ilovemymelody1998
New Member
- Sep 5, 2024
- 4
I feel like something I struggle with deeply is this internalized perception of shame and embarrassment I have towards my own misery and inability to live a fulfilling life.
It's embarrassing that I haven't even suffered greatly at least not to an extent that I feel is enough to warrant my failures and inability to live in life. It's embarrassing that I haven't gotten myself or my life together. That I'm still dealing with the same pain that i was dealing with many years ago. I haven't been able to make progress or make something good of myself and I am so ashamed of it. :( I know my parents will look at me with anger and embarrassment because "your life isn't hard enough to warrant suicide". Why am I so weak? Why am I so pathetic that I can't bring myself to survive through adversity and make something good of myself and this life? I have no motivation to do anything but I'm surrounded by fear of all the things I need to do. I have a desire to build a stable future but I'm too fearful and broken down to even start. Once I make a mistake, I feel like it's already over. :( I hate not being able to be happy, successful and strong like everyone else is. My struggles are not unique and plenty of other people struggle similarly or even worse than me. But here I am looking for the "easy way out" instead of using my strength to be better. I feel so ashamed of wanting to die when I haven't suffered enough. Nothing ever feels like it's enough. Growing up, I went through parental abuse, CSA, eating disorder and other forms of trauma but it still doesn't feel like any of it was worse enough to justify my choices or my pain. I'm just a fraud and a failure and I've succumb to my own decisions that lead me to it. I hate myself so deeply and I hate living a double life with everyone around me. There's no more hope for me anymore I think. I just want to get down to bmi 11 and then finally off myself. At least for once in my entire fat disgusting life, I'll be skinny. I hate being wasted potential and I hate that I've wasted my life for NO good reason. All because I've been weak, lame, selfish, unmotivated, lazy, undisciplined. It's all so so shameful and I don't think I have any way of recovering :( I am hoping I can get to 80 lbs by the end of December. I'll try to maintain it and lose again in end of January to get to even more worse bmi before finally attempting in late Feb/Early March. Part of me thinks I'm doing all of this for attention and because I can't cope with living with the consequences of my actions. But at the end of the day, I think I'm so fearful facing the reality of how I've ruined my own life and potential that I have no choice but to end it and put it a close to it myself. Im really going to try my hardest to plan accordingly so I can attempt and succeed before my 20th birthday. It'll be so much planning to do, but I am willing to go through with it. I don't think I can get good SN in the USA, so I am hoping to use a shotgun method or hanging method. Both sound scary, but death itself is only a foot step away and I have to bring myself to do SOMETHING worthwhile other than being a waste of air on the daily.
It's embarrassing that I haven't even suffered greatly at least not to an extent that I feel is enough to warrant my failures and inability to live in life. It's embarrassing that I haven't gotten myself or my life together. That I'm still dealing with the same pain that i was dealing with many years ago. I haven't been able to make progress or make something good of myself and I am so ashamed of it. :( I know my parents will look at me with anger and embarrassment because "your life isn't hard enough to warrant suicide". Why am I so weak? Why am I so pathetic that I can't bring myself to survive through adversity and make something good of myself and this life? I have no motivation to do anything but I'm surrounded by fear of all the things I need to do. I have a desire to build a stable future but I'm too fearful and broken down to even start. Once I make a mistake, I feel like it's already over. :( I hate not being able to be happy, successful and strong like everyone else is. My struggles are not unique and plenty of other people struggle similarly or even worse than me. But here I am looking for the "easy way out" instead of using my strength to be better. I feel so ashamed of wanting to die when I haven't suffered enough. Nothing ever feels like it's enough. Growing up, I went through parental abuse, CSA, eating disorder and other forms of trauma but it still doesn't feel like any of it was worse enough to justify my choices or my pain. I'm just a fraud and a failure and I've succumb to my own decisions that lead me to it. I hate myself so deeply and I hate living a double life with everyone around me. There's no more hope for me anymore I think. I just want to get down to bmi 11 and then finally off myself. At least for once in my entire fat disgusting life, I'll be skinny. I hate being wasted potential and I hate that I've wasted my life for NO good reason. All because I've been weak, lame, selfish, unmotivated, lazy, undisciplined. It's all so so shameful and I don't think I have any way of recovering :( I am hoping I can get to 80 lbs by the end of December. I'll try to maintain it and lose again in end of January to get to even more worse bmi before finally attempting in late Feb/Early March. Part of me thinks I'm doing all of this for attention and because I can't cope with living with the consequences of my actions. But at the end of the day, I think I'm so fearful facing the reality of how I've ruined my own life and potential that I have no choice but to end it and put it a close to it myself. Im really going to try my hardest to plan accordingly so I can attempt and succeed before my 20th birthday. It'll be so much planning to do, but I am willing to go through with it. I don't think I can get good SN in the USA, so I am hoping to use a shotgun method or hanging method. Both sound scary, but death itself is only a foot step away and I have to bring myself to do SOMETHING worthwhile other than being a waste of air on the daily.
Everytime I think about it, it makes me so upset and scared. I don't think I can do it but I have to if I want to live or if I'm too scared to CTB. I don't have much passions either, but I wish I was born naturally loving of STEM subjects. Being a creative is hard when looking at jobs and big career goals. Ugh, building a life is all so stressful and hard to even compartmentalize. 
Sending hugs!!
