notmyusername
Da Fan of Stuffs
- Feb 1, 2024
- 16
Is it really possible to feel better when your whole life has just been hell for almost 19 years now?
The adults I see are okay. Well, some of them. They have jobs, money, a roof over their heads, a social life, etc. Some are doing just as shitty as me in their 50's. But I feel like it's all the same. Maybe I've never seen a truly functional person, but I'm starting to believe they are like unicorns. They don't exist.
A close relationship/friendship with a pedophile/zoophile takes a toll on your soul. It really changed the way I saw humans and life. This man, he was fighting demons. He owned a business, though. He had supreme luck and contagious joy. I know his story, though. He was pretty much pimped out as a child, to men and women. He has lived a traumatic life, more so than mine and most people I know. There was RARELY a moment I saw this man just doing nothing. Even in the middle of the night, he barely slept, he went on joyrides just to not think of whatever mess was in his head. How can I view him as a bad person when he is like me? I simply don't. I dislike his actions, not him. And I can't express enough how much I dislike his actions of hurting the most innocent beings.
How will someone like that ever get better? There is no therapy that changes your past. Whenever he looks back at his childhood, his innocent memories will be tainted by abuse and trauma. So will mine. And so will many other's.
I remember once, he was telling me about his father's death. He wasn't the best man, but he said death is a pain that does not heal over time, it only gets worse. The longer you are without them, the more you realize they will never be coming back and that's just it. I am lucky to have never experienced the death of someone close to me. Whenever I hear about death, I don't know what to say. I almost want to cry, even if I didn't know the person.
I think I've just seen overtime, that what humanity really cares about is their own pleasure. It's not a bad thing, it's kind of just how we are. People want to feel good, whether it be with distractions, drugs, or sex. Nobody really seems okay to me, they just seem busy. People fake being better, but I believe that pain in their heart and brain will never truly go away, just be minimized. Well, yeah. There is no such thing as life without pain. People don't genuinely have an answer for me when I ask how do I mend my insides, not just my behavior? People just care about my slight pill problem. I do that so I don't kill myself. That's how I obtain pleasure and forget about the rest of my life.
I had a talk with my partner about physical affection. He was abused, but instead of an aversion to sex he developed a curiosity and complex surrounding physical affection. I was scared at first because I didn't understand it, but after he explained it, I realized that we are the same. He didn't have "ulterior motives". Bro just wants to feel good. He doesn't love drugs. They killed his mom. So you know, giving him a blowjob so he can feel some pleasure isn't that much different than me and my pills. It is an honest thing we have going on. He isn't trying to trick me into anything. People do that, and I don't think that is right. That's the reason me and him are the way that we are.
Sometimes I wish I didn't engage in any pleasures of life. It seems to be a very vicious cycle. I remember the night my oldest brother overdosed. And now I'm sure my little brother remembers the night I overdosed. I abandoned the kids I worked with because I was high on the job, they didn't know that though. I caused damage to kids. It all could have been avoided if I were a more disciplined person.
Anyways, back to what was originally said.
Each time I look back at a good moment in my childhood, it is tainted. I was slowly being tricked. There was always so many bad things going on in the background, at most a memory can be bittersweet. People like to be mad at me for not hating a pedophile, but that man is a person. A person who helped raised me. If I were to hate him, I would not be able to cope with my past. And I have my moments.
I remember our joyrides and how fun they were, but then I remember what he was trying to do the whole time and how sad both of our lives are. Therapy will never change that fact. That's why I think recovery may be impossible. You don't just start feeling happy about your life when it was and still is a hot mess. You will never forget. I just completely lie to myself a lot and say it never happened.
DXM is the best feeling I have ever felt besides those joyrides. DXM and weed combined especially. Once you get a taste, it is hard to stop. I said once a week, and I was high everyday for 2 weeks until I was hospitalized. I can't promise anyone I'll never touch drugs again.
Sorry for the long vent. I feel pretty defeated these days. I don't know when I'll kill myself, but I will. I just want to get high out of my mind everyday.
The adults I see are okay. Well, some of them. They have jobs, money, a roof over their heads, a social life, etc. Some are doing just as shitty as me in their 50's. But I feel like it's all the same. Maybe I've never seen a truly functional person, but I'm starting to believe they are like unicorns. They don't exist.
A close relationship/friendship with a pedophile/zoophile takes a toll on your soul. It really changed the way I saw humans and life. This man, he was fighting demons. He owned a business, though. He had supreme luck and contagious joy. I know his story, though. He was pretty much pimped out as a child, to men and women. He has lived a traumatic life, more so than mine and most people I know. There was RARELY a moment I saw this man just doing nothing. Even in the middle of the night, he barely slept, he went on joyrides just to not think of whatever mess was in his head. How can I view him as a bad person when he is like me? I simply don't. I dislike his actions, not him. And I can't express enough how much I dislike his actions of hurting the most innocent beings.
How will someone like that ever get better? There is no therapy that changes your past. Whenever he looks back at his childhood, his innocent memories will be tainted by abuse and trauma. So will mine. And so will many other's.
I remember once, he was telling me about his father's death. He wasn't the best man, but he said death is a pain that does not heal over time, it only gets worse. The longer you are without them, the more you realize they will never be coming back and that's just it. I am lucky to have never experienced the death of someone close to me. Whenever I hear about death, I don't know what to say. I almost want to cry, even if I didn't know the person.
I think I've just seen overtime, that what humanity really cares about is their own pleasure. It's not a bad thing, it's kind of just how we are. People want to feel good, whether it be with distractions, drugs, or sex. Nobody really seems okay to me, they just seem busy. People fake being better, but I believe that pain in their heart and brain will never truly go away, just be minimized. Well, yeah. There is no such thing as life without pain. People don't genuinely have an answer for me when I ask how do I mend my insides, not just my behavior? People just care about my slight pill problem. I do that so I don't kill myself. That's how I obtain pleasure and forget about the rest of my life.
I had a talk with my partner about physical affection. He was abused, but instead of an aversion to sex he developed a curiosity and complex surrounding physical affection. I was scared at first because I didn't understand it, but after he explained it, I realized that we are the same. He didn't have "ulterior motives". Bro just wants to feel good. He doesn't love drugs. They killed his mom. So you know, giving him a blowjob so he can feel some pleasure isn't that much different than me and my pills. It is an honest thing we have going on. He isn't trying to trick me into anything. People do that, and I don't think that is right. That's the reason me and him are the way that we are.
Sometimes I wish I didn't engage in any pleasures of life. It seems to be a very vicious cycle. I remember the night my oldest brother overdosed. And now I'm sure my little brother remembers the night I overdosed. I abandoned the kids I worked with because I was high on the job, they didn't know that though. I caused damage to kids. It all could have been avoided if I were a more disciplined person.
Anyways, back to what was originally said.
Each time I look back at a good moment in my childhood, it is tainted. I was slowly being tricked. There was always so many bad things going on in the background, at most a memory can be bittersweet. People like to be mad at me for not hating a pedophile, but that man is a person. A person who helped raised me. If I were to hate him, I would not be able to cope with my past. And I have my moments.
I remember our joyrides and how fun they were, but then I remember what he was trying to do the whole time and how sad both of our lives are. Therapy will never change that fact. That's why I think recovery may be impossible. You don't just start feeling happy about your life when it was and still is a hot mess. You will never forget. I just completely lie to myself a lot and say it never happened.
DXM is the best feeling I have ever felt besides those joyrides. DXM and weed combined especially. Once you get a taste, it is hard to stop. I said once a week, and I was high everyday for 2 weeks until I was hospitalized. I can't promise anyone I'll never touch drugs again.
Sorry for the long vent. I feel pretty defeated these days. I don't know when I'll kill myself, but I will. I just want to get high out of my mind everyday.
