Discussion Does anyone else feel extreme embarrassment everytime you come back from outside

[Pisceslilith]

I guess it's due to my anxiety but I really hate going outside and I avoid it as much as possible but lately I've been pushing myself just to go for walks just to move my body but I just feel this intense embarrassment and hatred due to my existence everytime I come back inside. Then I start over analyzing people's reactions, stares, and tones while interacting with them, I wonder if they think I'm weird or some other stupid negative thought. I always knew that I hated myself but I'm reminded constantly why I do. I miss being normal, being mentally ill has ruined everything for me. And the fact that the reason I have all these issues because of trauma makes me really upset, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I genuinely hate myself, I'm annoyed by my existence and I feel so trapped in my own body. I hate it here. I have maladaptive daydreaming to cope and I wish I could be the person in my daydreams, they're literally perfect, an extremely way better version of me, this sounds stupid but I'm kind of jealous daydream self.

 

[Carrotcake]

I hate being outside, I hate being seen by others.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Quite a bit, depends if I have to speak to anyone. If I need something from a shop I never go to a supermarket in my town I will drive 30 mins to another so I have less chance of seeing anyone I know. I wear mask sunglasses headphones and a hat but it's getting a bit hot for the last two now.

 

[Lupgevif]

Yes. I hate walking outside, so I when I did it, I used to do it very early in the morning when there was not as many people outside. When I got out during busy hours it felt like a self imposed torture, some days I just couldn't stand it and had to just go back home earlier than usual.

 

[M.M]

I like walking outside, but not in public places. I don't shop in stores, just order stuff online.

 

[Pisceslilith]

I hate being outside, I hate being seen by others.

Same, I hate being perceived. And it's annoying because sometimes my ego wants me to be noticed (for some odd and annoying reason) but if I am noticed by others I feel very out of place and embarrassed for the other person cause they had to interact with such an odd person like me.

Yes. I hate walking outside, so I when I did it, I used to do it very early in the morning when there was not as many people outside. When I got out during busy hours it felt like a self imposed torture, some days I just couldn't stand it and had to just go back home earlier than usual.

I mostly go out when it's dark out so I can't be seen, but today I just came back from the doctor, it's very bright out and I feel so embarrassed right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and die to be honest.

 

[BandAddict]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself. I know what you mean. It makes me extremely paranoid and standoffish. Like people can't stand my presence, or are plotting things against me or upset with me by something I've done. Even when I'm out and about, strangers can seem conniving and malicious, like they're talking about me and pointing shit out that's wrong with me.

I will say that you're probably projecting onto them. When those feelings are strong enough, you can even mishear whole conversations and believe people are speaking badly of you, even if it's nowhere near true.

I hope you can show yourself some compassion. I think it's great that you're getting out for some fresh air and everything, you should be proud of that. As for how you think people feel about you, sometimes it helps to maybe smile at someone, as a smile back can sometimes melt some of those feelings away. If it's family or a friend, striking up a simple, honest conversation can ease those thoughts sometimes.

Hope this helps.

 

[Jemo_]

I guess it's due to my anxiety but I really hate going outside and I avoid it as much as possible but lately I've been pushing myself just to go for walks just to move my body but I just feel this intense embarrassment and hatred due to my existence everytime I come back inside. Then I start over analyzing people's reactions, stares, and tones while interacting with them, I wonder if they think I'm weird or some other stupid negative thought. I always knew that I hated myself but I'm reminded constantly why I do. I miss being normal, being mentally ill has ruined everything for me. And the fact that the reason I have all these issues because of trauma makes me really upset, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I genuinely hate myself, I'm annoyed by my existence and I feel so trapped in my own body. I hate it here. I have maladaptive daydreaming to cope and I wish I could be the person in my daydreams, they're literally perfect, an extremely way better version of me, this sounds stupid but I'm kind of jealous daydream self.

I relate 100%. It feels like you are an alien of some sort. For me most of the time it feels like Im being treated like a tree stump or a meatbag. You just exist but not live....ffs

 

[ClownMe]

I hate going outside to the point it actually scares me, im so self conscious.

 

[Pisceslilith]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself. I know what you mean. It makes me extremely paranoid and standoffish. Like people can't stand my presence, or are plotting things against me or upset with me by something I've done. Even when I'm out and about, strangers can seem conniving and malicious, like they're talking about me and pointing shit out that's wrong with me.

I will say that you're probably projecting onto them. When those feelings are strong enough, you can even mishear whole conversations and believe people are speaking badly of you, even if it's nowhere near true.

I hope you can show yourself some compassion. I think it's great that you're getting out for some fresh air and everything, you should be proud of that. As for how you think people feel about you, sometimes it helps to maybe smile at someone, as a smile back can sometimes melt some of those feelings away. If it's family or a friend, striking up a simple, honest conversation can ease those thoughts sometimes.

Hope this helps.

Thank you, I'm really trying my best with the whole self compassion thing, it just gets hard when I don't see instant results. I really enjoy talking to you guys on here, I guess I really am not alone with the way I'm feeling. Thanks for advice bud, I appreciate you.

 

[nerve]

All the time!! I hardly even do anything when I go outside but so often there's something I do wrong. I just want to be left alone instead of making things worse for myself and everyone around me.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, I hate going outside and seeing other people. It doesn't matter if it's random guys on the streets or the supermarket, I just don't like to be "seen" by anyone. I feel so old and fat and I bet they can really realize that I'm just trying to hide my depressing face.

 

[newave3]

Same, same and same. I'm just like the rest of you. I don't want to go out. I don't want to interact with people, but when I do interact I get home and think about every little thing that was said to me and how people looked at me.

 

[CivilizationV]

Lately I don't, but it's partially because I buy most groceries online and barely go out.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I wouldn't call it extreme embarrassment or say it's when I come back in. Although I can see why embarrassment would be a good word for it.

I'd personally call it an extreme discomfort and why I don't go out in the first place. I can literally just be showered, hair brushed, nice clothes. I can feel awesome about myself! Put my hand on the door handle, nope turning back around.
And I can't win its either one direction or another. I'm either concerned they're (the outside people) going to be judgemental or be a sexist *ss so yeah for the past year or so I've been keeping my distance with the outside world as much as possible. I even hate my appointment thats coming up. It's going to a phone call that lasts ~5 mins. "here's my thoughts, up my dose, bye" nope don't want to do it. It's bad enough I have to call today because apparently my last appointment told them nothing.

 

[Pisceslilith]

I wouldn't call it extreme embarrassment or say it's when I come back in. Although I can see why embarrassment would be a good word for it.

I'd personally call it an extreme discomfort and why I don't go out in the first place. I can literally just be showered, hair brushed, nice clothes. I can feel awesome about myself! Put my hand on the door handle, nope turning back around.
And I can't win its either one direction or another. I'm either concerned they're (the outside people) going to be judgemental or be a sexist *ss so yeah for the past year or so I've been keeping my distance with the outside world as much as possible. I even hate my appointment thats coming up. It's going to a phone call that lasts ~5 mins. "here's my thoughts, up my dose, bye" nope don't want to do it. It's bad enough I have to call today because apparently my last appointment told them nothing.

I hate appointments too I barely get any sleep the night before. I also feel like I'm okay when I'm inside but the moment I'm ready to go outside all of that just goes out the window.

 

[Nigh]

I only go out when it's really really late and really dark, as there's less people outside and less chance to be noticed. I do feel different outside and much more exposed - hence why I stay in a lot. And the day after I go out I always tend to have a setback in the form of a depressive episode. In which I can't get of bed, have intense suicidal thoughts, and suffer from lethargy. I think it takes so much for me to eventually go outside that the next day I'm just beat up and defeated.

 

[lofticries]

Yeah, that's why I give myself a time limit to how much time I can be around someone without revealing my true self. I was so good at it when I worked but if I ever saw a co worker outside of work I swear it felt like I was having a brain malfunction or some shit.

I'm pretty good when it comes to getting supplies but that's only because I go at times where there's hardly any people to bother me.

 

[GoneForever]

Every time. It's like my brain goes into overdrive in the worst way just to torture me for going out and people terrify me for seemingly no reason.

 

[death137]

I wish I could go outside regularly but I rarely leave the house because I've very low self esteem. I don't even feel comfortable around my family. They all came out normal while I'm a disgusting creature. When I meet ppl I feel sorry for them for seeing me so I try to avoid them as much as I can. I wish I was normal and enjoy ppl company without feeling a less being but its impossible in this situation.

 

[Pisceslilith]

I wish I could go outside regularly but I rarely leave the house because I've very low self esteem. I don't even feel comfortable around my family. They all came out normal while I'm a disgusting creature. When I meet ppl I feel sorry for them for seeing me so I try to avoid them as much as I can. I wish I was normal and enjoy ppl company without feeling a less being but its impossible in this situation.

I don't really have any good advice, but I feel the exact same way, I wish I were normal too but trauma really screwed me up. I just want you to know that you're not disgusting, I hope you recover soon. Thanks for sharing bud.