that feels more real than the rest of the world. No guilt.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Many people are overwhelmed by that topic to put it simply and that's why this kind of reaction occurs, no ?
Or maybe they aren't informed enough (?)

I like your thought very much tho

Regardless of how understandable their discomfort and inability are you still have needs that need to be met.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

At first I did, but over time I realized that my suffering was not something to be ashamed of, even if the rest of the world always tried to make me feel that way. It took awhile to unlearn the attitudes I'd been fed that I was some kind of monster for being suicidal. We do not choose this pain, contrary to popular belief.

Would we cast guilt at someone with heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroid, arthritis, or any other health condition, and regard them with the same visible scorn that is thrown at suicidal people? Of course not. Why should emotional suffering be treated with less grace?

When we have unmet needs, it is only natural that we would seek support to satiate them. If ones friend's and family are unwilling to hear their troubles or seek to understand and make space for those difficult feelings, you can surmise that the logical conclusion would be to find some place where one can speak openly and without judgement. So I would examine why that shame exists for you, because there is nothing wrong with you for wanting support and camaraderie while dealing with the beast that is suicidality. Others may have made you feel that way, and it's a crying shame.

Yes, it's possible for outsiders to misunderstand the purpose of this website and demonize it, but at the end of the day it's human nature to want an outlet for our emotions, even the difficult, taboo, and troublesome ones. I think many people have just not been exposed to suicidality very much and so the entire idea that people would even converse about their experiences with it is this very shocking, almost grotesque thought to them. It's not really desensitized for them the way it is for a person like me who has been suicidal for over a decade and had a couple of failed attempts already.

Once that initial shock factor wears off, I think many people would come around to the idea that suicidal people are not these insane, crazy charicatures but can often be hiding in plain sight right beneath their noses.

Many people are overwhelmed by that topic to put it simply and that's why this kind of reaction occurs, no ?
Or maybe they aren't informed enough (?)

I like your thought very much tho

I really think any exposure and information is kept at a safe distance, like when you're a kid looking into an aquarium fishtank for the first time and can't really fathom how a fish manages to live and keep swimming on the other side of that glass. Because it's all unfamiliar and you might get hurt by this strange new creature you've just encountered, you wouldn't dare stick your hand into the tank of water and be bitten by a shark, or a stingray. Conveniently, there are signs everywhere reinforcing this course of action and emphasizing how you shouldn't get too close.

In practice, all professional discussions of suicidal people seem to be akin to this analogy. Never get too close or listen to why a person is suicidal in the first place, keep referring them elsewhere until they're out of your hair. Few people are forced to sit down and interact with the raw, visceral pain that a suicidal person espouses when they open up to another human.

Without revealing too much information, I've worked/volunteered somewhere where I was regularly exposed to mental health topics and when there was even a brief one off mention of self harm whatsoever from a client everyone freaked out except me and acted like it was the most disturbing thing ever and that we need a warning before we have to read that someone may be suicidal or have done acts of self harm in the past. I couldn't believe it, really. I'm the suicidal person, the one who theoretically should be deeply upset and bothered by reminders of it, yet I'm the only one who can actually sit with these dark topics it felt like.

Of course, no one knew my situation. But it seems like a lot of people working in these areas or who claim to be informed about these matters are missing the resiliency for lack of a better word to not be perturbed by expressions of suicidal feelings, it's always far removed, censored, and sanitized with clinical language so that no one has to sit with the harsh truth that life can be extremely cruel to some people, and yes, some of those people will be suicidal.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

like i have this account in secret (which should be obvious), and i've been browsing this site for a while longer as a guest. and i feel so much guilt for being here. i still want to go through with it, but i feel like i'm lying to friends and family. but at the same time, they would worry and probably be mad if they knew about this. does anyone else feel like that?

I was going to make a thread asking if other's felt conflicted about being here. Because, as someone who is certain about ctb, I feel like my family might be repulsed that I'm on here interacting, rather than strictly just looking for methods. It's hard to explain rn... but it's been hitting me lately how conflicted I am being here knowing how the end will turn out for me. This is not the legacy you want to be apart of. Nothing against the people here. Just the principles of it all I suppose. It's in my head what my mother would think if she saw that this is how the end really started for me. Seeing people literally dying on here goes against our ideals to save them; and it feels wrong to let them go. This isn't an eloquent or coherent post as I'm missing sleep, but yes it's very confusing being here and conflicting. However if there were better resources for me rn, suicide or not, I wouldn't be here.

At first I did, but over time I realized that my suffering was not something to be ashamed of, even if the rest of the world always tried to make me feel that way. It took awhile to unlearn the attitudes I'd been fed that I was some kind of monster for being suicidal. We do not choose this pain, contrary to popular belief.

Would we cast guilt at someone with heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroid, arthritis, or any other health condition, and regard them with the same visible scorn that is thrown at suicidal people? Of course not. Why should emotional suffering be treated with less grace?

When we have unmet needs, it is only natural that we would seek support to satiate them. If ones friend's and family are unwilling to hear their troubles or seek to understand and make space for those difficult feelings, you can surmise that the logical conclusion would be to find some place where one can speak openly and without judgement. So I would examine why that shame exists for you, because there is nothing wrong with you for wanting support and camaraderie while dealing with the beast that is suicidality. Others may have made you feel that way, and it's a crying shame.

Yes, it's possible for outsiders to misunderstand the purpose of this website and demonize it, but at the end of the day it's human nature to want an outlet for our emotions, even the difficult, taboo, and troublesome ones. I think many people have just not been exposed to suicidality very much and so the entire idea that people would even converse about their experiences with it is this very shocking, almost grotesque thought to them. It's not really desensitized for them the way it is for a person like me who has been suicidal for over a decade and had a couple of failed attempts already.

Once that initial shock factor wears off, I think many people would come around to the idea that suicidal people are not these insane, crazy charicatures but can often be hiding in plain sight right beneath their noses.



I really think any exposure and information is kept at a safe distance, like when you're a kid looking into an aquarium fishtank for the first time and can't really fathom how a fish manages to live and keep swimming on the other side of that glass. Because it's all unfamiliar and you might get hurt by this strange new creature you've just encountered, you wouldn't dare stick your hand into the tank of water and be bitten by a shark, or a stingray. Conveniently, there are signs everywhere reinforcing this course of action and emphasizing how you shouldn't get too close.

In practice, all professional discussions of suicidal people seem to be akin to this analogy. Never get too close or listen to why a person is suicidal in the first place, keep referring them elsewhere until they're out of your hair. Few people are forced to sit down and interact with the raw, visceral pain that a suicidal person espouses when they open up to another human.

Without revealing too much information, I've worked/volunteered somewhere where I was regularly exposed to mental health topics and when there was even a brief one off mention of self harm whatsoever from a client everyone freaked out except me and acted like it was the most disturbing thing ever and that we need a warning before we have to read that someone may be suicidal or have done acts of self harm in the past. I couldn't believe it, really. I'm the suicidal person, the one who theoretically should be deeply upset and bothered by reminders of it, yet I'm the only one who can actually sit with these dark topics it felt like.

Of course, no one knew my situation. But it seems like a lot of people working in these areas or who claim to be informed about these matters are missing the resiliency for lack of a better word to not be perturbed by expressions of suicidal feelings, it's always far removed, censored, and sanitized with clinical language so that no one has to sit with the harsh truth that life can be extremely cruel to some people, and yes, some of those people will be suicidal.

Do you know how much reliability/formality/protocal played a role in their reactions? I feel like mental health professionals are restricted from saying certain truths and/or speaking about suicide at all, let alone how they actually feel about it. I feel these restrictions are in their obligated signed contracts. Do you know how restricted they are or have to be? Regulations and such. Formalities because of legality?

 

[kyhoti]

If certain people knew I was here, I'd be locked up again. So, yeah, I feel a certain kind of way about it. Same with my CTB plan.

There's a difference between guilt and shame, too, which bears looking into. Guilt is usually based on true actions (I stole a candy bar, and I am guilty). Shame is a feeling, maybe brought on by actual guilt, or maybe just a figment of my twisted up brain.

 

[stupidhuman]

Of cou

Regardless of how understandable their discomfort and inability are you still have needs that need to be met.

of course. One does not argument away the other. It coexists imo

 

[sadbadger]

I was in the same boat as you up until today I decided to create an account.. I'm having some difficult feelings personally, but i presume that will pass/evolve with time.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I was going to make a thread asking if other's felt conflicted about being here. Because, as someone who is certain about ctb, I feel like my family might be repulsed that I'm on here interacting, rather than strictly just looking for methods. It's hard to explain rn... but it's been hitting me lately how conflicted I am being here knowing how the end will turn out for me. This is not the legacy you want to be apart of. Nothing against the people here. Just the principles of it all I suppose. It's in my head what my mother would think if she saw that this is how the end really started for me. Seeing people literally dying on here goes against our ideals to save them; and it feels wrong to let them go. This isn't an eloquent or coherent post as I'm missing sleep, but yes it's very confusing being here and conflicting. However if there were better resources for me rn, suicide or not, I wouldn't be here.

Do you know how much reliability/formality/protocal played a role in their reactions? I feel like mental health professionals are restricted from saying certain truths and/or speaking about suicide at all, let alone how they actually feel about it. I feel these restrictions are in their obligated signed contracts. Do you know how restricted they are or have to be? Regulations and such. Formalities because of legality?

Sorry to hear about the situation with your family, it's a difficult spot to be in, especially when a lot of what goes down on this site can be really unsettling initially, reading everyone's stories of despair and making friends only to have the sinking feeling you could lose them at any time. It took me years of being suicidal to come to grips with the fact that my case was pretty atypical to the point where the usual advice I was being given never really cut it, and that I needed a place to be open and honest.

I would hope that if your family ever knew you used the site, they would try to understand and comprehend what steers someone towards needing such an outlet in the first place, rather than jumping to conclusions about your character. Though I know from the outside looking in, you're 100% right in the fact that a lot of people see being on a site like this as taboo or wrong.

One time when my partner realised I was using a suicide forum he viewed it as completely embarrassing, but I'm not sure if others truly realise that shame makes the entire situation worse. I'm like you in that if there were better options, I'd definitely take them, but life has lead me towards this path and we just have to take things as they come. Try to go easy on yourself, even though I know it's tough not to experience shame because it goes against our programming to feel judged by the ones we love.

In response to your actual question though, yeah there are guidelines. However if you're in a lower tier organisation (i.e. a support worker, therapist, hotline volunteer, admin for a mental health charity/org etc) the protocol is almost always focused on risk mitigation and passing the buck onto someone higher up. I realized this quickly. A lot of talk about higher standards of care, then I realised higher standard of care means fobbing someone off to the higher ups and praying that they don't have a lawsuit if a person catches the bus, even if this decision was independent to whatever action that a staff member took.

It really sucks, because at least in my case I always want to let the professional mask slip and speak to someone like a human as opposed to reading off a script like a chat bot. There's canned stock phrases that you're taught to say, like reach out to x hotline and visit this website, take care of your mental health! While a person is coming to you with problems that are longer term and cannot be solved by ringing up the hotline.

It varies by organisation though, but usually yes in my experience and having spoken to others who have worked at hotlines and things or in MH industry there are strict guidelines and procedures you have to follow. This is probably to the benefit of a few, but does not serve a great purpose outside of risk management for people who can see through the veneer of professionalism and find it patronising to be spoken to like a liability.

 

[Coffeandamug]

Not even a single bit, what ? This is my life and my body. My family and friends can't feel what I feel no matter how they love me. I can't live for them and they shoudn't live for me. No one would force you to marry someone or to study something because they would get hurt if you didn't, this is just wrong. And using "love" as an excuse to force someone to live a life they don't want to live is sick and self-centered.

 

[demitriusmigsysvotf]

I don't know. Probably not. Why should I? I literally have no one to talk to but people here.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't feel guilty for being a member here. Y should I feel guilty at all?

 

[dinosavr]

As long as no one finds out, I have a place where everyone understands me and supports me no matter what and I can, in a way, help others either. Therefore no guilt, none at all.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I don't feel guilty. Why should I? I literally don't understand why I should feel guilty

 

[wastingpotential]

at the beginning i was. but then my life got worse and worse and in all my history of not giving a fuck about something, this is the most i have ever not given a fuck. not after all the shit i went through AND keep going through.

if anyone ever found out i was on this site, that shouldn't surprise them at this point.

quick edit cause i only now saw how many disagree with the guilty statement op made: i felt guilty because at the beginning of it, i still had friends i wanted to live another day to see, i had my beloved cats who then after were stripped away from me and died, i was emotionally abused, etc etc. i was suicidal but i wanted to keep fighting to some extent, hence the guilt. that's all gone now though so..

 

[sugarb]

like i have this account in secret (which should be obvious), and i've been browsing this site for a while longer as a guest. and i feel so much guilt for being here. i still want to go through with it, but i feel like i'm lying to friends and family. but at the same time, they would worry and probably be mad if they knew about this. does anyone else feel like that?

Sometimes, yeah. My desire to CTB fluctuates with the trajectory of my life- how interesting and enjoyable things are, basically- which isn't a completely rational reason like chronic pain or some such. It's not like my every waking moment is agony. Wouldn't it be more reasonable, more kind to others that I suffer through the discomfort of a day, week, month, or year, given that there will likely be relief? It's natural, after all.

But at the end of the day, my life is my own. No one has a claim on it except myself. Depriving other people of someone they love is cruel, and depriving others someone they love for your own interests is selfish, but depriving others of yourself is neither. Nobody owns me, no matter how much I care about them or vice versa. I'll leave on the day I decide I'm finished and have the means. No sooner, no later.

 

[sylvey]

No and anyone in my life who has an issue with it can suck my dick

 

[lacrimosa]

When you say here... Do you mean on this forum or existing in general?

I feel a lot of guilt for being alive. The amount I consume, the energy it takes to sustain me and the time I waste because of my mental illness all contributes to this guilt.

As far as being on this site, no, I don't feel guilty at all. If I were to encourage anyone to commit suicide... passively or whatever, I would feel guilt about that, for sure. Even though it is their final decision, I would rather try and help them and lift them up instead of bringing them down to a point where they thought the world would be better off without them. But, I have very mixed feelings, because, again, it's their decision and I would never want to remove their autonomy or right to choose to CTB.

In the end, it is my hope that others can learn from me and I can be a source of positivity for people on here. That's my choice and in the end, although it's too late for me and I've known this for a long time, I hope to prevent suffering in others even if that means them CTB without encouraging it. I should come with a disclaimer. lol...

 

[mrbluesky]

I think that I cause more damage being alive than if I were dead, tbh. So no, I don't feel guilty. It's not necessarily that I think the world would be better without me, I just think that I hurt so much people because of my conditions. I go to therapy, take meds, but sometimes it's not enough and I will eventually be an asshole - is the nature of my disease. I have special needs because of my disabilities and I think I'm a burden, people shouldn't have to adjust because of me.

In the past I did felt guilt for having theses thoughts, but today I just accept. But I think it's part of the journey, in the end. I guess everybody must've felt guilt about it at some point.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Partly yes, unfortunately.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yeah. I'd really rather not be here, but I don't really know what else to do at this point so here we are.

 

[Ihoujin]

Hi. Quite opposite. I'm excited to be here. Like finally I've found ppl I can relate to and eventually they could understand me.